Thursday, December 29, 2016

Have Courage And Be Kind

You tried.

You tried your hardest to be nice. You became the bigger person. You trained yourself to not let your emotions take over yourself. You actually did it. You're so proud of yourself.

But for how long? You knew it would only lasts for a while.

You couldn't take it anymore. You aren't as strong as you used to be now. People don't see how good you've been to them. They don't realize the kind of sacrifice you've made for them. They hurt you. Walked all over you.

It's not fair.

How could you still be treated like that? You're an incredibly good person! You don't hurt them like they do to you. You don't deserve this.

What's the point anyway, right?

What's the point of being good to those who treated you badly? They don't even care when you're hurting. They never bother to check on you when you're down when you always did that to them.

If only you could make them feel the way they made you feel. You probably could though. You're strong enough to drag anyone. It would be so easy. You know you have always wanted to do that, right?

No, dear.
Don't listen to those voices.

I'm telling you, don't give up. Don't ever stop being nice. That's one of your best qualities. You're seeing people that don't appreciate your it but I promise you, there are people out there that would love that about you. Don't lose it.

Still, don't dismiss the people that hurt you. You live among them for a reason. The world is full of negativity and you're one of the few that are blessed to know what kindness is. If you lose it, what more do you have to offer for the world?
Living in the dark is a golden opportunity to be the light of the world.

Show love.
Show kindness.

But you're tired though, right?

Ask yourself this, why did you want to be kind in the first place? Was it for your own benefit? Is it why it bugs you so much that you don't get treated the same?

It's a struggle. I know. God knew this when He told us to love our enemies. He knew that they may not show kindness back. Heck, that's why they're called "enemies".

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? - Matthew 46-47

Don't give up. Don't stop being nice.

Remember this, Susan. Remember this now. Remember this tomorrow. Remember this forever.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

2016 Was A Bad Year?




This is currently circling around Twitter and I decided to do it because who doesn't want to spread positivity? Everyone is claiming 2016 has been the worst year ever. I didn't want that kind of negativity around me. I wanted to be grateful! I wanted to show that it's not all that bad!

It was kinda fun at first to remember all the good stuff that were happening this year. After quite a while, it got harder to come up with more good stuff that happened this year. I gotta admit, 2016 wasn't really that great for me. What was I thinking? I won't remember this year as an incredible year. I was upset, confused, angry and anxious most of the time. This whole year was a year for me figuring out what I'm gonna do with my life. What my next step is. Still, I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

I saw my friends getting engaged. I saw them getting married. One of them was having her second baby. People my age from my old school were travelling the world.

Yet here I am, still confused.

Depression got the best of me and I discovered that I have anxiety when I was constantly getting ill and the doctor told me that I have an extremely rapid heart beat. The symptoms were all there. I just never paid attention to it.

I got hurt by someone's words that I woke up at 3 am because I literally felt like my heart was slashed with a knife. I still remember the pain.

I fainted and broke my tooth.

I watched families broke apart from their feuds.

I experienced intense loneliness where I was alone with my thoughts and struggles.

Christina Grimmie died.

A lot of things happened.

That's all I'm ever gonna look back when I remember 2016 in the future.

But that's the thing. The most interesting things that happened this year were mostly bad ones. This was overall a year of heartbreaks, pain and sorrow but I am honestly so grateful that those things happened because they made me who I am on this day. I eventually learned so much and grew stronger from them.

I learned that being surrounded by harsh environments and mean people is a golden opportunity to be the light in the dark which is what Christ calls His followers to do.
Through my depression and anxiety, I learned that I am loved and I truly see who actually cares for me and for that I have met great friends that I truly love. Even though they live across the world. I learned that every family isn't perfect but I'm grateful that I have people that actually cares about my well being no matter how messed up they are. Whenever I'm in trouble, they were the one who helped me out. Things may not be perfect in this house but we have a roof above our heads and I shouldn't complain. During my confusion and insecurities about life, someone came to me and told me that God has a plan for me. A plan to prosper and not to harm me. That made my faith grew stronger and I grew closer to God. While mourning on someone's death, I learned that life can end at anytime no matter if we're ready or not but what we can do is to do something meaningful with our lives and be the light in the Lord during our time on earth.

I was doing it wrong. I was trying to be positive but all I did was pretend that the bad things never existed. I guess that's what people tend to do to make themselves feel better. They focus on the good things instead of the bad ones but I personally think that we should acknowledge the pain because if we just brush it off we might never realize what lesson lies behind every bad things that happened to us. As cliché as it sounds, everything does happens for a reason.

I gotta admit 2016 was a rough year but in a way, it was an incredible year. I grew stronger as a person. If I have to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a single thing.


I'm coming, 2017

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Dealing With People Who Made Me Angry

I've been struggling with how to deal with people around me so many times in my life. It's like every second is stressful for me which leads to my emotional health getting worse. I've had this with authorities in my life, collegues, friends or even family. There is always going to be people who mistreat you and make you angry.

