Monday, August 07, 2017

Why I Don't Talk Much

(warning: there is a lot of rage in this post so brace yourself)

Over the past few days, I started to realize how the same thing that happened to me at school was happening to me again. 
Let me just start from the beginning.
I've made a ton of friends on Twitter and I am so grateful for them but to be honest, I am dead tired of them sometimes. I know how mean that sounds but don't leave yet. There are more to the story. So, my Twitter direct messages (DMs) has always been full. I love hearing stories from people and I've always wanted to be there for them when they need me. They're my friends. They messaged me sharing their life stories and I genuinely got excited for the things that has been happening in their lives. But you know what I hate? It's when it was my turn to do the same to them and they only give short replies.
"Oh great!"
"Wow!"
"Aww!"
While before this I was constantly like, "Oh my gosh that is amazing I'm so proud of you gahhh!!! So how do you feel?? That's insane!"
You thought I was exaggerating, huh? I wish I was. It's just so disappointing to know that people don't really care about what I have to say. I tried thinking that they were genuinely listening to me and my feelings but I literally don't get any replies again after that. Even if I do, all I get is another story about what's been happening to them. I'm not calling out all of my friends there though. I have my best friends that I can trust and make me feel so great whenever I talk to them. The rest of them, not so much. Not only my internet friends though even friends irl that I text from time to time. I am just soooo tired to be in a one way conversation. They told me I'm a great listener. They told me I'm a great friend. But I truly don't feel the same way.

I wish I could say this is the first time to happen to me but no. It has been going on since I was in school. People talk and talk and when it was my turn, people don't pay attention and I get talked over. It upsets me because I know I have an interesting mind but nobody seems to care. Heck it was one of the biggest reasons why I started this blog. I wanted to write about everything. About what's on my mind. About my life. If people want to read it then that's great! But if don't, then they can just leave without talking over me. 

I know why I stopped talking too much about myself to people now. It's because I subconsciously thought that I'm gonna annoy them. I would rant over something and stop talking mid-conversation saying "I'm sorry, I talk too much," which I know I shouldn't sometimes. I know there are people who genuinely find me interesting. Even if they do listen to me, I would feel guilty for talking to long and thanking them for listening to me over and over again even if I don't have to.

I guess what's been happening to me since I was in school damaged something in me. I wish I was more confident about myself, my opinions, my thoughts and my beliefs. To my friends (and boyfriend) who are genuinely there for me to just hear me talk, I appreciate you and I would do the same for you anytime. Although, I'd probably still be a good listener to the people that needs me though but I'd just not talk more about myself I guess.

I needed a place to rant ok. And this is my blog so ya can't stop me bye.


Friday, July 14, 2017

A Girl and Her Bedroom

My sister with her husband and two sons came from South Korea to visit for one and a half week here so I had to give up my bedroom since we have a small house. I slept on the couch. I didn't mind. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they can.
I loved our time spent together. We even went on a trip to Kundasang and visited the places we never get to visit as a family before.

And then they left and it was hard to see them go at the airport. I know that she has her own family and her life needs her to be somewhere else. Still, it's always hard to see them go.

But part of me was just glad that they left.

Now that made me sound like a bad person but just hear me out.

I spent one and a half week being in the living room. I couldn't lie down on my own bed and just take my alone time there since they're using my bedroom. It's not just about being an introvert and recharging. It's just something about my bed that makes me feel safe and I felt that it was taken away from me. When I went to KL earlier this year, which is on the other side of the country, I was stressed out and anxious. I didn't know why. My only thought was to go back home and lie down in my own bed. I knew I'd feel better if I did that but, well, I couldn't.

That's what I felt the whole time my sis and her family was here. Although I love them dearly, I felt myself getting depressed day by day. But of course, I hid it pretty well. I've had practice so...

It may seem silly for you to read this. It was just a bed. Just a bedroom. Big deal.

However, it's more than that to me. It's one of the places that I feel truly safe. It's my happy place. A place for me to rest or for me to be creative. The place where I create stuff and the place for me to just think by myself. No noise. Just peace and quiet.

Over the past one and a half week, I was about to lose mind. I'd get anxious and just dreading the day 'till night where I finally get to have my sleep. Although, it didn't help how my fam always sleep late and I have to wait all of them to go to their room so I'd be alone on the couch.

Do I like the way I am right now? Definitely not. I hope this was never a thing. It would be so easier for me if I've never felt so attached to my bedroom. I'm not even sure it's healthy. As much as I want to convince myself that's it all just in my head, I just can't because once it started in your head, your body starts to shut down as well. My head was throbbing. I felt sluggish. I didn't feel like doing stuff. But I still did because I have to.


