Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Living As An Adult Crybaby

I was having a breakdown today. Chris immediately called me even though he was dead tired and needed sleep. I honestly can't thank him enough for always being there for me.
I've always felt embarrassed to come to him whenever I'm upset. To anyone, really. I feel like coming across as, "Hey, it's me in a mess again. Like always."
I know my friends care and want to help me with my problems. They always tell me that they'll be there for me. Time and time again, they proved it. God knows how much I'm grateful for these people in my life. However, I still feel embarrassed whenever I have a problem. I feel like hiding it when I know I shouldn't. 
After I was done talking with Chris today, feeling a little better, I had so many questions in my mind.

Why do I feel embarrassed or guilty to tell people my problems?
Why is it hard for me to believe that people actually want to help me?

I discovered that I have the tendency to appear perfect. Not for others, but for me. I want to be perfect so I can be proud of who I am. That's why messing up and making mistakes makes me feel embarrassed of myself. It feels like I'm a failure.

But how did this happen?
I guess after a lot of thoughts today, it's probably because of how I was raised in my family. I don't have a good memory of my childhood so I can't tell you much about it but there was a lot of "tough love" going on. I remember when I cried because my brother pissed me off so much, my father yelled at me for being a crybaby. I mean, yeah he probably didn't want me to be a crybaby because I wasn't a baby anymore. I was like 11... I think.
Even then though, it was hard for me to show emotions in our family. When I got angry with my brothers, my father would yell because he doesn't like screaming in the house. No matter who was right or wrong, he never cared. All he wanted was just peace and quiet. I can't tell how many times me and my brothers got in trouble for having fights. Fights that were never solved because we got yelled at before we even get to finish talking. At the end, whenever we get angry, we just hold it in and break stuff in our room. 
Fast forward to when I was 20, I started to get more sensitive with my emotions. Of course, sometimes I want to open up to my family but growing up with bottling up emotions, it gets kind of awkward doing it. Even when I do confront to my family about being upset, it always felt invalidating to me because they'll tell to either suck it up or that my feelings are wrong and I shouldn't feel that way. I get why they do that though. They don't want me to be overly sensitive and in a way, they helped me to handle my emotions more maturely. It's just that when I have a legit emotional imbalance, I feel embarrassed to tell them. 
I guess I still want my family's acceptance. I want them to see that I am emotionally mature. That even when I mess up, I don't have to cry about it.
I'm almost 23 now. I'm growing up as an adult and being under my family's way of living is not something I want to be in anymore. I love my family. They raised me and took care of me. I never go to bed hungry and I have a roof above my head. They are good people ....but I want to be free now. Free from being controlled emotionally. Free to live as me. The real me.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

"I'm Perfect"

It's been a while. 
I've never wanted to stop writing. I still want to keep this blog going. For now, I'm just struggling with the fact that my laptop isn't working well anymore and my phone's motherboard just got broken. After these happened, it gave me such a major inconvenience. I can't afford to buy new ones and honestly, it sucks. I've done most of my work on these things. I'm just upset because I know I've lost a lot of good opportunities because of this.

For now, I'm just saving up for a new phone I guess and if anyone wants to commission me for some art... *clicks tongue*

For now I have a spare phone that glitches once in a while with a crack on the screen so I guess that's still good. That's what I'm using to type all of these now. At least I have this...and my mother's Samsung tab that she lets me borrow to do my work sometimes. I guess I'm grateful for that. I still won't deny though that I'm still feeling upset at the moment.

Anyhoo, even though it's hard to type a whole post on this phone, I can't help it. I have a lot of things going on in my mind lately. I've so many things to complain, vent and rant. You probably can't handle all of them in just one post so I'll save the others for later in the future.

Before I continue, you probably already know how much Twitter plays a role in my friendships and social interactions. I love it and I have found a lot of happiness through it. Not to mention finding the man who caught my heart.
However, the place where I have found my happiness turned out to be something that is now controlling who I am as time goes by without me even realizing it.
You see, I know I'm loved. I can feel it whenever I get on Twitter. I can't deny that people adore me. I honestly have no idea how but somehow, I found myself on a pedestal this one day.
I've always thought I loved attention but... maybe not like this.