Now I don't hate these people but sometimes people that you love can hurt you the most whether on what they say to you or what they do to you. I tried to stand up and speak for myself but it always ended up for me to get blown up in anger or I got treated like I was giving "attitude" or "talking back".

So I don't do it anymore. Instead, I just hold it in until I get super depressed.

It's unbelievable how much injustice that are going on in my life and I have no idea when it's gonna end. It hurts so much when I see people who are surrounded with love and compassion knowing I could have that. I deserve that too.

After so much struggle dealing with this, God spoke to me. He made me realize that this is a golden opportunity for me to be a light in the dark and as a child of God, this is something that I'm called to do. As He was showing me these things, I understand now how I am not responsible for what they do to me but I certainly am responsible on how I respond to them.

The issue wasn't about them being right or wrong. It's about whether my responses were right or wrong.

People don't have the power to make me bitter, angry and resentful enough to justify ungodly responses on my part.
Only with God's grace I can overcome evil with good through a wise and humble spirit.

So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. -Romans 14:12

Back From Graduation!


I should have posted here as soon as I got home from my graduation at Sarawak. I am so sorry. Honestly, I'm kinda bad at keeping my blog updated but I promise you, I'm trying as hard as I can.

I flew back here on the morning of Nov 9th. I was kinda sick along the trip so I was glad to get bacl home and just rest however long I wanted and that was one of the reasons I didn't get to update my blog.

Anyhoo,
       the trip was actually not that bad as I thought it would be. Two nights before my flight, I was filled with so much anxiety. I couldn't sleep well and wanted to cry for no reason... which was weird because I HAD NO IDEA WHY. I was probably just overthinking stuff that I was sure that things would somehow go wrong. I mean, graduation is another big step in my life I had to take. I didn't want it to go wrong. Gosh, I hate feelings.

However, with prayers and encouragement from my internet friend, Mel, I got through it. Some uneasy things did happen though like me being sick with food poisoning and vomitting in the bathroom at 5 am and some family bickering but hey, a lot of interesting things happened too!
Besides, I get to meet my old friends again and it was a lot of fun. Things are going so great with their lives and I am so proud of them. Still, I started to compate their lives to mine again. Sigh. Why do I always do that?

(Left to right) Farhana, me, Hazirah, Azizi

(Left to right) Me, Lyana, Farhana, Hazirah

(Left to right) Shyrul, Hazirah, me, Farhana, Azizi
There are way too many photos and I can't post them all here. I you're friends with me on Facebook, you'd probably already seen them anyway.

So, on the day of my graduation, I met my former lecturers again! It was so overwhelming how they were truly so proud of me. Mr. Zaidi and Mr. Razif called me right after the graduation just for a selfie with me. Like, thsy instantly turned towards me and I wasn't even near them! 
Oh and other than that, Miss Julie and Miss Syida offically met my parents for the first time. The two people who raised me and the two people that pulled me through during college. It was a big moment for me when they were shaking hands.

Before I left, I had a little talk with Miss Syida about what's my next plan gonna be. I was scared when she brought it up but turns out she was super sweet about it. She told me that she saw my portrait business updates on Facebook and she was proud of me. She kept assuring me that it doesn't matter that I haven't continued studying right now as long as I don't plan on stopping. She even told me that she would always be available when I need to come to her for consultation or just needed some questions answered.

Miss Syida and I <3
Oh okay now I'm tearing up again  
(Quick, Susan! End this with something funny!)

Oh by the way, the day before my graduation, when I was heading back to my rented dorm room, I saw my freaking ex (which I haven't seen for more than a year) casually eating at the cafe so I sprinted the other way and accidentally crashed with my friend, Lyana, and that is thw story of how Lyana's teeth mark was on my collarbone for the next few days.

Ok I don't know how to end this so here's more pictures. Enjoy.





With Mom and Dad



Wednesday, November 02, 2016

About Graduating and What's on My Future

Maintaining a blog and posting stuff daily isn't as easy as it may seem but I'm gonna try my best to do it. Sometimes, I go back through my old posts and see how much I progressed in my life as an individual and looking back how much God pulled me through my struggles makes me feel so good and grateful. I'm blessed on all the good and the bad that brought me to this point of my life.
I'm doing this for my past, present and future self. 
Plus, if there's even one person reading my blog and it moves you in some way, I want to keep doing it. For you. If my life could be a good testimony and able to bring glory to God, then umm, yes please!

Anyhoo, a lot of things have been going on lately and I don't know where to start. Well, in less than two days, I'm gonna be flying to Sarawak for my college graduation and I am having so many mixed feelings about it. I am thrilled don't get me wrong but I'm nervous about a lot of stuff too. However, I think flying there early would maybe give me sometime to adjust and for mental preparation.
The thing is, everyone already furthered their studies throughout this year except me and a couple of others. I'm still at home still figuring out if I wanna further this or not. I know it's my choice but my lecturers are gonna come to me when I get there and ask me what I have been doing after I got out of college and ask if I'm gonna get back to studying again and darn it, it's gonna put a whole lot of pressure on me. Don't even get me started when they start talking about how I was the legendary best student but still can't figure out her life or won't get back on studying. That's what I have to deal throughout college. People assume that I have everything figured out because apparently I was "the best" student who apparently couldn't afford to make mistakes.

