Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"What Do You Know About Love?"

If you're a Christian, you can probably relate when I say that I secretly disagree with what the churches are talking about and doing sometimes. Oh, the things I really want to say. I can go on and on and on. This post isn't gonna be about me ranting all of that though. It's just the sermon given by our pastor last week that kind of bugs me like an itch that doesn't go away.
Before I continue though, I just want to clarify that I love our church and it's the church that I accepted Jesus in my heart. I don't hate my church it's just one of those things where you felt "eh" once in a while like all the things in your life. I'M NOT A HEATHEN I PROMISE.
Anyhoo, back to the story. Last week, our pastor talked about Valentine's Day a little bit and he was talking about how it's a man-made celebration that didn't even exist in the bible and overall just kind of showing skepticism about the day and he went on about young couples and the love celebrated isn't even close to Jesus' love for us.
I know some of what he said was true that no love is greater than Jesus' love for us but it bothers me so much how older people view the young people celebrating love together. It's the kind of skepticism where they look at us and scoff, "What do you know about love?"
First of all, St. Valentine was beheaded for performing marriages in secret because he believed in love. He didn't go around and scoff at people for it. He was celebrating love and he risked his life for it.
Second of all, can anyone really tell what love is without quoting the "Love is patient, love is kind..." from the bible? Is anyone really in the place to look down on people and think, "Do you even know what love is?"
Personally for me, anyone can view love differently. Even when people still don't know what love is, doesn't mean they can't connect with someone and figure out what it means. I wasn't sure where I was standing in "love" but I've learned so much with my relationships with Chris. You think it's easy for us? You think all of these is just some kind of a joke?? You think that people like us celebrating Valentine's Day means that we're forgetting about Jesus???
Phew, sorry getting a little angry there.
So yeah I don't know I'm just kind of upset when people are being so skeptical towards young couples. There's nothing wrong about couples celebrating their relationship with chocolates or roses and there's also nothing wrong if couples chose not to do it. There's no reason to bash the other group. No couples are superior than the other. We all celebrate it differently! We all experience the romance differently.
Also, why do most older people act like they know everything about love? Because their married with kids? Most of the marriages I see are falling apart but go off I guess. *sips tea* 

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

"You're too skinny! Eat more!'

I've heard people say this to my face so many times in my life especially my relatives- the aunties and uncles... It has become so repetitive that at this point, I'm not even mad anymore. Before this I would go on and on about body shaming but some people are just genuinely worried about your weight and I can understand their point of view. I mean, if they start calling me ugly because of my weight then that's gonna be a problem but I know they're just worried about me not eating well.

All that to say though, I just want to go on and talk about how I'm eating more is more worrying to be honest. I want to gain weight too, don't get me wrong. However, I can't. Not all at once, at least. You see, I was diagnosed with chronic gastritis and this condition restricted what I eat and the way I eat. My intestines are not able to digest food well when I eat too much. The doctors told me not to force my body to work when you know it can't. I was stubborn a lot of times because of the pressure of needing to gain weight so I ate more than I should then my stomach freaked out. It was nauseating and I almost threw up. I was lucky I didn't pass out. 

Whenever my stomach is acting up, it feels like I'm literally dying. I feel cold but I'm sweating and then the nausea gets super intense.

A few nights ago my family went out and had dinner at a restaurant instead of eating at home. As usual, when I order a meal at a restaurant, the portion is always bigger than what I usually have. I had honey chicken rice and boy it looked good but I was the slowest to eat and it was hard for me to finish it all. I had to anyway because I wasn't the one who paid for it and it'll be rude if I let it go to waste. About eating half of the food on the plate, I started feeling tense. It wasn't fun.

It's also the same when I go and visit my relatives. The aunties, especially, will target the skinniest person and keep shoving food on them. Like, you don't want to be rude but you also don't want to die y'know? It's very upsetting and I get stressed a lot on situations like these. I want to cry when people force me to "eat more".
Really, I'm begging you. Don't ask me to eat more. Stop shoving food in my face. My stomach can't process food well and I don't want to die. I'm not even joking.

