Thursday, September 21, 2017

Back From Hiatus

Ok I wasn't really on a hiatus it was just for like a week I went off radar on social medias it wasn't really that long so I don't know if that is still considered as a hiatus but I don't have any ideas for a title of this post okay?
So let me explain.
I was in a pretty rough spot(personal problems) and I had to stay away from social medias for awhile and just talked only to my closest friends while focusing on my commission work. I was stressed and also down so doing my work wasn't really much of a joy to me at the time.
During dinner one night, my brother said he wanted to go to see Philip Mantofa's talk at Penampang. I didn't know who Philip Mantofa was but I found out that he's a pastor from Indonesia who was well known with missing the Air Asia flight that he was supposed to be on that eventually ended in a tragic crash. He was also known from his testimonies about his experience seeing heaven and hell that he shares everywhere he goes. He happened to be in my state during the 15th-16th and me family and I planned to go hear his sermon.
Well, I guess this was something that could take my mind off my problems. Yeah I thought.
The day came and we drove to that place early because we knew that with this event, there's gonna be heavy traffic. Well, we were right though. We drove 2 hours earlier than we were supposed to and we were still stuck in traffic for hours and hours. After our butts cramping from sitting too long in the car, we were almost there.

And then my brother got a text on WhatsApp.
"Betulkah ni???" (Is this true???) his voice in shock.
He showed his phone to us to let us see what it said. Our grandmother died.

My dad called his brother immediately to ask about their mother. My brother turned the car around and head back to our late grandmother's house.

She was our last grandparent.

I don't want to talk too much about it by the way I'm just healing from it.

Anyway, after a pretty rough day at the funeral we went back home where then I got sick. Horribly.
It started of as a step throat until it gradually turned into a high fever.
I haven't had a fever like that for sooooo long. I couldn't sleep well for the night and I was having nightmares. I took a bunch of medicines and the whole night I was praying to God. I don't remember what I said but I clearly remember that I asked God not to let me die. Pretty dramatic, I know. I messaged some of my friends to pray for me and they did. I was crying so much.

The next morning, I felt better. Just like that.
I knew it was God. I'm 100% confident of that I just know it in my gut. I know myself well enough that I would have never felt better that fast.
I wasn't fully healed though I still had to lie down and rest but it felt better.

And now I'm here. All healed -physically and emotionally. Smiling and grateful at life given by God.
I went through a lot but my goodness I feel so much better right now.
I wasn't really strong a few days back to be honest but what made me strong was my friends. Friends who prayed for me, tweeted me encouragements and messaged me to let them know if I needed anything.
They genuinely care about me and I love them so much.
Oh my gosh I'm so blessed why am I crying again

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guards Up, Guards Down

Sometimes I regret letting my guards down. I thought it would be okay anyway so I let myself feel. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and assured myself that it'll be okay and this is a good decision.
It felt freeing.

I felt joy.
I could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
I could love deeply and passionately.
I started to care.

But then things didn't turn out the way that I expect it to.
I felt sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Heartbreak.

And when I let my guards down, those feelings are 10x stronger than I used to feel.

So now I'm asking myself, "Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

All I know is that I am exhausted of getting hurt again and again and again. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be sad. It's painful.

Should I let my guards up again? Should I just numb everything out just so I wouldn't feel anything again?
But then taking away the pain would also be taking away my joy.

So at the end, I don't know what to do. What I do know though is now I remember why I let my guards up in the first place.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Twitter Isn't Necessarily A Waste of Time

I've gotten to know so many different people with different personalities on Twitter and it is truly a blessing. I don't get the chance to actually talk and know them on a deeper level though. I just interacted with them enough to call them as friends.
One thing I need to talk about though is how a lot of them are constantly struggling with depression and anxiety. I've seen their tweets on how they think they're struggling with their self-esteem or just having very hard life. It breaks my heart so much... you know why?