They say,

"What a queen!"
"I love you so much!"
"I want to be like you."

I feel somehow, dehumanized? Is that the right word? I don't know. I hate to say it but I know that I am being romanticized. I didn't realize how pressured I am to appear perfect in front of these people until lately, I've typed like hundreds of tweets but never ended up posting those tweets. They see me without flaws and that made me think too much on whether my tweets are good or not. Whether it shows me how good I am or not.
Maybe I'm scared of losing the attention or maybe I'm scared that I appear like I need attention, depending on what I want to tweet about. Or maybe if I become too real, they'll say "I only followed you because you're funny I don't care about this."

I know I think too much and I don't know where I'm going with these to be honest.

It's just that I wish people would stop putting others on pedestals. I just wish people don't look up so much to me as if I'm infallable because...prESSURE?!?!
It messes me up so much gosh.

Maybe in 2018, I'll start to not give a crap again. I don't want to lose my voice. This may be a hard thing for me but I don't know, maybe I'll learn something out of this.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

Surprising Chris For His Birthday!

It was on the afternoon of December 5th. Chris' timezone was still on the 4th. I made him promise so many times days before to stay up 'till midnight so I could video call him and surprise him so he stayed up
All these while, I haven't had problems talking to him non-stop. I feel super comfortable with him all the time but on that day, my heart raced so much that I almost passed out. I don't know what I was so nervous about. All I had to do was to be pretty and pull out the little slice of cake while video calling at midnight there and light the little candle. Simple thing, but it meant a lot to me.

I don't know how or when it started to happen but making Chris happy has become one of the biggest thing that I've ever wanted to do in this relationship. For the first time in a long time, I found happiness by giving instead of receiving. I've fallen in love.

While he was all excited, I was nervous. I was waiting around half an hour before our supposed video call in my dress and makeup. Just sitting on the chair in my room setting up the place. Little cake and candle on the table, away from his view on the camera. He didn't know what I planned to do.

"Hey gimmie like 20 minutes," -a message came in from him. 
Texted him calmly to take his time while in truth, I was all nervous and fidgeting. It felt like I was waiting for him for an actual date. I mean, I was already dressing fancy and that was the closest proper date I've ever had with him. Was that how it felt like to go on a date? 

I wanted everything to be perfect for him. I know he wouldn't mind if things go wrong but I wanted to do it for him. It's his first birthday where we're actually together and I wanted to create a memory.

After a few minutes, he finally called me and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I knew it was coming but I was still in shock. He just finished brushing his teeth and getting ready to go to bed so he didn't look at his phone at first. When he did, he was very surprised with how I looked. He kept saying I was pretty and butterflies went off in my stomach it's disgusting.

"You're really pretty."
"You said that already."
"Yeah um well it doesn't stop being true."

How on earth did we end up being the cheesy gross couple like goodness we weren't even like that during our usual calls.
I'm telling you, it really felt like a date.

So anyway, midnight came where he was at and I finally took out the cake. His reactions made me so happy and I love making him happy. The rest of what happened was recorded at the end of his vlog so you can watch it if you want. (Click on the picture below to watch!)

So, that's about what happened for his birthday. I know it's gross I feel like barfing even saying it but I have truly fallen in love with this guy.

Opening Up About My Depression

It took me some time to actually come back here and update about how everything is going on with me but I did tell you that if I come back, I'm gonna be all better, didn't I? Here I am! All better!

So over the past weeks, I was in wreck. There is no doubt now that I have depression... which was not fun to discover that, by the way. Before this, I didn't know whether it was a good idea to self-diagnose or not. I didn't want to feel like I claim to have depression but what I went through recently was the hardest I have ever been. The moment I knew I was struggling with it was when I wished I couldn't feel a thing. That's how much in pain I was. I wanted to do anything to get out. I was so darn tired. I knew down moments are here and there in our lives but I knew what I was dealing with was not just a "down moment". I wished I could take pills like prozac. My friend told me it helped her. I wished I could afford a therapist but also at the same time I was scared to open up to a stranger. I was helpless. Drowning. I cried so much for weeks and I realized my mother were quietly observing my eyes because they were swollen from all the midnight crying.

