Thursday, March 08, 2018

Surviving An Earthquake

Last night I survived a 5.0 magnitude earthquake. Funny how the "your life flashes before your eyes before you die" thing didn't actually happen though. The only thing that was on my mind was, "I NEED TO SAVE MYSELF I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

I was on my bed and messaging with my friend on the phone when suddenly, I felt the walls and my bed shaking. Most of the time in my area there's construction going on and I could feel it vibrating through the walls when they start drilling the cement and so I thought that was it but I was also thinking that nobody is doing construction at night?? And also the walls were shaking in an unusual way too? My second thought went to my brother too because his room is next to mine and the bass of his speakers are always booming through my wall that I had to constantly yell at him to turn it down. I thought it was him but I also felt that it couldn't be that loud.

That's when my other brother (not the one next to my room) screamed, "GEMPA BUMI!!!!" ("EARTHQUAKE!!!!) and then I threw my phone on my bed, gave zero crap about all the important things in my room and let a high pitched scream to run downstairs. My sister screamed to everyone to go outside. My mother was downstairs, still in her towel because she just got out from the shower. I had to held her up because her high blood pressure was acting up when she was panicking and it was... pretty rough.

When I was terrified for my life in moments like that, I realized that all the things I've spent worrying about in my life literally doesn't matter. The only thing I cared the most was my family... and me not dying lol.

Okay, the earthquake was like 10 seconds it wasn't that long but when it's the first time happening to you, you'd feel longer okay??? And it was reALLY SCARY! I so wish I'd never have to experience that again

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Sick of Being Sick

I wanted to update on here a few days ago but well, from the title, you already guessed it. I got sick.
Let me tell you how horrible it was just so you can have an idea on what I had to experience. Get ready, it's a wild ride.
Alright, it all started with me having difficulties on breathing for over a week. I didn't pay much attention to it at first but it became worse by the day. When I walked to the nearby small grocery store with my mother in the neighbourhood, I was suffocated and I had to stop for a while because I literally couldn't breathe. The walk to the store was like approximately 10 minutes. It wasn't really that far to be honest. That's when I knew something wasn't right.
My lungs were like filled with phlegm or mucous and it wouldn't come out. They were like all dried up in my lungs that whenever I breathed in, my chest would hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep well and I prayed to God that my breathing won't suddenly stop and that I would still be alive the next day. It was weird though because I never had history of an asthma attack or anything like that. I didn't know what was happening.

Last week on Sunday, I stopped by a pharmacy and asked the lady working there about what was happening to me and she was like, "Here", while taking out a bottle of medicine that says "Ventamol" on it. She told me it'll relieve the coughing and will open up the airways in my lungs. I asked her if I need an inhaler and she told me that if it's not that bad, I won't be needing it. Hoping she was right about it, I paid for the medicine and took it.

After two days of taking the medicine, I coughed out so much phlegm and spit them out in the bathroom sink. It was insane. My lungs were slowly becoming normal again. It's crazy how grateful you can get about just breathing when it was taken away from you for over a week. Guys, don't ever take breathing for granted.

After recovering from all that, the next day, I had a fever.
At night, I was cold and shivering. I turned off my fan and wrapped myself in my blanket. My head was pounding so hard, I thought my brain was about to burst. After a few hours of sleeping, I was awake again. This time, my whole body felt like it was on fire. I turned on my fan and kicked my blanket away. My fan was literally inches away from me and I was still so hot, I had to go to the bathroom to cool my skin off by pouring water on it. My legs, my face, my neck, my chest... wherever I can.

The next day, I didn't feel any better. I asked my brother to buy me some Panadol when he gets back from work but the thing is, I had to wait the whole day for him to be back from work. I was in pain. My body temperature went up and down and I wanted to vomit. Mentally, I was tired. I was crying and honestly, I was so weary. I didn't know why all these were happening to me and it was just too overwhelming. Plus, I still have a lot of work I need to get done.

It took me a while to realize that, things just happen. Everyone have different struggles and each of us have to go through certain things. Mine just happened to be my health and at that point of realizing that, I knew complaining about it and hoping I was in a different situation were a waste of time. Well, tough! Getting sick? Then take those medicines, get some rest, do whatever it takes to recover! 

I remember that there are people out there with worse situations than mine. Some people can't even recover from what they're dealing with. It makes me sad to think that someone may have it worse than me, especially the fact that I'm already suffering with minor things. Although I'm not dismissing my struggles, these really does put things in perspective for me and reminds me to always be grateful.