Because they are the most passionate people I've ever seen. The way they talk about the things they love are so inspiring and it's just so pure.
They know the value of friendship and the fact they bring each other up in their brokenness touched me.
The way they talk about their interests and ambitions showed me how much potential they have to go far in life.
The way they make others laugh with their incredible sense of humour tells me how quick their minds work and making me realize how intelligent they are.

But it hurts me.

It hurts me that they don't see that in themselves. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to stop believing the lies that they're not worth it. I don't want them to constantly think less of themselves just because they're on the internet and people out here telling them that it's a waste of time because it's NOT true. They're NOT wasting their time.

Without them on the internet I wouldn't have met the people that I'm holding dear to my heart right now.
Without them on the internet I would have feel so alone when I get depressed and had no one that understands me.

So people out there who make fun of "milennials" being on Twitter can zip their mouth and stop hurting these amazing people. It pisses me off. Just because you're not on Twitter and doing "life", doesn't mean the people on there are lesser than you.

Saturday, September 09, 2017

Friends



I video called with my two best friends last night. Melanie and Grace. I know it's only been a day but I already miss them. Funny how they can literally boost my mood up so quick... The two people that I met on the internet. We kinda talked a little about how it's gonna be when I will finally gonna come to America. Their faces lit up and I got super excited again. 

I've been down for quite some time. I have friends here too like who aren't actually thousands of miles away from me. I tried reaching out to them but I'm only getting like one word responses and then it felt so bland. I'm not even talking about acquaintances. I'm talking about actual close friends. The friends I was super tight with during college or in secondary school. We loved each other.
When I tried to reach them, their replies had 0 enthusiasm. I gotta admit it kinda hurt me a little bit. You know how you feel like you're the only one putting effort to keep the conversation going and then they're just gone when you step back for a while?

Yeah I got confused. I guess people just grow apart sometimes, right? Like, isn't that just a part of life?

It's soooo cliche to say this but internet friends really do treat you better. I've always avoided to say that because it felt like actually dismissing my actual friends in real life. I don't want to lift one group of friends and then degrading the other but honestly... that's literally what I'm feeling.
The other day I checked on my one friend's twitter profile from my old secondary school and I realized that she unfollowed me. I don't know for how long but she did. 

I don't want to dwell on it for too long though. I just have to remember that I can't make people stay in my life if they don't want to. If I were them I wouldn't wanna be forced to stay in someone else's life too when I don't want to.

But here's the positive thing though, I get to recognize who my true friends are now. Who is and isn't worth the fight for. Whether I met them on the internet or in real life, it doesn't matter.
So Mel and Grace, you two are the best and I love you guys.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

New Resolution

So this is like a New Year's resolution but instead of the beginning of the year, I decided to start on September. Yes it's a tad bit late so sue me. I want to start posting more on my blog. I don't want this blog to die since I've been doing this for so long already. I went back to my posts from this year and there aren't even that many of them. I gotta admit it was kinda disappointing. So, from now on I want to have at least 10 posts every month. I'm being realistic though because I know myself too much that I definitely cannot write every single day. I'll settle for 10 for now. I'd probably talk about my day a little and maybe go on a rant about things I want to. I don't know. Let's see about that.

For today I'd probably just share some of what happened today.
Well for one, I shot a cover of one of my most favorite songs, "Hallelujah". I actually reached 100 subscribers on YouTube today! It's crazy though. I've never really been very active in uploading and somehow there are 100 different individuals out there who clicked the subscribed button on my channel. Okay, maybe because I have a popular YouTuber boyfriend so that helped. Either way, I don't deserve all these attention but to show how grateful I am, I thought, what the heck, right? I haven't done a video for a while so might as well give them another video!

(click to watch)
I really am kinda proud of it. I kinda wish I have better production quality though. Heck, I shot that on my Samsung S4 and put the microphone on a stack of books. I don't really invest much on camera gears, lighting and all those stuff though since I don't really see myself doing youtube much. I do find it fun but it's never really my passion, you know? I'll probably do some videos again but I'm not committed to it. I really respect Chris' dedication for his daily vlogs and main channel and all that constant editing oh man. How does he do that?