Wednesday, June 07, 2017

A Cynical Who Got Into A Relationship

I really don't want to be annoying by talking too much about Chris on my blog but then I thought, "Hey, whose blog is this anyway? Also, do I even have actual readers to complain about me to begin with? ha..ha.. ha?" 
Also, I promise I'm not gonna be too disgustingly sappy on my blog. That's private for the both of us.
I just want to talk about how I grow as a person through this relationship. I've been in relationships before. Obviously failed ones and I was immature back then. Wait hold on, let me start from how I was before I dated Chris.
Awhile back, I've been really cynical with romantic relationships because I thought people my age only want relationships for fun. I've seen it way too many times. They want to get together because it's fun. I'm ashamed to say that it happened to me too. Not that I was against relationships though but I just don't trust people my age to be serious so I thought I'd rather guard myself from these stuff for awhile and focus on improving myself as an individual. Being in a relationship always felt like a burden to me. I love myself too much to want someone to ruin it for me.

'till I met Chris.

I didn't want to be with him just because I craved for a relationship like I always did. I wanted to be with him because of... well... him. And it was a scary thought at first to have a crush again after years of guarding myself up. I'm bad at emotions I hate it. When I first started knowing him a little, that was me trying to feel the water with my feet before completely diving in. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my time yet that God still has a lot of plans for me... but then I thought, what if this is part of His plan? The way we found out about each other was insane... to the last detail of the story.
I don't know where it's gonna go for us but gosh I hope it works out.

I used to think that all the "couples thing" are obligations and I kept telling myself before that when I have a boyfriend, I have to do this, and that and don't be like that or stop doing certain stuff so he's happy with me. That's why I thought relationships are like chores to me.
However, when it comes to Chris, it all comes naturally to me because I don't do all these stuff just because I have to. It's because I want to. I'm ready to sacrifice a lot of stuff to make him happy and I honestly never felt that way with any guy. Ever.

One thing I also like in this relationship is that, he doesn't take away my sense of individuality. Don't get me wrong I care about him so much but I never feel like he's changing me like how I always thought would happen to me whenever I'm in a relationship. We're simultaneously great as individuals who get to do our own thing but also crazy about each other at the same time. I miss him from time to time but I really respect the fact that he's not slacking on life just because of me. 

I'm so grateful to God for him. He's very encouraging and always know what to say whenever I'm in trouble and he's just spoiling me way too much it's insane. 

I want to meet him so bad,

Monday, June 05, 2017

How I Started Dating My Boyfriend

He just ended his livestream and I was trying to figure out if I should message him or not. He just got back from camping with his grandmother and some other people. He told me that he didn't get to take a shower for days because they had no water. "Yeah. He's probably in the shower right now. I should wait to text him," I thought.

...

"Have you taken your shower yet????"

Gosh. I'm so pathetic. Why am I so desperate for his attention?

...and then I got a text back.

"Literally just got out from the shower. Oh my gosh I am a new man!"

I smiled. It's always good to get to hear from him and I was glad I checked up on him.

"I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time..." , he added and then sent a picture of him shaving.

I started smiling again thinking how silly he was. We started texting for a while until I started teasing him again about his old crush that turned him down a while back.

"I get crushes suuper easily," he complained. 

I felt bad about teasing so I tried to lighten up the mood.

"Yeah I can see that. You're a hopeless romantic."

"Why isn't he replying yet?" I thought to myself when it was just a minute of nothing. I thought he was mad at me.
Stupid me I shouldn't have mentioned his old crush!

but then I got a text from him..

"...literally the first time I commented on one of your ig pics. How sad is that?"

I froze. He actually said  that. He admitted of having a crush on me.

"Wait what? Did you have a crush on meeee?"

Yes oh my gosh please say yes I'm gonna make you say it. Say it.. SAY IT.

*Chris Howard is typing...*

okay yes this is it he's gonna say it ahhhhhhh

"Well that was before I knew you spawned from the depths of hell so"

I stared at the screen of my phone for a while. That's it. That's what he said.
I wanted to throw a brick on his face so bad. It's so easy to say it. JUST SAY THAT YOU LIKE ME, STUPID.
Probably because of my pent up frustrations for over a year, I kinda blew up and then I said,

"You know I like you right?"
"Wait as a friend or......?"

Seriously Chris, how dumb can you be?

"Oh my gosh, YOU'RE SO DENSE!"

Crap, was that too harsh though? I should add something else.

"But I don't mind if you don't like me back though. You're so fun to be around."

It was true though. I just wanted him to know that if he doesn't actually like me back, I'm glad to be his friend. It took him awhile to actually respond so I was preparing myself to be rejected by him.

...and then finally a reply.

