Wednesday, April 18, 2018

My Worst Depression And What I've Learned From It (Part 2)

Chris called me when he woke up from my messages at around 2 am his time. He never woke up from my messages whenever he was asleep but for some reasons, he did. I wasn't complaining because I really needed someone at that specific time.
God has used Chris a lot in my life and although it can be frustrating sometimes since we live on the opposite sides of the earth, I kept reminding myself that this is just a season where God wants me to learn how to hold myself before Chris can hold me someday. I really am grateful for him and the way he always prays for me and gives me encouragement through everything. It has been such a blessing.
Little did he know, the one thing he said that really helped me through these was, "Stay strong,"

Stay strong.

In social medias, people keep talking about mental illness and although it's amazing that more people are aware of this issue to this day, I still have problems where people tend to make it a pity party when they know others go through the same thing. People just collectively complain on Twitter and the others will reply with, "Oh girl, same here." Not to mention jokes like, "Lol life sucks let's kill ourselves," are so normal that it subconsciously programmed in our brains that this is just normal. Not gonna lie, I have been guilty of it too.
However, no one is talking about how we should put an effort to get better. It's very important that you make changes in your behavior to help yourself. At the end of the day, it's all up to you whether you want to get out of the rut you're in. Others can't keep you accountable forever.

And that's what I did.

Although Chris was there helping me through, I was still the only one who had the choice whether to get myself better or not. I wasn't strong but I kept praying and praying to God. In my despair, I took the chance to praise the Lord and then I rebuked my suicidal thoughts in Jesus' Name. 
Things still sucked but God kept giving me wisdom through everything and I remembered all His promises in the Bible.

Some of them that I still hold on to;

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34
Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. -Psalm 116:7

I found a lot more that helped me along the way but these are just some that were really helpful to me.

You know, I used to be so angry and bitter to God. When I first struggled with depression, I have always thought that I didn't deserve any of the things I was dealing with. I was angry with God because I told myself that I was a good person and it wasn't fair that bad things were happening to me. Well, I still think that I don't deserve any of the things I'm dealing with hahaha. To be honest, I don't think anyone in the world deserves pain and despair. But that's the thing. Everyone deals with something. The most valuable lessons that I've learned from these was from my daily devotional reading that I got on April 16th:

"You have to make the most of what you've been given. We may have all been given different parents, pains, problems, and potential but we will all be held accountable one day for what we did with those factors. It's like a games of five-card stud: You don't get to mix your cards. You have to play the hand you're dealt."

I think wishing that things would be different in my situation is like a step back in my life. I'm not living if I'm constantly trying to get out from it. 
I know you've been wondering what happened to my cat. Well, it's an amazing story. I was praying non-stop for her health and I claimed healing with the blood of Christ. I told myself that if I have faith as big as just a mustard seed, that's already enough to move mountains.

God healed her overnight. God performed a miracle on my cat. He did that!!
The next day she was meowing to me at the kitchen. She started feeling hungry and beginning to finally eat slowly and I was overjoyed. I just wanna take the opportunity here to praise God and just say how good He is even in my darkest days. I'm so grateful and He's so good.

If I have to go through those days again with a slightly better situation, would I take the chance?
My answer would be 100% no. I would never want the situations to change and lost all the wisdom and lessons I got from it. I became a stronger person from it and I never regretted everything that happened.

God is always good.

If my future self is having a hard time and reading this right now, I hope she'll be reminded of these lessons again.

If you're still here reading this, thank you. I hope I get to pass on some wisdom and lessons God has given me. I'll see you again in my next post, whenever that is.


Tuesday, April 17, 2018

My Worst Depression And What I've Learned From It (Part 1)

Just letting you know, this is going to be a really long story. First of all, I hesitated on writing this post on here today. Why? Well, I've never told my family about my depression for a lot of reasons. One, they might think it's just nothing, making me feel invalidated or worse, they would get intensely worried about me and make my mother's blood pressure higher than it already is. It could go either way and there will be a chance that one of them will stumble on this post but it's okay. I hope they can see what I really want to say and honestly, I just want the Holy Spirit to guide me throughout this post.