The reason I'm still not sure if I'm gonna further my studies in Fine Art is because it's so expensive and I literally almost died from exhaustion. Doing art for life needs finance and mental stability. When I was at college, I got in and out of the clinics and hospital multiple times because committing my life in art was taking a toll on my health. I don't know if I can do that all over again.

But here, at home, doing art and getting paid, I love it. Although sometimes I'm struggling to get customers so I don't know if I can do this job forever. So basically, I have no idea what to do with my life.

I'm gonna be graduation on the 7th and it's gonna be awesome but...
I hate how I'm gonna filled with this worry and anxiety for my future after I get back home. Yeah I graduated but what next?

I prayed about all of these and I trust God with my life. I feel like God is telling me to wait.
I don't what for but I feel like He's telling me to wait.
I know God is able to do things that are beyond my expectations...I mean He always did.

But what should I do? I don't want to just sit around worrying.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Why Don't We Talk About Sex?

This is something I have never openly talked about but I feel like some of the most unspoken things are the most important ones to discuss about. If I feel like I have something that needed to be said, I shall not keep it to myself.


Sexual desires.

      It can be so quick to make someone feel so dirty, nasty and shameful whether it is because you are secretly having strong desires on someone, or because of a certain addiction to pleasure yourself physically from browsing the internet, or even accidentally acted on it with someone. 
All the results from having sexual desires can make someone filled with so much guilt and shame. This could even lead to self-loathing.

Lust is one of the strongest temptations there is. You are not the only one struggling, trust me. Society told us that only men are struggling with this but nobody talks about how women can have the same struggle too. I truly understand why a lot of us would not openly talk about this. I know why it is frowned upon. However, sweeping this topic under the rug and pretending it is not there does not help at all.

One thing I need to say though is that I am deeply saddened how sex is viewed as the work of the devil. It feels like people treating it as the ultimate sin.
We need to stop with saying "Ew," when talking about sex in a mannerly way. Stop with the "freak in the sheets," and "She's an angel that turns into the devil in the bedroom," talks. Do you even realize how offensive it is to God when we assume sexual acts belong to the devil when God was the one who created it?

If we just take a moment to remember how God created sex, it really is a beautiful thing. He intentionally created us with physical longing, intimacy and connection with others. Have you ever wondered why certain parts of our body has different sensitivity than the others? Why did we get such a rush when our knees touched with our crush's? Or how our hearts beat faster when we accidentally touched their hand?

Yes, God specifically did all of that for us. Physical attraction is a gift.

Although, this could be dangerous when we start worshipping the gift. Not the Giver. When we start putting our desires first, we are worshipping our desires on default and leading us to our sinnful ways of living.

Now, I may not be in the perfect place to say these stuff since I have never experienced sex but I personally want to wait 'till marriage. I don't exactly know how it would affect someone having pre-marital sex but when I committed to a guy even without the sexual act can tore me apart when it did not work out, I cannot imagine what would happen to me if I did have sexual relationship back then, where we would be more than just emotionally connected but physically too. I certainly would not be ready to face such heartbreak.

Why was I telling you that? 
I am just saying that if you want to wait 'till marriage, make sure you don't just do it because you have to or because it is a "Christian thing" to do.

A lot of churches avoided talking about sex and all they do is urge teenagers for abstinence and to remain "pure" 'till marriage without telling them why. Doing this would only make the teenagers think that sex is bad and disgusting. Once, I read about  this girl who felt some sort of a victory after remaining pure until her wedding night where she felt awful and disgusted about herself. We don't want that to happen to us.

Those are some of the things I needed to say on this topic. I hope the Holy Spirit lead me right on posting this and helped you in some ways. I encourage you to do more reading on sex and relationship in God. I did some reading, picked up a book or two and it helped me to understand so many things that people usually don't talk about.

Before I end this, I just want it to apologize to anyone that felt like my sharing triggered some awful memories or your sinful insecurities. It was never my intention but remember that you are not alone and God will carry you. <3

Life Updates


I'm trying so hard to keep up with my writing here but seems like life is taking over me. Not complaining though. I don't have anything extravagant to write about for now but I would like to just post up some updates with my life. I want to use my blog as a way to connect myself with people. I want to be personal because it seems like people can't really know me just by my tweets or other social media posts. I mean, I barely even go to my Facebook anymore.