Honestly, I'm just getting better right now after a few days being sick. 

Friday, January 26, 2018

In Your Anger Do Not Sin

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. -Ephesians 4:26-27 

I was struggling with anger and bitterness from sometime now and I really feel like sharing what I went through and what I discovered from myself during those times.
The scripture wasn't joking around when it said not to give the devil a foothold. I thought I had my emotions under control but being angry and bitter in your heart, especially in secret is dangerous and it will have power over you. A small fire in the forest seems harmless until you paid no attention to it 'till it gets bigger and bigger when finally you realized, the whole forest is on fire. The fire destroys everything in it's way and in this case, it'll destroy your heart, your thoughts and finally the people around you. 

When I let my anger and bitterness festered in my heart, I opened a doorway for the devil to go his way. Even though all the situations happened to me can justify me being the way I was, I should have a better reaction to my situation. I have a bad environment for my mental health, I constantly lost grip of all sense of control in my life and I tend to see the world attacking me in all sorts of ways whenever things go wrong but instead of turning to God, I became angry, bitter, filled with resentment, even to God.

So losing God along the way, I was on my own.

On my own thoughts and my own emotions raging inside of me.
I still wanted to turn it around and wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be someone who I can be proud of so I taught myself to be patient around people. I want to show kindness but as long as the hurt and anger was still in my heart, I was still in pain. I couldn't fool myself and apparently my heart couldn't fool everyone around me. I get ticked off over the littlest thing because of all those bottled up anger inside of me. My family could see me and I could see in their eyes. They were wondering how did their little sister become such a b*tch. 

I knew what I did. I couldn't forgive myself but I still didn't want to let go of my anger. I was stubborn. I felt how bad I have turned and I started to become really depressed. I hated myself and when depression comes, dark thoughts came - I wanted to punish myself.

Thank God, I talked to some people for help. I was still in a bad place.
They did try and help me and they were amazing but my mind wanted to block all the advice. I probably mentally received like 30% of what the were actually saying.
When your heart chose to be stubborn, you can't change it.

In my heart, I screamed at God. I told him I hated Him and blamed Him for not being there for me and to be honest I didn't want to come back to Him... but I knew I needed Him in my life.
So, I told Him to change my heart. I didn't want to but I told Him to.

Today, I was thinking about the moments where the raging fire destroyed myself.
I knew I have to let go of the bitterness in my heart when I realized that I have hurt my own boyfriend. Chris didn't deserve it. I love him but I took out my anger on him like I've never had before. You see, I was lucky that I'm dating the most peaceful man on earth because he was chill about it. I don't know he may be upset and I really hate for him to be upset.

That's where God changed my heart.

I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to hurt him like that again... and then I just imagined myself hurting God. My Father who has been with me since the beginning. My first love. Knowing I've hurt the ones I love, it f*cks me up.

So yes, God changed my heart even though I didn't want to, because I asked him to.

Please, if you are struggling with the same thing, if you have grudges, resentment, rage in your heart, please let them go. Forgive the people that needs to be forgiven.
You'll never know what would happen to you.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:31-32

Monday, January 22, 2018

*Screams* I LOVE ART

It felt so good to spend the day at the library and actually got my work done today! If you see my previous post, you would know that it's one of my happy places and it's true. I was happy!
It felt so peaceful and so quiet. For the first time in a long time, no one was interrupting me when I was in my zone, y'know? I was at the peak of my potential and it felt really good. I've missed that about myself. I've missed being confident with who I am and what I am capable on doing. I can't do that in our house here. I love my family but it really is hard to live as me when I'm trapped in a bubble. I know now that this is what I have to do in my life. It's the one thing that makes me happy. I have to leave my house and find a place where I can feel like I'm home.