There are things that I can't say because it's personal to our family but we have been going through a lot for a while. Still is, actually. However, what hit me the worst for the past few weeks was my cat.

Let me tell you a little bit about my cat first.

We call her Palang. Her name referred to her calico fur in our native tongue, Dusun language. She used to be so intimidated with any human contact when my father first bought her from the market. When someone tried to touch her, she backed away. I was the one who slowly approached her from time to time to calm her down and make sure she knew that she was safe. For a while, she was really scared of me but eventually, I earned her trust. She started approaching me slowly when I sit on the couch from time to time so I could pet her. Time goes on and she's already fully comfortable with jumping on my lap when I'm having my breakfast in the morning. The funny thing is, she only likes cuddling with me. My father even joked about how Palang didn't like cuddling with him but would go to me with no hesitation. A lot of times she meowed in front of my bedroom until I woke up because she was looking for me. When I open the door she screamed for attention and then followed me downstairs to join me on my lap for breakfast.

Her on my lap <3
I love her so much.

Fast forward to her getting pregnant- I was so excited! My kitty loving heart was about to burst knowing that I'd have new kittens soon. Well, she finally gave birth to three little kittens.

This was when it started.
A few days after she gave birth, I started noticing that her body temperature was not normal. It was burning hot when I touched her. All of a sudden she started abandoning her kittens and stopped eating. I started getting worried. I tried all I can to help with her fever by reading Wikihow and everything. With all that has been going on with my family, we couldn't afford to go to the vet. Days passed and she started getting really thin. She wasn't getting any better. Her kittens were screaming and meowing with hunger and every time they made a sound, my heart was breaking. I tried feeding the kittens with milk and they wouldn't take it from a syringe. I didn't have a feeding bottle for my kittens so I ordered one online which takes forever to get here.

Palang was getting really weak. Her breath smelled really bad and from my experience with my past two cats, it indicates kidney failures and eventually they died even when they were sent to the vet. I didn't know for sure what was going on with Palang but I really didn't want to lose her and the kittens. She would check on her kittens from time to time but just for a few minutes until she went off and slept somewhere else. She looked so thin and horrible. The kittens were still hungry and I was about to lose my mind listening to the kittens screaming and knowing I couldn't do anything. I was sobbing in my room.

I started losing sleep. I was scared that Palang would suddenly leave me for good in my sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I could hear the kittens screaming in my ears. No, it was in my head. They were asleep but I could still hear them in my head. I was going crazy. 

The next few days, I was beat. Palang was still alive but I didn't know how many days she had left. I was so exhausted from continuously crying that I just stopped. I felt mentally numb. I was hurting inside but I no longer had the energy to let my emotions out. Every time I was thinking about her death, I would have this recurring suicidal thoughts in my head. I would think about how easy it is to get out from all these stress by just doing that one thing so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of seeing my cat that I love die.

I know it was dark. I'm sorry. But that's what happened.

There was a point I literally couldn't get up from bed in the morning. I was so lethargic. My mind was drained. I couldn't even stand up in the shower for more than 2 minutes. I didn't know what was happening to me so I forced myself to eat even when my appetite was completely gone. This added to my worries that I've already had. What was going on with me?
I then googled my symptoms and long story short, I was having symptoms of the highest level of depression. You would thought it's fine and told yourself that it's all in your head but it's totally a different thing when your physical health starts declining. I've never had that in my life.

All these while, I was scared but you know what? I was fighting through it. I never once blamed God like I used to and even though I had to go through all that, I still find myself praising God in my worries. It's still a long story so I'll end this post right here and I'll see you on Part 2 (next post). I hope you could stick around because honestly, I've found a lot of wisdom through these and I really would like to share these even if it's just to one person.

Thursday, March 08, 2018

Surviving An Earthquake

Last night I survived a 5.0 magnitude earthquake. Funny how the "your life flashes before your eyes before you die" thing didn't actually happen though. The only thing that was on my mind was, "I NEED TO SAVE MYSELF I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

I was on my bed and messaging with my friend on the phone when suddenly, I felt the walls and my bed shaking. Most of the time in my area there's construction going on and I could feel it vibrating through the walls when they start drilling the cement and so I thought that was it but I was also thinking that nobody is doing construction at night?? And also the walls were shaking in an unusual way too? My second thought went to my brother too because his room is next to mine and the bass of his speakers are always booming through my wall that I had to constantly yell at him to turn it down. I thought it was him but I also felt that it couldn't be that loud.