I'm feeling a little better now, although I just found out that I'm allergic to Panadol now because of my gastritis. I already took them for two days. No wonder I constantly wanted to vomit, gosh.

Prayers are appreciated!

Thursday, March 01, 2018

My Horror Addiction


Everything dark and twisted.

I'm addicted to it.

First, let's get to the story on how it started to me. Well growing up, I've always had experiences with... let's say the paranormal. You see, as a kid, I get easily scared but it was hard to convince the adults sometimes. When I was around 7 or 8(?), we had to move to another house because we couldn't pay the rent debts so my father's friend let us stayed in his house for awhile 'till our family could get another place. It was a two-storey small bungalow. We lived on the second floor and my father's friend and his family lived below on the first floor. I was young and I didn't know much on what was happening but I know my family was grateful for it. However, as much as we were grateful, the place was eerie. It was located in a very quiet neighbourhood and it got worse when it was dark. The overall atmosphere was strange. We never talked about it when we lived there and I only realized that I wasn't the only one who got creeped out by the place when we talked about that place long after we moved out from it.

I think that was my first experience feeling just odd. What I experienced from the house wasn't really extreme like you see in a horror movie or something but I did see "someone" on my peripheral version a lot of time and then it disappeared the second I turned to look at it. We had a big computer in our house and it was next to a window. Whenever my brother and I were playing games on it, I could sense someone staring right at me and I could see it from the corner of my eyes. But then again, it disappeared when I looked at it. My brother said he used to experience the same too. Outside the window was a roof beneath it (since we were on the second floor) and a lot of times, I heard someone walking on the roof. Sometimes the sound of sweeping too?

There were a lot of things happening too that I didn't notice. My mother told me that she didn't like going downstairs because it felt like she was being followed and my sister saw a white figure walked past the balcony quickly and it was gone. I could go on and on. 

We moved from house to house a lot and I experienced a lot of stuff. One time, I had to share a room with my parents because our house was small so I was on a mattress on the floor and I could see directly beneath my parents' bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw someone sleeping under their bed. I thought it was my father. Again, I was a kid. I didn't think much. I asked my mother the next morning and she said he never slept under the bed. She even said, "Why would he?" I shrugged it off. There was also this one time where I was sleeping and I didn't turn off the light. With my eyes closed, I could sense something flew past in front of my eyes because for a split second, it got dark and then it got bright again. I quickly opened my eyes and I was alone in my room.

There are so many stories. See, this is my addiction. When I start talking about these stuff I can't stop. Before this I hated watching horror movies. Literally, my friends had to drag me into the theater to watch Paranormal Activity but as I grow up, my curiosity gets bigger. I started watching Supernatural and got into these horror movies (the well-made ones, not the cliche jumpscares movies) and I keep coming back to the r/nosleep subreddit. It's fun because I can tell by instinct on which story is fake and which is real because I've experienced crazy stuff and I could tell which one in the subreddit is just exaggerating. I guess that's my ability now lol.

Heck, even my favorite youtuber, Shane Dawson had started a ghost-hunting series and I never missed it. Well, some of what he and his friends did didn't really work and there were no ghosts hahahah but his recent videos where he and his friends stayed overnight on the Queen Mary ship(most haunted ship in the world) was insane I was shook. I even saw a black figure moving in the video like the one I saw sometimes in my life. Something about all these are very intriguing. It makes me want to know more. I'm curious because I've encountered with some of these stuff. Like, it's spooky but also I'M CURIOUS. The weird thing is, I have no problem sleeping at night because I feel... desensitized? Like, I'm used to it? I don't know. Most of the time, I don't really feel like these things want to harm me. Their presence was not... evil, y'know? Even of they are, I know God will be protecting me so I rarely get scared anymore.

So there. That's my secret addiction. I mostly don't talk about it because I mostly get responds like them telling me that I'm just imagining it or I'm overthinking it... or maybe they'll say that I was just making it up. Yeah, it's better not to say anything then getting judged because of it. It's one of the things I get really interested in and being ridiculed is really not a good feeling.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

The Problem With Going With The Flow

Look, I don't know why I put this picture of me but this is my blog and I can do whatever I want so whether you like it or not, enjoy my face, okay? Okay.
Anyway, I was about to rant so let's focus on that. You probably already know what I'm gonna talk about from the title above.

I have a lot of problems when I hear someone says, "I'm just going with the flow". I know when someone says that, they probably want to imply themselves as being easy-going and flexible but what I actually hear when they utter those words are, "I don't have a plan and I don't feel like doing it". Let's be real, it's just a fancy way to say that you're lazy and you don't want to try. It's a great thing to say though because people don't really question you more after that. It's kind of an easy way out.