So, why didn't I turn to God? All of you knew here that I'm a Christ follower so you must be wondering why I didn't mention about turning to God.
Well, as a matter of fact, I did. I was just too angry with God that I didn't care to listen to what He wanted to say to me and I convinced myself that something was wrong with me because God doesn't make mistakes, am I right? So it had to be my fault.
God answered my little prayers a lot of times and I am happy with that. It's just that when it comes to bigger things, things that matter so much to me, I didn't hear anything from God. I felt like my prayers were just noises going into the void. I was confused. Angry. Upset.
They say, "God is in control" so when I didn't hear anything from Him, I wanted to take control of my own life. Spoiler alert - it didn't go well. I don't have control. When I found out that I didn't get to go through the final round for the singing competition, I freaked out. I had so many plans ahead when I was "supposed" to win and then when I didn't, I was lost. "God can't help me now. I can't help me now," I thought.

I couldn't pray for myself anymore so after so long keeping it to myself, I finally asked Grace and Mel to pray for me. Even Chris too. I was so afraid to be a bother to them that I only came to them when I was on my breaking point. I mean think about it, when you keep coming to the same people with the same problem over and over and over again, you started to get embarrassed of the fact that you can't hold your life together.

Either way, they helped me in so many ways. I'm so so so grateful. They helped me see that God isn't punishing me and that it was not my fault. My heart was opened to finally come to God again.
I know this is cliche to say but reading the bible and praying consistently could help you in ways you couldn't even imagine. 

My situations aren't changing. I still have no control of my life but I truly know that God is. I can't change my situation but I can change my reactions to it. God gave me peace and joy even though my life isn't the best right now. It's amazing to say that. Past me wouldn't even believe that's possible. 
I'm not saying I'm completely healed. I still have wounds. I still cry like yeah I still have emotions, duh. It's just that, it's very different now. Like, I have peace even when I'm sad.

Some things I have learned though from all these are,
  • It's okay to feel. It's okay to be bitter, upset and sad. Dwell on it if you have to so you can figure stuff out and finally have a closure on your own. It's freeing.
  • Feelings are real but they aren't reality. These are two different things. You can feel that you're worthless. That's a true feeling and important to acknowledge it but you also have to know that it's not a reality. Learn to differentiate the two.
  • Don't hide it. Talk to someone. Anyone you trust. While you think they don't care, they are actually hurting knowing what you're going through.
  • It's also okay to not want to talk to certain people. There are people who are skeptical about depression and they have their right to their opinions but don't let them open up more wounds just the sake of "needing to talk".
  • Dark thoughts can distort your judgement. Let the thoughts out even if you don't want to. Write it. Talk about it. Vent. Do these things 'till everything makes sense.
  • God is not punishing you. It's not your fault.
Writing all these were really hard. It felt like I was living it through all over again but I hope it may help someone out there. Just one person and I'll be grateful for that.
'Till we see again on the next post.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