That's when my other brother (not the one next to my room) screamed, "GEMPA BUMI!!!!" ("EARTHQUAKE!!!!) and then I threw my phone on my bed, gave zero crap about all the important things in my room and let a high pitched scream to run downstairs. My sister screamed to everyone to go outside. My mother was downstairs, still in her towel because she just got out from the shower. I had to held her up because her high blood pressure was acting up when she was panicking and it was... pretty rough.

When I was terrified for my life in moments like that, I realized that all the things I've spent worrying about in my life literally doesn't matter. The only thing I cared the most was my family... and me not dying lol.

Okay, the earthquake was like 10 seconds it wasn't that long but when it's the first time happening to you, you'd feel longer okay??? And it was reALLY SCARY! I so wish I'd never have to experience that again

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Sick of Being Sick

I wanted to update on here a few days ago but well, from the title, you already guessed it. I got sick.
Let me tell you how horrible it was just so you can have an idea on what I had to experience. Get ready, it's a wild ride.
Alright, it all started with me having difficulties on breathing for over a week. I didn't pay much attention to it at first but it became worse by the day. When I walked to the nearby small grocery store with my mother in the neighbourhood, I was suffocated and I had to stop for a while because I literally couldn't breathe. The walk to the store was like approximately 10 minutes. It wasn't really that far to be honest. That's when I knew something wasn't right.
My lungs were like filled with phlegm or mucous and it wouldn't come out. They were like all dried up in my lungs that whenever I breathed in, my chest would hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep well and I prayed to God that my breathing won't suddenly stop and that I would still be alive the next day. It was weird though because I never had history of an asthma attack or anything like that. I didn't know what was happening.

Last week on Sunday, I stopped by a pharmacy and asked the lady working there about what was happening to me and she was like, "Here", while taking out a bottle of medicine that says "Ventamol" on it. She told me it'll relieve the coughing and will open up the airways in my lungs. I asked her if I need an inhaler and she told me that if it's not that bad, I won't be needing it. Hoping she was right about it, I paid for the medicine and took it.

After two days of taking the medicine, I coughed out so much phlegm and spit them out in the bathroom sink. It was insane. My lungs were slowly becoming normal again. It's crazy how grateful you can get about just breathing when it was taken away from you for over a week. Guys, don't ever take breathing for granted.

After recovering from all that, the next day, I had a fever.
At night, I was cold and shivering. I turned off my fan and wrapped myself in my blanket. My head was pounding so hard, I thought my brain was about to burst. After a few hours of sleeping, I was awake again. This time, my whole body felt like it was on fire. I turned on my fan and kicked my blanket away. My fan was literally inches away from me and I was still so hot, I had to go to the bathroom to cool my skin off by pouring water on it. My legs, my face, my neck, my chest... wherever I can.

The next day, I didn't feel any better. I asked my brother to buy me some Panadol when he gets back from work but the thing is, I had to wait the whole day for him to be back from work. I was in pain. My body temperature went up and down and I wanted to vomit. Mentally, I was tired. I was crying and honestly, I was so weary. I didn't know why all these were happening to me and it was just too overwhelming. Plus, I still have a lot of work I need to get done.

It took me a while to realize that, things just happen. Everyone have different struggles and each of us have to go through certain things. Mine just happened to be my health and at that point of realizing that, I knew complaining about it and hoping I was in a different situation were a waste of time. Well, tough! Getting sick? Then take those medicines, get some rest, do whatever it takes to recover! 

I remember that there are people out there with worse situations than mine. Some people can't even recover from what they're dealing with. It makes me sad to think that someone may have it worse than me, especially the fact that I'm already suffering with minor things. Although I'm not dismissing my struggles, these really does put things in perspective for me and reminds me to always be grateful.

I'm feeling a little better now, although I just found out that I'm allergic to Panadol now because of my gastritis. I already took them for two days. No wonder I constantly wanted to vomit, gosh.