1. Physical
On my previous post, I was talking about my addiction with caffeine. Well, sorry to disappoint but I caved in on the 6th day. I was having withdrawals symptoms because I've been relying to coffee for the longest time. I'm sorry but for now I'm trying to take it on moderation, which seems to work pretty well with my health. I get energized, tired and getting my rest with just the right amount. So, it's all good. My body still jerks sometimes when I sleep though I don't know why.
Aside from that, I've been sick a few times and Meniere's disease(I'll talk about this on another post) was acting up from time to time which was not helping with my days' productivity.

2. Emotional
I've never openly talked about this but I have been struggling with depression for so long. I mean, it's not really all the time though but there comes a time I feel so rejected and worthless and feeling like my world is collapsing while being wide awake at 3 a.m. I've never really checked if it's a clinical depression or not so I don't really know why I'm like this but I know part of this is because of the devil's lies to me. However, for now I'm really really happy. I haven't felt this happy for such a long time. I know some of my close friends are praying for me and I know it's because God is working through my cries to Him. This is such a beautiful time with my heart being so content right now. There were some ups and downs these past few days but with all of my struggles, I tried working it out and stop believing to the devil's lies, even if it was so easy to fall again. I know I screwed up a lot of times but the fact that the Almighty God still trying to help me up, I just... I can't even put it into words.

3. Productivity
Oh my gosh these past couple of months were such a creative time for me I've been creating a lot of art, getting portrait orders, developing my ukulele skills, writing, singing... I love it! Although, all of the work needed to get done in one go, I managed to pull through the stress and challenges. One customer wanted me to start over the drawing I did where I put all of my effort in two days because it wasn't good enough. I mean, yeah I was down and I cried on my bed for like 30 minutes but I shrugged it off and started it again because crying won't solve anything. It was a proud moment for me. Oh! I also got my first portrait order from USA. It was from Sarah Tuttle, my friend I knew from Twitter. That was the first time I got an order from outside the country and I'm so happy my talent is appreciated from people so far away! 
Still, I wish I kinda get to do more creative things for the past couple of months though. I didn't even complete the 31 days of #inktober. I have to challenge myself more for the next few months.

Sarah's lil bro, Thad
Sarah and Thad
Inktober from day 13
4. Social
Well, since being at home most of the time I don't meet a lot of people but I'm kinda okay with it, I guess? Most probably because I'm an introvert. I mostly talk to my friends I know through Chris Howard (Pun Diddley on Youtube) and Blimey Cow(also a Youtube channel) on Twitter. I know some of you may be skeptic towards internet friendsips. I used to too but I'm legitimately telling you that I have never met people so far away that could be so close to my heart. So, yeah I'm socializing through Twitter and sometimes on Snapchat too. I don't get to talk to them much nowadays though because I have so much things to do. I miss spending hours with my internet best friend, Mel, just messaging each other. But we made a pact to start being serious about our lives now. 

Those are pretty much all of the things happening with me now. I hope from these updates, you get to follow me more on my life. Congratulations for reading 'till this part. I don't know if you like reading but I know it's a long post. Some may prefer watching youtube videos but I'm more comfortable on expressing my thoughts through writing. Although, I'm kinda interested on starting a youtube channel but probably not anytime soon. I need to work more on my confidence and charisma.

Friday, October 14, 2016

My Coffee Addiction


This is my third day of me not consuming any caffeine because I realized that coffee has been affecting my health lately. I got constantly tired and even though my body wanted me to sleep, I got irritated by the littlest noise. My body flinched every 10 minutes when sleeping at night and I never felt fully rested after waking up no matter how long I slept. I became lazier than ever and hated myself for napping the whole day. The last straw was when my head was throbbing so much during the day and I knew I needed to stop.

I was too addicted with coffee that I drank 2-3 cups a day. Sometimes, 4. I'm not just saying this, I really was addicted with coffee. Still is probaby... sort of. The first day I started to stop, I was in agony. My body was literally shaking because it was craving so hard for coffee but I fought it because I don't want to get sick again. The second day, I was still craving for coffee but I could feel that my health was improving. I almost lost my battle though since my mother was serving coffee in the evening but I settled for orange juice and some tea after that. They weren't the same but at least it was something. It's the third day now and I feel so much better but I really miss the smell of coffee and the taste of it oh gosh. However, since I stopped drinking coffee, I feel more energized than ever. Happier, even! I was productive and even though I took a nap, I didn't feel that tired as always after waking up. I sleep better a night and it's awesome! I might still be drinking coffee though but probably only on the weekend. I don't think I can completely stop.

I need all the encouragement I can get because I reaaaaaally want some coffee right now and I'm not strong enough to fight this on my own. Goodness. What have I become?

Monday, October 10, 2016

Admitting My Pride

On October 8th, my cousin got married. She is around my age and although she is a close relative, I'm not really that close to her. When I heard that she was getting married, I was devastated about myself. It seems like everyone around my age are either getting engaged or getting married.

But let me get this straight, I can't see myself to actually settle down with someone right this moment and I can't see it for many more years to come. Still, I have this sense of jealousy or envy when I heard friends or relatives around my age getting married and such.