Of course there are situations where going with the flow is acceptable like when you're on a vacation and you need to explore the places or when you start a new relationship with someone and you need to know where you both are going with it first. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the more serious stuff that you need to think about in your life.

It's really frustrating to me sometimes because when it involves me in the situation and I need to know where we're heading, I get a reply like, "Let's just go with the flow". No, Karen I need to know where our project is going. Please, stop doing that. It's bad for people around you and it's bad for your own self too.

At this point, it's becoming more of an excuse than a reason to me. It's like an escape for the responsibilities that you need to take care of. Okay yeah it takes work. Not the fun kind of work too. Planning takes so much of your energy and time and it's stressful so it's understandable that people try to avoid doing it but you ignoring the outcome is a cowardly move. I can give you empathy and listen to you all you need when you struggle with it but as soon as you try to avoid it at all costs, I'm still gonna call you out.

Planning is good. It's important because it shows that you have a goal that you can work on to achieve it. I know this can be scary when the plan fails and it hurts a lot. Trust me, I've been there. But get this, failure means you've put work on it. If you just go with the flow, there's never gonna be failures because there was no plan to begin with. It's a good exit strategy but there's no lesson and growth for you there.
Even if you somehow lucked out on achieving your goals, you still won't learn anything from it because you got there not because of you but because of chance. Therefore, you won't be able to learn from your mistakes for next time you need to in the future.

These are why when people say, "I'm just going with the flow," is a huge turn off for me. Okay, I am all over the place right now on planning my life but I want to! I want to be better at it. I have to try. You have to try. We all have to try! Don't simply just give it all up to the universe and just hope for the best. 

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"What Do You Know About Love?"

If you're a Christian, you can probably relate when I say that I secretly disagree with what the churches are talking about and doing sometimes. Oh, the things I really want to say. I can go on and on and on. This post isn't gonna be about me ranting all of that though. It's just the sermon given by our pastor last week that kind of bugs me like an itch that doesn't go away.
Before I continue though, I just want to clarify that I love our church and it's the church that I accepted Jesus in my heart. I don't hate my church it's just one of those things where you felt "eh" once in a while like all the things in your life. I'M NOT A HEATHEN I PROMISE.
Anyhoo, back to the story. Last week, our pastor talked about Valentine's Day a little bit and he was talking about how it's a man-made celebration that didn't even exist in the bible and overall just kind of showing skepticism about the day and he went on about young couples and the love celebrated isn't even close to Jesus' love for us.
I know some of what he said was true that no love is greater than Jesus' love for us but it bothers me so much how older people view the young people celebrating love together. It's the kind of skepticism where they look at us and scoff, "What do you know about love?"
First of all, St. Valentine was beheaded for performing marriages in secret because he believed in love. He didn't go around and scoff at people for it. He was celebrating love and he risked his life for it.
Second of all, can anyone really tell what love is without quoting the "Love is patient, love is kind..." from the bible? Is anyone really in the place to look down on people and think, "Do you even know what love is?"
Personally for me, anyone can view love differently. Even when people still don't know what love is, doesn't mean they can't connect with someone and figure out what it means. I wasn't sure where I was standing in "love" but I've learned so much with my relationships with Chris. You think it's easy for us? You think all of these is just some kind of a joke?? You think that people like us celebrating Valentine's Day means that we're forgetting about Jesus???
Phew, sorry getting a little angry there.
So yeah I don't know I'm just kind of upset when people are being so skeptical towards young couples. There's nothing wrong about couples celebrating their relationship with chocolates or roses and there's also nothing wrong if couples chose not to do it. There's no reason to bash the other group. No couples are superior than the other. We all celebrate it differently! We all experience the romance differently.
Also, why do most older people act like they know everything about love? Because their married with kids? Most of the marriages I see are falling apart but go off I guess. *sips tea* 

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

"You're too skinny! Eat more!'

I've heard people say this to my face so many times in my life especially my relatives- the aunties and uncles... It has become so repetitive that at this point, I'm not even mad anymore. Before this I would go on and on about body shaming but some people are just genuinely worried about your weight and I can understand their point of view. I mean, if they start calling me ugly because of my weight then that's gonna be a problem but I know they're just worried about me not eating well.