Prayers are appreciated!

Thursday, March 01, 2018

My Horror Addiction


Everything dark and twisted.

I'm addicted to it.

First, let's get to the story on how it started to me. Well growing up, I've always had experiences with... let's say the paranormal. You see, as a kid, I get easily scared but it was hard to convince the adults sometimes. When I was around 7 or 8(?), we had to move to another house because we couldn't pay the rent debts so my father's friend let us stayed in his house for awhile 'till our family could get another place. It was a two-storey small bungalow. We lived on the second floor and my father's friend and his family lived below on the first floor. I was young and I didn't know much on what was happening but I know my family was grateful for it. However, as much as we were grateful, the place was eerie. It was located in a very quiet neighbourhood and it got worse when it was dark. The overall atmosphere was strange. We never talked about it when we lived there and I only realized that I wasn't the only one who got creeped out by the place when we talked about that place long after we moved out from it.

I think that was my first experience feeling just odd. What I experienced from the house wasn't really extreme like you see in a horror movie or something but I did see "someone" on my peripheral version a lot of time and then it disappeared the second I turned to look at it. We had a big computer in our house and it was next to a window. Whenever my brother and I were playing games on it, I could sense someone staring right at me and I could see it from the corner of my eyes. But then again, it disappeared when I looked at it. My brother said he used to experience the same too. Outside the window was a roof beneath it (since we were on the second floor) and a lot of times, I heard someone walking on the roof. Sometimes the sound of sweeping too?

There were a lot of things happening too that I didn't notice. My mother told me that she didn't like going downstairs because it felt like she was being followed and my sister saw a white figure walked past the balcony quickly and it was gone. I could go on and on. 

We moved from house to house a lot and I experienced a lot of stuff. One time, I had to share a room with my parents because our house was small so I was on a mattress on the floor and I could see directly beneath my parents' bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw someone sleeping under their bed. I thought it was my father. Again, I was a kid. I didn't think much. I asked my mother the next morning and she said he never slept under the bed. She even said, "Why would he?" I shrugged it off. There was also this one time where I was sleeping and I didn't turn off the light. With my eyes closed, I could sense something flew past in front of my eyes because for a split second, it got dark and then it got bright again. I quickly opened my eyes and I was alone in my room.

There are so many stories. See, this is my addiction. When I start talking about these stuff I can't stop. Before this I hated watching horror movies. Literally, my friends had to drag me into the theater to watch Paranormal Activity but as I grow up, my curiosity gets bigger. I started watching Supernatural and got into these horror movies (the well-made ones, not the cliche jumpscares movies) and I keep coming back to the r/nosleep subreddit. It's fun because I can tell by instinct on which story is fake and which is real because I've experienced crazy stuff and I could tell which one in the subreddit is just exaggerating. I guess that's my ability now lol.

Heck, even my favorite youtuber, Shane Dawson had started a ghost-hunting series and I never missed it. Well, some of what he and his friends did didn't really work and there were no ghosts hahahah but his recent videos where he and his friends stayed overnight on the Queen Mary ship(most haunted ship in the world) was insane I was shook. I even saw a black figure moving in the video like the one I saw sometimes in my life. Something about all these are very intriguing. It makes me want to know more. I'm curious because I've encountered with some of these stuff. Like, it's spooky but also I'M CURIOUS. The weird thing is, I have no problem sleeping at night because I feel... desensitized? Like, I'm used to it? I don't know. Most of the time, I don't really feel like these things want to harm me. Their presence was not... evil, y'know? Even of they are, I know God will be protecting me so I rarely get scared anymore.

So there. That's my secret addiction. I mostly don't talk about it because I mostly get responds like them telling me that I'm just imagining it or I'm overthinking it... or maybe they'll say that I was just making it up. Yeah, it's better not to say anything then getting judged because of it. It's one of the things I get really interested in and being ridiculed is really not a good feeling.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

The Problem With Going With The Flow

Look, I don't know why I put this picture of me but this is my blog and I can do whatever I want so whether you like it or not, enjoy my face, okay? Okay.
Anyway, I was about to rant so let's focus on that. You probably already know what I'm gonna talk about from the title above.