Why though?

I don't know why. Probably I'm jealous that they're more adulty than I am. Probably because they found love so quickly when I'm still so confused about my emotions right now. Probably because they're entering a new phase of their lives and that makes them better than me for some reasons.

Honestly, I don't know. But all I knew was, I was in no mood on attending any weddings last week but since it's "family", I had to go.

When I was at the church during the wedding, I felt an overwhelming presence of God. I was in the midst of wallowing in my sadness and self-pity, but God told me to look up at them when they were exchanging vows.

For a second, my heart was caught on them. It was a beautiful moment.

Then it strucked me on how I was behaving few days before the wedding. I didn't even think for one moment to be happy for my cousin and instead I made it all about me. I was envious and there was only one reason for that.

Pride.

I've been too caught up in my pride that I wouldn't even take a moment to think about someone else. Although I may not be that close with her, she's a family blood. She needs the support and she deserves the celebration.

Everytime something good happens to someone, I'm really quick on being envy. Honestly, I have been struggling with pride almost all my life. I want to be the best in everything. I love getting all the praises and when I see someone being better than me, I get depressed.

God showed me how ugly that was and I thank Him for showing me that eventhough it was like a slap from God...but I needed that slap.

So, from that, I am now starting to see the good in people and how special each indiviual is in their own way instead of seeing them as a competition. It gives me peace.

Seriously, God is so good to me. Sometimes, I don't think I deserve Him when I look at how awful I am but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that He's working in my life and not letting me astray. He NEVER, not even once, failed me.

...


Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, -Philippians 2:3

Monday, October 03, 2016

Over The Edge

I knew grasping on something too much is toxic
I wanted to let go, but it felt good
It made me feel strong and stable
I thought I could take over the world

The hope that I saw glimmering is now fading
I have been waiting and waiting
But it felt like we were still in the same spot
And it is probably like this in 10 years to come

Should I stay?
Should I leave?
Or should I make a move?

Is my heart strong enough for the risks I'm taking?
Or perhaps staying silent is the wiser choice right now?

I cannot decide 

But honestly,
I feel like giving up.

Because emotional roller-coaster
makes me fall flat on the floor,
Vomitting all the tears and pain out,
Only which there will be no end.


Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Obsessed On Looking Good



Just gonna do a rant today because it's been bugging me for weeks now and I have the tendency to get everything out of my chest instead of keeping it in- whether you care or not. I mean, whatever.
     So, I've been seeing a lot of my friends obsessing on looking pretty and perfect. Not gonna lie, I do too. But then it got me thinking though, why do we do this? How long are we going to let this affect us?
     I could go on and on about what matters most is what is on the inside and inner beauty is more valuable and all that stuff but forget about it for a minute. Let's be real here, we are visual creatures. Whatever is pleasing to look at captures our attention is it not? It's O-KAY to have an effort on looking good once in a while.
     What bugs me the most though is when people are trying to look like let's say, Kylie Jenner and they are starting to lose their identity. Now I'm not saying that having inspirations on your style is bad. I do too. It's just that it makes a lot of people frustrated to not being able to achieve that "standard look" they have set in their minds.
     We all have different features. Not all of us are blessed enough to do plastic surgeries like the Hollywood stars. This is not me telling you to forget about your looks and just be yourself. You know that phrase? The one where people say, "Be yourself. Your looks doesn't matter,"? Well I completely disagree with that because you know why? Because it's like saying, "You can't do anything about how ugly you are anyway." Trust me, saying that to someone is never going to make them feel any better. What I am saying to you though is work with what you have.
     So what did I mean by working with what you have? Well, wear clothes that flatters your body, do your hair that flatters your face shape and whatever works with your features that are different from the others. I know a lot of you probably think, "Well easy for you to say, you're pretty." Trust me I have some insecurities too. I have terrible acne on my forehead which led me on cutting my bangs. I have sparse eyebrows and I have to draw on them whenever I go out. I have small boobs and a very skinny body so I wear shirts that are slightly bigger than my size to cover it. I have a small butt and it looks better on dresses instead of jeans which is why I wear dresses a lot. I have a round face and a small chin so I let my hair down most of the time because it frames my face perfectly. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you.
     I am sure you get the picture by now and understand what I meant by working with what you have. I really do not believe that anybody is ugly out there. It's just the way you present yourself. Despite my insecurities though, I've learned to love how I look like now and gives me so much challenge on styling myself every day.
     However, at the end of the day people are gonna wanna be with someone that has amazing personality. You can choose to be this Instagram girl that has over 4000 likes on a selfie or the average looking person that walks in a room with this spark and just lights up the room. The one that people cannot stop talking about your positive vibe and would never get enough of you even after you leave the room. I've seen people like that on Twitter that gave me such a huge positive impact from their vibe without even looking like supermodel. It's somehing I hold dear to my heart.