I'm Not Doing Well Right Now


If you have been following me you probably noticed that I haven't been posting on here a lot lately. I know I said I wanted to do at least 10 posts per month but I've been struggling with some things lately. I didn't feel anything good that happened for me to share here and I tried avoiding sharing my down moments so that's why I couldn't write anything.
However, I feel like I want to talk about it here. Just to let it out y'know?
The past few days had been rough on me. I mean I'm fine on the outside. I have enough food to eat, I have my family and I have a roof above my head and I'm grateful. I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just that, my mental health isn't really great lately. I don't want to say too much about what's going on though so I don't have to be reminded when I go back and read this in 10 years to come.
I've never been clinically diagnosed for my depression and I wanted to but I'm just scared to tell my family about it. They're kinda skeptical about it. Even if I do tell them though and ended up getting told that my depression isn't real because the doctors see that I have a good life, it will mess my head even more.
So at the end, I don't know. Often times I would tell myself that this is normal and it will pass and hey it works for quite some time... but I never let myself to actually dwell on it and figure it out by myself 'till later on it will resurface, hitting me 10 times harder than before.
I've been silently crying for two days in my room now. Last night I couldn't sleep well and woke up at 3 am just to cry. It's painful. My eyes hurt and stings now when I open them. My cheeks are damp from all my tears.
I didn't want to tell Chris at first about it but I realized that I was slowly pushing him away. All those short text replies and "I can't talk right now," excuses... I didn't want to hurt him. Not him... of all people. So I told him. I'm glad I could talk to him about it eventually though after I worked my courage to actually let him know what's going on. I feel a little relieved today. I'm not at my best right now but I'm glad Chris talked to me until things made sense for me.

I hope I'm gonna feel better on my next post. If you happen to read this post 'till this far, please pray for me. I'm really close to disappointment in God but I don't want that

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

I Joined A Singing Competition

Last Friday on Nov 10th, I sang on stage and it was amazing.

As you might already now from my last post, I'm in a singing competition so after my performance from last Friday, I'm going to have to wait 'till the 24th to see if I get through to the final round or not.

I know I'm late but I really want to share my experience from this.
When I signed up for this local singing competition that I heard about, I was excited and I wanted to win so bad. So I practiced a lot. What I realized was, I sound better now than I used to. Way back when I was younger, all I wanted was to sing but I didn't understand my own vocal ability. I didn't know my range and I didn't know my own singing style. I tried so hard to sound like the singers that I listen to. I was rejected a lot of times from school auditions and I didn't understand why. It made me scared to even try anymore but now I understand that I shouldn't. I should just do better than the last time.
I felt like I'm ready now. In the process of practicing, I learned so much about my ability and what to do to sound the best. I learned that warming up my vocals and choosing the right song is very important. I've learned so much and I was so passionate about wanting to unlock more of my potential that I still don't know. I wish I could have a tutor though but so far, I only have YouTube.
I was confident and ready until the day before the performance. We were having a soundcheck day the day before at the place and that's where I listened to the other contestants. I realized I wasn't the only one who knew how to sing. I was scared and nervous. I was too focused on myself that I forgot about the others. I was pretty bummed all the way home on that day. I couldn't sleep that night. I started to become really nervous as the day next day started approaching.

The next day came. It was the day of my performance. I was still kind of bummed but I still did a lot of voice warm ups. I didn't practice much because I thought I already practiced enough and I didn't want to kill my voice that day.
I was really careful on what I ate and drank. No spicy food, oily food or even cold drinks. I was dead serious about not wanting to ruin my voice.That night I arrived early and I saw some of the people that I met before so I sat with them. It felt nice to actually talk to them again and be actual friends instead of only seeing them as a competition. We waited in this room before the show started and there was a karaoke machine there. What do you do when you have a bunch of singers and a karaoke machine in a room? That's right, we were singing. 

It's so funny how I bonded with them so quickly. I was less nervous as I started singing together with them. I loved the feeling. The feeling where I was surrounded with people that share the same passion as me. We were all really happy.

After messing around a little with the karaoke machine, we finally went out to get ready for our performances. Not gonna lie, I was so pumped when I saw the stage. I couldn't wait to sing. I know the others were talented too but I realized literally all of us were talented. We just have different strengths in our voices and different style of singing. I had no problem with that at all and I was glad that everyone was happy with what they do. I was too. I have loved singing since I was little and knowing that other people may be better won't stop my love for it.

It was finally my turn. When I was on stage I was like, "This is my time to shine," in my head. True enough, I wasn't nervous at all! The judges were literally in front of the stage and I felt nothing. All I knew was I had so much fun and those were the best performances I have ever done in my life so far. I don't know how I did but the crowds cheered when I finished and I saw a little smile from one of the judges.