Maybe I can start small. 
I can probably start at my sister's place in Penang. She lives on the other side of the country. She told me that I can use the extra room there and create my art studio. I can feel that it's the beginning of my passion there. I'm so grateful that she would help me sponsor me for everything to start. I'd probably repay her by doing all the chores in her house or whatever I can.

Honestly, the thought of leaving the house and chasing my passion makes me feel so alive. God is calling me out there.

I don't have much to say though I feel like I keep repeating the same stuff on my blog. I JUST LOVE DOING ART OK LEAVE ME ALONE

Here's some drawings I did and finished at the library today btw <3

Friday, January 19, 2018

My Happy Places

(Not my photography)

A serene morning at a quiet coffee place. Ordering a cup of tea because of my no coffee strict diet.
Sinking in the atmosphere with a book in hand. A romance novel because I'm cliché like that.
Surrounded by different kinds of people with different backgrounds.
Just the right amount of people for the introvert in me to just sit back and relax.
Breathing in.
Feeling calm.
Feeling safe.

(Not my photography)

Strolling around the lonely beach at night. Feeling in the breeze and the cold water at my feet. The sky lit with millions of twinkling stars.
The moon that casts a subtle shadow on my surroundings.
A campfire not far away from where I stand. 
A spot for me to just sit nearby an  warm myself.
A spot for me to let my thoughts carry me to different places in my mind.

(Not my photography)
Being in an art studio.
A studio I have worked on all my life to own. Letting my hands move on the big stretched out canvas, letting the image of my inspiration gets created.
Not a commission from people.
I finally do it for me. Not the money.
I'm free.
No more listening to what people want me to do.
Just listening to Demi Lovato's albums playing on repeat in the studio.
My studio. 

In the deepest corner of a library.
Feeding my hunger of useless knowledge that I'd probably never use in the future.
But it's okay, because it makes me happy.
Just getting engrossed with all the books I got my hands on. Lost in my thoughts. No voices of people barging in my room every few minutes that I always hear.
I'm away from them.

Waking up in the morning, rolling over to the side and seeing the face of the man I love. The man I've been in love with for so long.
Looking at him in a deep sleep.
A moment of simplicity yet a very important one.
A moment I've been waiting for all the years of separation in distance.
A moment of appreciating that I have dreamed for, for so long.
Embraces that I have craved in all those times of waiting.
A moment I will never take for granted.

Oh how I wish I can be in everyday.
Where rules no longer exist.
No more worries of people telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
Oh how beautiful these places are.
How content and happy this heart is!

the universe echoes a reply,

"Not yet."

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Living As An Adult Crybaby

I was having a breakdown today. Chris immediately called me even though he was dead tired and needed sleep. I honestly can't thank him enough for always being there for me.
I've always felt embarrassed to come to him whenever I'm upset. To anyone, really. I feel like coming across as, "Hey, it's me in a mess again. Like always."
I know my friends care and want to help me with my problems. They always tell me that they'll be there for me. Time and time again, they proved it. God knows how much I'm grateful for these people in my life. However, I still feel embarrassed whenever I have a problem. I feel like hiding it when I know I shouldn't. 
After I was done talking with Chris today, feeling a little better, I had so many questions in my mind.

Why do I feel embarrassed or guilty to tell people my problems?
Why is it hard for me to believe that people actually want to help me?

I discovered that I have the tendency to appear perfect. Not for others, but for me. I want to be perfect so I can be proud of who I am. That's why messing up and making mistakes makes me feel embarrassed of myself. It feels like I'm a failure.