I'm not telling you what you should and shouldn't do but I hope when you're stressing out about how you look like, you would know where you actually put your self-worth. ♡

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Online Friendship

God is so good to me. He planned everything so perfectly to the last detail until I get to know so many amazing people on Twitter. It was just a click of a recommended video on Youtube and then next thing I know, I'm in a fanbase who doesn't feel like a fanbase but like a family. But most importantly, I met my best friend there. Her name is Melanie. She's like the little sister I've never had but always wanted. Gosh, I don't even know where to begin to describe how amazing she is. Do you know that cliché best friends in chick flicks? Yeah I never believed that. I felt like it wasn't real because I never felt that kind of connection to anyone. However, knowing Mel, I know how that feels now. We're like one. Like...like soulmates. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. The best part is, we couldn't stop talking about how awesome God is in our lives. We prayed together, shared verses together and hold each other accountable. I love her. I love her so much. People don't really see how our friendship really is because all they see is me and her roasting each other on Twitter. 😂 I enjoyed it though. We have similar sense of humor and none of us gets offended by our playful bantering. All I want is to meet her. I need it. My soul is aching for not being able to meet her since she literally lives on the other side of the world. I wanna meet her. Also, Chris too. He's like a really great guy and I'm so upset that I didn't get to talk to him more and get to know him on a deeper level. I know he's busy most of the time that's why I'm not bothering him that much. We talked on Snapchat call once before and we agreed on doing it again. It was supposed to be last week but he's at his friend's house and the wifi was super slow so we didn't get to call. I was super upset about this whole distance thing. I really am upset. And I pray and pray that God would bring me there. It's all I want right now. I'm so done crying in the middle of the night longing for those days. God crafted our friendships beaitifully and I want to believe that this whole distance thing would not be forever.

Emotional Healing

I used to be so cynical. Maybe because I was hurt a lot that I started to see boys all the same. Even the ones who claimed to trust God were capable on doing things that I didn't expect them to do. I kept my guards up. Falling on someone again was not something that I would see myself doing ever again. 
Well that was a while ago. I'm 21 now and as time goes by, I could feel myself healing again. I get attracted to guys again and my heart caught on someone. I'm not saying that I'm ready to jump off the single bandwagon in an instant. I mean, if it happens, it happens. I'm trusting God and His plans for me right now. All I'm saying is, I could feel myself healing again and I can now enjoy the gift of attraction that God has given me again instead of scoffing at guys or other people who are in a relationship. 
Love is beautiful and I forgot the beauty of it when I was bitter and heartbrokened. Not gonna lie, when I first felt it after a very long time, I was terrified. I hated myself for falling again. I was a reserved person. I had full control of myself. When I caught with the feels again, I started to lose grasp of myself and cried because I was horrified of what I was becoming. But I started to understand in time that those feelings were made for human from God Himself. The butterflies, the admiration, the longing... it's okay to feel that way. 
Still, I'm not saying that I am ready to get married this second. NooooO. Not yet. Like I said, I'm just grateful that I started healing again. Everything I'm feeling and everything I'm going through right now, I would bring it in my prayers and let God guide me through these things. Above all, He is still my first love and always will.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Distance

Copyright © All Rights Reserved

by Susan R. Tombung


The sun is showing hints of its arrival,
It peaks through my bedroom window,
I open my eyes and it is the start of my day,
but almost the end of yours.

Here we are standing on this earth,
Under the same enthralling Moon,
Same blazing Sun,
and same glimmering stars.

What a shame it is,
to never see the same sight,
When we look up in the sky,

Funny how we are so far apart,
Yet so close in hearts,
Shared laughters and tears,
And hopes and fears.

How I long for that day,
When we breathe the same air,
When I get lost in your eyes,
When I feel your embrace,
And our hearts beat in sync.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Why I Suck At Relationships


Wow how fast did you click my post just now? What? You don't believe I could be really bad in relationships? Oh you seriously have no idea. I can't wait to tell you reasons why every guy on the planet should be running away from me. Let's go, peeps.

Reason #1
Independence

Isn't it sweet when couples lean on each other for comfort and affection? Of course it is... for like 5 minutes! I seriously cannot stand this. We are our own individuals, you got that? I don't want you to "need" me. I don't want you to stop functioning because of me. As an independent person, hearing these stuff can be really suffocating for me. I'm the kind of person who goes to the restroom without my group of girl friends. I'm the kind of person who talks to the teacher by myself without asking someone to do it for me. I've been doing these things alone since like forever and if you can't do anything alone for yourself and will be constantly needing me to be with you, I'm sorry you're not my boyfriend anymore. YOU'RE MY FRIGGIN SIAMESE TWIN.