My passion however goes to my drawings. I spent RM300++ for a drawing tablet because I desperately wanted it. I bought expensive pencil colours, charcoals, high quality papers, etc. It brings me so much happiness. If I have more money I would buy canvas with acrylic or oil paints. Maybe rent a little studio for me.
I'm slowly earning money though. I have few commission work that I have yet to finish. Pretty slow on them at the moment because apparently I'm too inspired to do so many things at once. I do need to get back on them though.

I'm quite busy lately. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out causing me to have mood swings which then caused me to not eat well and on time. I know it's bad especially my gastritis is terrible right now but I'll work on it. I have to.

However, as busy as I was today, I'm really happy for some reasons. I don't know why. I just do. It even rained today and I know it's weird for people but I really love the rain. It feels very cozy and just very peaceful to me... and the smell of the road after the rain.. oh my gosh. I love it I love it I love ittttt.


Saturday, September 02, 2017

Why I Blog

I mean, I don't know what else to say except that I love it. I love writing. I can't really say that I'm good enough that I could publish a book or something though. Although, I probably can. Never really thought much about it to be honest. I've read some pretty bad books though and for some reasons they were successfully published so I may have a good chance here. Oh my gosh don't even get me started on Buzzfeed articles like literally anyone can call themselves a writer now. 

Hold on, what are we talking about again?

Aah that's right. Why I blog.
I hardly get any readers on here. I have very few followers which half of them aren't even active anymore. I could stop blogging at any moment now. The question is, why didn't I?
Well, like I said. I love blogging. I love writing about myself. I love writing about my thoughts. I love sharing my experiences. Writing makes me feel like I'm talking to a friend. Honestly, I didn't start a blog for people. I did it for myself. I could have 0 follower and I would still write.
I'm not saying that I'm not grateful if you happen to read my blog though, whoever you are. I do appreciate you oh my gosh are you kidding me? You're literally reading what's in my mind and heart. You're reading me. This blog... This whole blog is literally me. Thank you for caring so much about me that you follow me this far. 

I don't really know who's reading this right now but one thing I know for sure, future me is going to read this again. I may laugh, cry or cringe at the memories but I will love it. And I know in that moment, I will thank current me for all these memories written down in this blog.

Hey, I guess I'm proud of myself for this! (yes I know what I wrote in my previous post)

I just want to say that whatever you do, whatever you're passionate about, always remember why you started in the first place. I know how you can discouraged when you're not getting enough appreciation but remember that you do what you do because you love it. Remember how passionate you were when you first started and how far you've come. Don't ever let the passion die. 

I believe in you :)

Monday, August 28, 2017

I Don't Know How To Love Myself

There are people out there who would risk their lives for me.
Who would do anything to make me happy,
to make me smile,
laugh,
and see how beautiful I am not only on the outside but also on the inside.

They've repeatedly told me how they appreciate me and how blessed they are to know me.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't believe them but I just wish...
I just wish I can see myself the way they see me.
I don't think I'm a bad person. I mean, I mess up once in a while but I'm generally a good person. I don't hate myself. However, I also don't know how to love myself. Well, technically I do love myself. I mean I take good care of myself, I avoid getting sick as much as I can and feed myself when needed. I also tend to make myself look nice and pretty so those pretty much count as loving myself, right? I guess we all pretty much love ourselves by default in those areas.

But see, I'm not in love with myself.
I have people in my life that actually love me more than I love myself. They look up to me so much. I've heard all the compliments repeatedly. They said I'm talented. They said I'm funny. I'm pretty. Smart.
And I appreciate them I really do. I love them so freaking much.
But I just wish I could feel more than just and "ehh" feeling towards myself when they tell me how amazing I am. Is this how being humble feels like? If it is then wow this sucks. I just want to be proud of myself without having all these struggle.


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