I have a lot of problems when I hear someone says, "I'm just going with the flow". I know when someone says that, they probably want to imply themselves as being easy-going and flexible but what I actually hear when they utter those words are, "I don't have a plan and I don't feel like doing it". Let's be real, it's just a fancy way to say that you're lazy and you don't want to try. It's a great thing to say though because people don't really question you more after that. It's kind of an easy way out.

Of course there are situations where going with the flow is acceptable like when you're on a vacation and you need to explore the places or when you start a new relationship with someone and you need to know where you both are going with it first. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the more serious stuff that you need to think about in your life.

It's really frustrating to me sometimes because when it involves me in the situation and I need to know where we're heading, I get a reply like, "Let's just go with the flow". No, Karen I need to know where our project is going. Please, stop doing that. It's bad for people around you and it's bad for your own self too.

At this point, it's becoming more of an excuse than a reason to me. It's like an escape for the responsibilities that you need to take care of. Okay yeah it takes work. Not the fun kind of work too. Planning takes so much of your energy and time and it's stressful so it's understandable that people try to avoid doing it but you ignoring the outcome is a cowardly move. I can give you empathy and listen to you all you need when you struggle with it but as soon as you try to avoid it at all costs, I'm still gonna call you out.

Planning is good. It's important because it shows that you have a goal that you can work on to achieve it. I know this can be scary when the plan fails and it hurts a lot. Trust me, I've been there. But get this, failure means you've put work on it. If you just go with the flow, there's never gonna be failures because there was no plan to begin with. It's a good exit strategy but there's no lesson and growth for you there.
Even if you somehow lucked out on achieving your goals, you still won't learn anything from it because you got there not because of you but because of chance. Therefore, you won't be able to learn from your mistakes for next time you need to in the future.

These are why when people say, "I'm just going with the flow," is a huge turn off for me. Okay, I am all over the place right now on planning my life but I want to! I want to be better at it. I have to try. You have to try. We all have to try! Don't simply just give it all up to the universe and just hope for the best. 

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"What Do You Know About Love?"

If you're a Christian, you can probably relate when I say that I secretly disagree with what the churches are talking about and doing sometimes. Oh, the things I really want to say. I can go on and on and on. This post isn't gonna be about me ranting all of that though. It's just the sermon given by our pastor last week that kind of bugs me like an itch that doesn't go away.
Before I continue though, I just want to clarify that I love our church and it's the church that I accepted Jesus in my heart. I don't hate my church it's just one of those things where you felt "eh" once in a while like all the things in your life. I'M NOT A HEATHEN I PROMISE.
Anyhoo, back to the story. Last week, our pastor talked about Valentine's Day a little bit and he was talking about how it's a man-made celebration that didn't even exist in the bible and overall just kind of showing skepticism about the day and he went on about young couples and the love celebrated isn't even close to Jesus' love for us.
I know some of what he said was true that no love is greater than Jesus' love for us but it bothers me so much how older people view the young people celebrating love together. It's the kind of skepticism where they look at us and scoff, "What do you know about love?"
First of all, St. Valentine was beheaded for performing marriages in secret because he believed in love. He didn't go around and scoff at people for it. He was celebrating love and he risked his life for it.
Second of all, can anyone really tell what love is without quoting the "Love is patient, love is kind..." from the bible? Is anyone really in the place to look down on people and think, "Do you even know what love is?"
Personally for me, anyone can view love differently. Even when people still don't know what love is, doesn't mean they can't connect with someone and figure out what it means. I wasn't sure where I was standing in "love" but I've learned so much with my relationships with Chris. You think it's easy for us? You think all of these is just some kind of a joke?? You think that people like us celebrating Valentine's Day means that we're forgetting about Jesus???
Phew, sorry getting a little angry there.
So yeah I don't know I'm just kind of upset when people are being so skeptical towards young couples. There's nothing wrong about couples celebrating their relationship with chocolates or roses and there's also nothing wrong if couples chose not to do it. There's no reason to bash the other group. No couples are superior than the other. We all celebrate it differently! We all experience the romance differently.
Also, why do most older people act like they know everything about love? Because their married with kids? Most of the marriages I see are falling apart but go off I guess. *sips tea* 

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