Reason #2
Obligations

Okay, when you're a couple you know you have these somewhat obligations to act as a boyfriend/girlfriend like sending good morning texts or good night texts. I am so bad at keepin up with that you have no idea. I am a really bad texter you have no idea but this isn't the topic. We're talking about how bad I am in relationships. Oh and don't even get me started on the 3 a.m. phone calls. I find it soooooo annoying. Yeah, people love that. You might think it's cute and romantic but guess what, I LOVE SLEEP. When I was in school, sleep was super important to me because I have to wake up at 5 a.m. to get ready since my school bus would get to my house at 6 a.m. You know what happened this one time? This guy called me at 3 a.m. I didn't answer and he kept calling for three times. Turns out he just wanted to say he loved me.
... Dude knows I'm a light sleeper and I couldn't fall back asleep until 4..ish. So what happened? Yeah I got heavy eyebags to school because I just lost an hour of my precious sleep. I couldn't focus on school too because apparently, I WAS TOO TIRED. OH MY GOSH I- urgghhh. I'm sorry but it's so annoying when you wake me up for nothing during my sleeping hours. "I love you" can wait the next day you jerk.

Reason #3
Unromantic

I honestly think that I am the most unromantic girl on the planet. You know, I have no problem saying how much I love cats, how much I love burgers and fries, how much I love my girl friends, my art, singing and so on but guess one thing that it's hard for me to say love to? That's right. My significant other. I'm sorry if I have a crush on you or we're dating because I'd get full-on insulting mode when I really really like you. Maybe you think it's cute that I do all these teasings with the guy I like but no. It really is a problem because sometimes it gets out of control and my words could actually offend someone. I'm sorry. I don't normally drop the L-bomb just like that. It would take me such a long time to say it to you. I really hope that the guy I like would not be offended when I repeatedly say "I hate you" in order to hide how much I like him.

Reason #4
Insecurities

Real talk though but this is what I think cripples me the most. Insecurities. I can never be in a relationship without wondering why does a person is actually interested in me. Which is weird, because I generally think that I'm a fun person with a great personality that looks kinda decent on occasion. But when a guy shows interests in me I really can't understand why. Maybe because I have trust issues with guys... or something else? I can't quite figure it out. But yeah, I will look at the guy constantly wondering if he still likes me or not even though he probably still is. Like, I need somewhat of a constant reassurance and when I don't get that, I tend to push someone away thinking that it's for the best. I will stop being the one who texts first because I think that I'm just bothering him. I will always question his replies, analyzing his responses, pushing for answers and constantly seeking clarification on every corner. This is like a huge problem that I have and I don't know how to stop.

Reason #5
Emotions

I know being in love is fun and sweet and overall just magic everywhere but as a reserved person, I hate that I can't control my composure. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm smiling like an idiot everywhere I go, I'm doodling his name in my diary and I think it's stupid. Gosh I hate it. I'm basically a smart person, but I tend to be a complete idiot when I'm around the guy I like and I would do anything for these things to stop happening to me. I don't like these emotions that is out of my control. No matter how much we think that we have full control of our lives, these things happen to the best of us. Emotions are scary 😭


So those are the five things I think that explains why I suck at relationships. Maybe you know me in real life or through my social medias and think, "This girl is cute and funny. I should date her." Nuh-uh. I'm telling you boy. Run for your life because I am not what you thought I was. I'm saving you the trouble of having a nightmare so you can thank me for that. 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Christina Grimmie's Heartbreaking Death


It was yesterday afternoon when I finished my chores at home and I decided to scroll on my Twitter feed when I saw #PrayForChristina was the number one worldwide topic trending. Almost all my friends were tweeting about the hashtag. So of course, out of curiosity, I checked what it was all about. To my utter disbelief, I found out that it was about Christina Grimmie. She was currently at the hospital with very critical condition. It was a tragedy. She was shot by an unknown man at her concert and the man commited suicide after Christina's brother tackled him to the ground. I was scrolling through my Twitter feed and I was so heartbrokened that someone would do that to her. I prayed to God that she would pull through. I was scared.

Leaving Twitter for a bit, still praying for her, hoping I would hear some good news after I came back. But what did I come back to? A new topic trending.

"#RIPChristinaGrimmie"

No. This can't be.

I spent hours and hours crying. I was in denial. Still am actually. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she actually died. It was all so sudden. This was the girl I looked up to when I first found out about her on YouTube. I fell in love with her voice and down to earth personality. She made it to The Voice and above all, still glorifying God. Her cover of Owl City's "In Christ Alone" is still my favorite to this day.

It raises so many questions. Why? What kind of a sick person does that? Who was he? What did she do to him? Why did she have to go so early? For goodness sake, she was only a year older than me!!!!

I've never felt this sad on a celebrity's death. I don't know why. I don't even know her personally. But why? Why does this affect me so much? Why am I so emotional? I cried like a lot. My heart is in so much grief.

Everytime I scrolled through my Twitter timeline, all I saw were tweets about her. People sharing videos of her last performance, her old videos, singing and laughing, while I bawled my eyes out.

How I wish all of these were just a joke. How I wish someone would say that it wasn't true and we can all breathe.

