Thursday, December 24, 2015

Always Wanting To Be The Best

When you constantly gets praises, it' hard to accept when one person suddenly insulted the one thing you always gets praises about. You know, when people always compliments you on your beauty and you feel pretty all the time and when one day, one person says that your skin looks awful or your hips are way too big or when you get compared with someone else's beauty and you get crushed completely while questioning whether all the compliments had been true or not.
       In this post, I would like to share this one ugly trait of mine which is wanting to be the best compared to everyone else. 

The most common praises I've always gotten are, "Pretty", "Smart" and "Talented". At the first few  stages on receiving those kind of compliments I always feel like rejecting their words like, "No, no I'm not," or "There are people who are better." But as time passes, those words kind of grew on me and I got more confident by saying thank you and smile.

First, I would like to tell you some things on getting told that I'm pretty. Well, a long time ago I always thought that I never looked good enough. I think we all felt that way didn't we? I mean, who like to admit that they looked amazing before puberty hit them? Who? You? Well, aren't you the lucky one. Anyway, gettin' off topic here- I now look better. I always hear people talking about how I should be a model because I'm so tall and beautiful or be a flight attendant. You know, what people say gets to my mind and those words influenced me that made me think how beautiful and model-looking I am, not gonna lie. I know how to do my makeup too so people always talk about how they admire my beauty. I really really enjoyed them until one day... 
A girl in the same faculty came looking amazing and tall and fancier clothes than me. Every compliments I've ever gotten, every one of it, moved from me and straight to her. Worse is when others were asking like, "Isn't she beautiful?" to me. I mean hellooo, I'm beautiful too. Was saying that in my mind though. The fact is, she doesn't just look like a model, she is a model. And richer than me. But then, I thought, I just be the girl who just agrees that she looks beautiful...probably more than I do. Even though it feels sucks. Since then, I learned to give compliments to other girls and actually appreciate how pretty they are and store my envious feeling and locking it away.

Now let's talk about how I was always told that I'm smart. I actually don't think that I'm that smart according to what my friends, seniors, or even lecturers told me. I was always kind of slow and constantly asking my lecturers everything that I don't know because yeah, I'm slow. But when I started to get Dean's List and able to get it again after 5 semesters in a row, it was kind of shocking. Plus, being awarded as the best student in my course boost up my confidence so high. 
But I think that, how smart I am was not measured from my GPA. I'm guessing that I'm smart because of my eagerness on learning, sacrificing time, being able to speak up in front of people, the way my mind works when I think and probably something else. I love when people say that I'm smart and notice those things about me. It makes me feel good. But you know, you don't always get to be the one who gets all the praises in class. There are moments that people takes your spotlight and outshines you and the lecturer just looks at you and wonder what on earth is happening to you when you're the star every time. I'm gonna say it again, it sucks. However, I'd just let my feelings aside and congratulate the one who deserves it.

Now we get to the "talented" part. I am an artist and people endlessly talking about how good I am in drawing portraits and I learned so quick whenever my lecturer taught us anything. I was the one who always got it fast when a new technique was taught and it showed through my work immediately. My lecturers noticed that too and I love getting observed by them and my friends. But you know what they say about beating talent? Being hardworking. As I knew I was the talented one, I started slacking off while others got hardworking and became more diligent. I was getting behind and I hated that. I realized that talent without hardwork is useless. There is this one junior of mine that seems way more talented than me and very hardworking and I felt challenged. She's a junior and she actually is way better than me. If I can see this, it's not impossible  that people can see it too. I feel ashamed that she's better than me and I don' like it because I'm always wanting to feel on top. Being the best.

Well, people grow up and their mind matures and I realized that as much as I hate knowing that others can be better than me, people deserves to get praises too. How I feel worthless without the praises is not right because the praises I get came from the gifts God had given me-which He can take back anytime- and He is the One who should be forever praised. My worth does not came from the praises of the gifts that God can take back anytime. I should know that my value and worth comes from who I am to God which there are so much more to explore in Him.

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