When the night was over, I missed it already. I want to be on stage again and I want to meet my new friends again. They were so lovely. I understand now why the contestants in American Idol cried whenever one of them got eliminated. It was because friendships were built even when it's a competition. I want to do more of these and whenever I saw the opportunity again I'm very sure that I'm gonna grab it.

It's completely fine that I may not get through to the final, even though I'm hoping that I would but I'm already grateful for that night. All in all, I want to give glory to God for always helping me out and listening to my prayers. Shoutout to my friends and family too who constantly prayed for me. My friends knew how stressed and nervous I was days before the competition hahaha but yeah y'all are great. Special thanks to my boyfriend, Chris for encouraging me even though I ignored him the whole day on the day of the competition because I needed focus hahah sorry, babe. Thank you, Mel for telling me to chase my passion. Thank you, Grace for believing in me. And also Sasha, Kristina and Alyssa and so many people in the PDC who prayed for me.

And finally the biggest shoutout to my sister, Nora who sponsored my beautiful dress, makeup and all her energy to drive me back and forth till past midnight. I am very grateful.

What a journey. I can't wait to see more of what God is planning in my life.

Sunday, November 05, 2017

I Realized That I'm Pretty

Since this is the first post of this month, let me just say it. No, I didn't achieve my 10 posts per month for October. However, I wasn't actually disappointed with myself because when I looked back, I did 8 posts without actually feeling like it's a chore to do. I did that because I wanted to. Not that I didn't like doing it before but I finally started to feel like I'm blogging with ease and without pressure now. I didn't even realize I managed to do 8 to be honest. 8 for October. 8 for Oct. Get it? Because Oct means 8 in Latin? I don't know why the tenth month is called October by the way.

Anyhoo, I've had a lot of things going through in my mind lately about how I look. I went out with my family to watch Thor Ragnarok yesterday, which was awesome btw, and I now just realized... I am pretty. Okay that sounded silly but hear me out. It's just the way that people look at me whenever I'm in public. The way guys trying to catcall me wherever I go. I hated getting catcalled but there's a reason how I got their attention. Still not justifying their act because it's disgusting but I can see how people see me differently. I've seen the way people look at me almost all my life. Okay maybe not during my early teens (heavens no) but as I've grown older. They think I'm pretty. I don't want to admit it at first but I think... I think... I'm privileged?

I never liked that word but I can definitely tell that I've had it easier than most people. I can walk in a room and impress everyone by just my appearance. I have nothing to be scared because I can see from people's eyes how pleased they are at my presence. I don't act like Regina George from Mean Girls though where I walk everywhere like I own the place. I can, but I don't want to because deep down, I feel guilty. Guilty for the people around me that doesn't have it as easy as me. Even in college I was teased by my friends and calling me "hot stuff" because I was quite popular among the seniors.

I know looks aren't everything but it's a lie to say that it doesn't do anything. Being pretty does have some advantages to it. A guy lowered a price for a pair of jeans that I bought a while back because he thought I was pretty for goodness sake. Stuff like that happens a lot and I realized that a lot of times, I kinda liked the attention.

However, even though it's fun to be pretty, I chose not to be too dependant on my appearance alone on certain stuff. I people want to be friends with me than I will give them more reasons on why they should be friends with me. If I wanna impress a crowd I have to do more than just stand there and be pretty, that's why I wanted to be witty and funny. I even learned how to carry a good conversation. So yeah, those kinda things, Most of all, I will never ever make someone feel inferior to me by the way I treat them. Some already put me in a pedestal because they think I'm very pretty and talented so I want to break that. I want everyone to feel as confident as I am with themselves like how I feel with myself. I don't want people to get intimidated by me all the time.

I know one day my beauty will leave me and maybe I'd get sad because honestly, I really do love how I look like. Sure, I have some insecurities but I enjoyed being myself. However, at the same time, I don't want my legacy to just be "the pretty girl". I wanna be remembered as more than that and I hope I've been doing good so far.

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