"So you know the crush I had on you? Yeah it hasn't gone away since we've become actual friends."

He said it.
I could hear the Hallelujah chorus.

...

So, yeah that's a lil bit of the story of how I started dating Chris. It was hilarious on how it started though but I am so happy with him right now. :)

Saturday, May 06, 2017

Get Susan To America

oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gooooooosh
I'm SO EXCITED!!!!! I don't know how to start this post properly sorry I'll try to tone down the excitement hahahahah. Okay so you guys know how I always talk about my online friends here? Oh well if you're new to my blog, you can click here for reference. You can scroll down my blog or whatever and see how much this means to me. And now, I can say that there's a 90% chance of me meeting them I'M CRYING.


Okay let's talk from how it started.
My birthday is approaching soon so at around the end of last month, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to ask God for my birthday. I always do that and the amount of times God gave me exactly what I wanted is incredible. Goodness, I'm not even exaggerating! However, this year I have no idea what I want exactly. Like, I have no idea what material I desire because I honestly am good with everything that I have right now. I don't have much but I'm doing good! So I asked myself again, and I looked into the depth of my heart. What do I want? My heart said one thing and one thing only.

America.

It's true. I've wanted this for so long. I legit cry sometimes at the thought of not meeting them. Man, I must have looked so ugly at night lying in bed being all depressed hahaha. So, yeah I prayed that I want to go to America. I thought it was pretty far-fetched. Me? Going to America? If you live in Malaysia with this kind of economy, you'd think it's insane too. I thought maybe I could just ask God for a new phone. I don't really want a new one tbh but since the prayer isn't that impossible to be answered I thought it would be reasonable to do so.
My heart still longed with my friends in America though.

So a few days after that, I was chatting with Chris who I met through YouTube and Twitter. He's one of my closest online friends too. We decided to set up a time to do a video call because we haven't done it for a while so during our call, we talked a lot about what we would do if we could meet. Oh sorry I mean when we meet. Long story short, we got a little too excited and he ended up going to his computer and look up the price for all the flights. It was a shock to both of us that the price isn't as nearly as expensive as we thought it would! Can you believe we video called 'till 3 am because we were so excited? Holy moly. I mean it was noon at his place because, time zones.


So, the next day Chris, Mel, Grace and me were chatting in our group chat to tell them about the plan and after everyone got so excited, Chris set up a gofundme for everyone to pitch in for my flight tickets. If you're interested to help to donate you can click here.


I just want to take a moment to say how amazing God is and how powerful a prayer can be. I underestimated the power of prayers. I doubted my prayer about going to America and this is where I am right now I. Am. SHOOK!

"The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." -James 5:16b (NIV)

Now if anyone is out there reading this, please help me in prayers that my family would find a way to let me go and that I'd have no problem for my visa application. I want this so so much and I know God planned this friendship beautifully with no intention of not letting us meet each other.

And to everyone out there who lost hope for unanswered prayers, don't give up. I prayed for such a long time to meet them and I know if I keep on praying God will work this out and it will happen. I believe that your prayers will be answered too. Pray boldly! Prayers can literally move a mountain!

Also, before I go please watch this video of Chris talking about the gofundme and how much it would mean to me, him and everyone! <3

(click on the picture to watch it)




Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Thoughts On Transgenderism

Here in Malaysia, we never go much into the issue of transgenderism, which refers to the people who identify themselves as the opposite gender of their biological sex which they were born in. This is mostly because of how religious this country is. Although not all Malaysians share the same belief, almost everyone still feels some kind of discomfort when it comes to transgender. Society has thought us that this is wrong since we can remember. It is very different from the western world here. There are things that are not normalized and not that I am saying that everything should be normalized but I think that this closes the door on actually understanding the root of the problem. I am all about being able to disagree on things but I am certainly not in favour on completely dismissing the issue.
Now when it comes to transgenderism, we tend to only touch on the tip of the iceberg about this issue. It is so easy for us to call names to these people like “Mak Nyah”, “pondan” or “tomboy” and then just move on with our lives. How long are we going to shun them and treat them as outcasts without actually trying to understand about what they are dealing with? I do not mean that we need to stop what we are doing and celebrate these people or calling them heroes which I see some are trying to do here. I am saying that we need to understand what they are going through which is why I chose to write about this issue.
I wanted to talk about this for so long but struggled on deciding if I should because of how controversial this may be but I am just going to say right now that transgenderism is a mental disorder. I am not trying to belittle transgender people it literally is a mental disorder. This disorder is called “gender dysphoria” which is listed in DSM-5, a leading source of academic information about mental disorders. According to Google definition, it is the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex. This is what some referred to as “being trapped in the wrong body”. What I would like to focus on here is the word “dysphoria” which is a feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety and restlessness. It explains that people who have this disorder are really suffering. They can be extremely uncomfortable with their body and hate the way the look in the mirror wishing that they were never born that way. This leads to a high rate of suicide for transgender people which are estimated to be 41%. 
Does calling this as a mental disorder a free pass for us to use as a weapon to attack them? Of course not. Just like depression, social anxiety, claustrophobia or any other mental disorder, it is wrong to use them as a weapon for insulting them but it is also wrong to be hiding this fact out of political correctness. If we keep hiding this just because we do not want to offend some people, it will be a major disservice to people who are actually suffering from this. Calling this a mental disorder is not an insult. It is just a way of classifying things.
Touching on the subject of classifying things, since being a transgender has become a trend and seems to be glorified in this world, there are people starting to claim to be one without being diagnosed with dysphoria. They are not transgender. While people with gender dysphoria hate the way that they look and uncomfortable with their biological body, these people just easily think they are transgender by simply wearing a wig, putting on eyeliners, wearing different clothing style and voila! They are now trans and can demand on public bathroom rights! Some classify them as “transtrender” who just want to be one because of following the trend. I am not saying that I have all the right to classify people as transgender or transtender but it is very demeaning to people who actually suffer from it.
So far there are no known treatments. There are no pills you can take or any other cure. There are some who talk to psychiatrists about their disorder but it never really helps them in the long run. The only treatment that has a little bit of success in this is transitioning which can be faulty at times. It involves hormone treatments or surgical interventions to help the person resemble the opposite sex that they identify with. While some can be happy with it and move on with their lives, some can still have an extremely persistent dysphoria. Some may even have regrets later in life because transitioning has permanently sterilizes them. Transitioning may just be feeding into the disorder but I do understand that they might not be able to do anything else about it.
As a Christian, do I believe that transitioning is right? Well, no I do not. There are a lot of verses in the Bible that do not support living as a transgender. In Deuteronomy 22:5, it says “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.” I firmly believe that cross-gender identification is a concern because it threatens to dishonour the creational order of male and female. However, since there is no known cure for gender dysphoria, we cannot just choose to condemn them but instead, give them the support that they need. We cannot cure them right now but we can create awareness about this disorder instead of trying to normalize or celebrating it and I pray that one day, the world will put aside the political correctness and really find a proper treatment. That is what Christians are called to do. Pray for the brokenness of the fallen world.

Saturday, April 08, 2017

Being Woke Isn't Fun

Over the past couple of months, I've been keeping up to date to every current issue that has been going on with the world. I get so passionate with social and political issues that are not only happening in my country but on others as well. I get worked up most days on writing in my journal doing research after research. I also did some writing that I probably won't publish because most of them are controversial and one article would literally get me thrown in jail here under our government for publishing it.
I really like it. I do. I exceptionally enjoyed the process on educating myself. Still, whenever this happens, I have the tendency of talking non-stop about what I have learned and read. However, I can't talk openly about this without offending people. As an opiniated person, that feeling just majorly sucked. I want to share my thoughts. I want to let people know how deceiving and misleading the medias are. I want to let my friends know what terrible things that are currently happening in this dying world. When I see them, I see my past self - oblivious and practically ignorant to even care about things around the world. I desperately want to change that. But see, I know how annoying it can be for someone to go on and on about politics and other related things as such... and like I said, they are mostly offensive and I would get thrown in jail. Ha. Funny about Malaysia when they go on and on about "free speech" but once you say this one teeny tiny thing, there would be a conniption. Ya just gotta be politically correct to survive then. Man, I hate it.
Sigh. It becomes frustrating after a while. Besides not being able to talk about it, I'm having utter despair on the suffering in the world while not being able to do anything about it. I saw videos of women in the Middle East getting beheaded or stoned to death under their government law. I see people in the western world getting beaten up by simply having a different political opinions. I see Christians getting murdered simply because of their faith. Numerous terror attacks. So much more oh my goodness.
I wept and wept in my room knowing that I can't do anything to help them. The fact that they are is still happening to this day is even frustrating. I live a way more comfortable life than these people. How am I supposed to live normally knowing that these things are happening again and again and again? 

Honestly, I'm already drained from my anger, despair and hatred for evil things that I just wanna block all the medias to give myself a break. 
I tried. I tried just scrolling through when I'm on Twitter and see those things again. Then again, there's always this voice in my head telling me how ignorant I am. That I don't care about the suffering and injustice in the world. That I am letting myself back to being uneducated.
So I caved and read them all again simultaneously feeling all the anger, despair and everything.
It's a vicious cycle.
I don't know how to get myself out from this.

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