All that to say though, I just want to go on and talk about how I'm eating more is more worrying to be honest. I want to gain weight too, don't get me wrong. However, I can't. Not all at once, at least. You see, I was diagnosed with chronic gastritis and this condition restricted what I eat and the way I eat. My intestines are not able to digest food well when I eat too much. The doctors told me not to force my body to work when you know it can't. I was stubborn a lot of times because of the pressure of needing to gain weight so I ate more than I should then my stomach freaked out. It was nauseating and I almost threw up. I was lucky I didn't pass out. 

Whenever my stomach is acting up, it feels like I'm literally dying. I feel cold but I'm sweating and then the nausea gets super intense.

A few nights ago my family went out and had dinner at a restaurant instead of eating at home. As usual, when I order a meal at a restaurant, the portion is always bigger than what I usually have. I had honey chicken rice and boy it looked good but I was the slowest to eat and it was hard for me to finish it all. I had to anyway because I wasn't the one who paid for it and it'll be rude if I let it go to waste. About eating half of the food on the plate, I started feeling tense. It wasn't fun.

It's also the same when I go and visit my relatives. The aunties, especially, will target the skinniest person and keep shoving food on them. Like, you don't want to be rude but you also don't want to die y'know? It's very upsetting and I get stressed a lot on situations like these. I want to cry when people force me to "eat more".
Really, I'm begging you. Don't ask me to eat more. Stop shoving food in my face. My stomach can't process food well and I don't want to die. I'm not even joking.

Honestly, I'm just getting better right now after a few days being sick. 

Friday, January 26, 2018

In Your Anger Do Not Sin

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. -Ephesians 4:26-27 

I was struggling with anger and bitterness from sometime now and I really feel like sharing what I went through and what I discovered from myself during those times.
The scripture wasn't joking around when it said not to give the devil a foothold. I thought I had my emotions under control but being angry and bitter in your heart, especially in secret is dangerous and it will have power over you. A small fire in the forest seems harmless until you paid no attention to it 'till it gets bigger and bigger when finally you realized, the whole forest is on fire. The fire destroys everything in it's way and in this case, it'll destroy your heart, your thoughts and finally the people around you. 

When I let my anger and bitterness festered in my heart, I opened a doorway for the devil to go his way. Even though all the situations happened to me can justify me being the way I was, I should have a better reaction to my situation. I have a bad environment for my mental health, I constantly lost grip of all sense of control in my life and I tend to see the world attacking me in all sorts of ways whenever things go wrong but instead of turning to God, I became angry, bitter, filled with resentment, even to God.

So losing God along the way, I was on my own.

On my own thoughts and my own emotions raging inside of me.
I still wanted to turn it around and wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be someone who I can be proud of so I taught myself to be patient around people. I want to show kindness but as long as the hurt and anger was still in my heart, I was still in pain. I couldn't fool myself and apparently my heart couldn't fool everyone around me. I get ticked off over the littlest thing because of all those bottled up anger inside of me. My family could see me and I could see in their eyes. They were wondering how did their little sister become such a b*tch. 

I knew what I did. I couldn't forgive myself but I still didn't want to let go of my anger. I was stubborn. I felt how bad I have turned and I started to become really depressed. I hated myself and when depression comes, dark thoughts came - I wanted to punish myself.

Thank God, I talked to some people for help. I was still in a bad place.
They did try and help me and they were amazing but my mind wanted to block all the advice. I probably mentally received like 30% of what the were actually saying.
When your heart chose to be stubborn, you can't change it.

In my heart, I screamed at God. I told him I hated Him and blamed Him for not being there for me and to be honest I didn't want to come back to Him... but I knew I needed Him in my life.
So, I told Him to change my heart. I didn't want to but I told Him to.

Today, I was thinking about the moments where the raging fire destroyed myself.
I knew I have to let go of the bitterness in my heart when I realized that I have hurt my own boyfriend. Chris didn't deserve it. I love him but I took out my anger on him like I've never had before. You see, I was lucky that I'm dating the most peaceful man on earth because he was chill about it. I don't know he may be upset and I really hate for him to be upset.

That's where God changed my heart.

I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to hurt him like that again... and then I just imagined myself hurting God. My Father who has been with me since the beginning. My first love. Knowing I've hurt the ones I love, it f*cks me up.

So yes, God changed my heart even though I didn't want to, because I asked him to.

Please, if you are struggling with the same thing, if you have grudges, resentment, rage in your heart, please let them go. Forgive the people that needs to be forgiven.
You'll never know what would happen to you.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:31-32

Blogger templates


sansanray Template by Ipietoon Cute Blog Design and Bukit Gambang