But how did this happen?
I guess after a lot of thoughts today, it's probably because of how I was raised in my family. I don't have a good memory of my childhood so I can't tell you much about it but there was a lot of "tough love" going on. I remember when I cried because my brother pissed me off so much, my father yelled at me for being a crybaby. I mean, yeah he probably didn't want me to be a crybaby because I wasn't a baby anymore. I was like 11... I think.
Even then though, it was hard for me to show emotions in our family. When I got angry with my brothers, my father would yell because he doesn't like screaming in the house. No matter who was right or wrong, he never cared. All he wanted was just peace and quiet. I can't tell how many times me and my brothers got in trouble for having fights. Fights that were never solved because we got yelled at before we even get to finish talking. At the end, whenever we get angry, we just hold it in and break stuff in our room. 
Fast forward to when I was 20, I started to get more sensitive with my emotions. Of course, sometimes I want to open up to my family but growing up with bottling up emotions, it gets kind of awkward doing it. Even when I do confront to my family about being upset, it always felt invalidating to me because they'll tell to either suck it up or that my feelings are wrong and I shouldn't feel that way. I get why they do that though. They don't want me to be overly sensitive and in a way, they helped me to handle my emotions more maturely. It's just that when I have a legit emotional imbalance, I feel embarrassed to tell them. 
I guess I still want my family's acceptance. I want them to see that I am emotionally mature. That even when I mess up, I don't have to cry about it.
I'm almost 23 now. I'm growing up as an adult and being under my family's way of living is not something I want to be in anymore. I love my family. They raised me and took care of me. I never go to bed hungry and I have a roof above my head. They are good people ....but I want to be free now. Free from being controlled emotionally. Free to live as me. The real me.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

"I'm Perfect"

It's been a while. 
I've never wanted to stop writing. I still want to keep this blog going. For now, I'm just struggling with the fact that my laptop isn't working well anymore and my phone's motherboard just got broken. After these happened, it gave me such a major inconvenience. I can't afford to buy new ones and honestly, it sucks. I've done most of my work on these things. I'm just upset because I know I've lost a lot of good opportunities because of this.

For now, I'm just saving up for a new phone I guess and if anyone wants to commission me for some art... *clicks tongue*

For now I have a spare phone that glitches once in a while with a crack on the screen so I guess that's still good. That's what I'm using to type all of these now. At least I have this...and my mother's Samsung tab that she lets me borrow to do my work sometimes. I guess I'm grateful for that. I still won't deny though that I'm still feeling upset at the moment.

Anyhoo, even though it's hard to type a whole post on this phone, I can't help it. I have a lot of things going on in my mind lately. I've so many things to complain, vent and rant. You probably can't handle all of them in just one post so I'll save the others for later in the future.

Before I continue, you probably already know how much Twitter plays a role in my friendships and social interactions. I love it and I have found a lot of happiness through it. Not to mention finding the man who caught my heart.
However, the place where I have found my happiness turned out to be something that is now controlling who I am as time goes by without me even realizing it.
You see, I know I'm loved. I can feel it whenever I get on Twitter. I can't deny that people adore me. I honestly have no idea how but somehow, I found myself on a pedestal this one day.
I've always thought I loved attention but... maybe not like this.

They say,

"What a queen!"
"I love you so much!"
"I want to be like you."

I feel somehow, dehumanized? Is that the right word? I don't know. I hate to say it but I know that I am being romanticized. I didn't realize how pressured I am to appear perfect in front of these people until lately, I've typed like hundreds of tweets but never ended up posting those tweets. They see me without flaws and that made me think too much on whether my tweets are good or not. Whether it shows me how good I am or not.
Maybe I'm scared of losing the attention or maybe I'm scared that I appear like I need attention, depending on what I want to tweet about. Or maybe if I become too real, they'll say "I only followed you because you're funny I don't care about this."

I know I think too much and I don't know where I'm going with these to be honest.

It's just that I wish people would stop putting others on pedestals. I just wish people don't look up so much to me as if I'm infallable because...prESSURE?!?!
It messes me up so much gosh.

Maybe in 2018, I'll start to not give a crap again. I don't want to lose my voice. This may be a hard thing for me but I don't know, maybe I'll learn something out of this.

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