I wish...

But no. It isn't. She really is gone.

I found out about what happened before her death and it's quite comforting to know. It was tweeted by @rileymcdonough on Twitter where he said,

"Something that's comforting to know is that some of my family actually prayed with Christina before the incident occured,"

followed by another of his tweet that says,

"The prayer concluded with "God is good" and she responded "all the time","

She now will forever rest in the fields of the Lord. She's home now.

I kept listening to Christina's "In Christ Alone" cover and there was this part that strucked something in me.

"No guilt in life,
No fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me."

This is so important and inspiring in so many ways. God really is good. All the time.

Even while mourning in her death, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in many ways. He kept reminding me that every day is a blessing and every second of my life is a chance for me to glorify God. Death is certain but I'm never gonna know how or when will I go. However, I can choose to live my life doing what God wants me to do. His plan is bigger than mine because when it's finally my time, I don't wanna have regrets and failures when I stand before my Heavenly Father.

Remember, where you will spend your eternity is only a breath away.

RIP, Christina. There will be no more pain and sorrow for you. I will always remember June 11th, 2016.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Stare At It Until It Becomes Ugly

Once I saw a screenshot picture of a post in Tumblr shared on Facebook. It says, "What do you do with your art?" And then someone answered, "Stare at it until it becomes ugly."
It got me so good because as an artist, I can relate. It's funny because it's true! I do that with some of my artwork. Not all. Some of them, I really am proud of. So, yeah. I tend to stare at them for a period of time until it started to look ugly in my eyes. 
The question is, why does that happen?

So, as I thought about it for quite some time, I think it's because I was too focused on the flaws. If you look something long enough to realize all the flaws on it, your first view of that thing would change completely and it will always become ugly to you.

You see, this is our mentality to how we view ourselves most of the time. Have you ever looked at the mirror so long that you started to realize all the things you lack in your appearance? 

"Ew, look at my pimples,"
"I'm so skinny, I have no muscle,"
"I wish my teeth are not all crooked,"
"I need to lose more weight,"

I could go on and on. But why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do we focus on all of our flaws until we believe that we are ugly? Guys, step aside from the mirror and sit down.

You know what I learned in college about art? That one thing I remember the most? My lecturer, Mr. Zaidi, said that no matter how incredible and amazing your artwork is but you can't even explain the basic principles and elements of art in your work, you fail as an artist. It's the content that matters the most. I'm sure you've seen a simple painting that costs more than your house. It's because the painting has a very strong components of art.

Guys, you are worth it. No matter what you look like, what matters most is who you are as a person. Sure, being good-looking is great but you don't wanna leave this earth as just the "pretty one". Be the valuable legendary Mona Lisa that leaves a mark in this world where people still talk about it for generations to come. Don't be that piece of artwork that artists do where they don't even know how to present their own work for the viewers. You want to be the piece of artwork where the artist says, "I chose the red and orange on this side because the warm colour gave such a bright contrast to the blue and purple as cold colours." Not the artist that fumbles in their words and says, "Because it looks so cool."

Know your uniqueness. Everyone is different but that doesn't mean one is better than the other.

 This is "The Starry Night" painting by Vincent Van Gogh.

This is the "Les Demoiselles d'Avignon" painting by Pablo Picasso.

These are two different paintings from different movements and each of them has their own strokes and character. Van Gogh's work is from the Post-Impressionism movement and he uses swirly brush strokes and vivid colours as the identity of his work to convey his emotions.
Picasso's painting here is from the Cubism movement and this one is characterized in the Analytic Cubism where he focuses on using geometric angles, lines and shape to create a two-dimensional appearance in a more neutral colour palette.

Each of this painting has their own character and uniqueness. One cannot be the other one. Ever. No matter how hard they will try. But in the end, both of them are valuable abd special to the eyes of the viewers. Art is subjective. There is no pretty or ugly because there will always gonna be someone who appreciates them.

Own yourself. Be the best version of yourself you could ever be! God created you just as you are and no matter how much you want to be the other person because the person is way more good-looking than you, you can't! Remember, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Chin up, dear. Stop staring at yourself until you become ugly and focus more on who you are as a person because that person seems awesome!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

That One Time I Made My Teacher Pissed Off

When I was in secondary school, which basically the same as high school for other countries, we had this new substitute teacher that nobody really likes and she was the one in our class during our exam. I distinctly remember that it was our paper for Moral Education when this happened. The exam started and she was explaining something to one of my classmates about the paper but she didn't lower her voice. So the clock was ticking and I couldn't concentrate on my paper when she talked and it got me on my last nerve and I just went, "SHHHHH!" She snapped and she turned around to face the entire class, screamed, while I sat there pretending that it wasn't me. I was so terrified but my friends were holding back themselves from laughing. Some gave me a look of utter shock but with a sense of approval.
During recess, students from other classes came up to me to ask if it was true. I realized that the story spread so fast. I was trying to explain that it slipped from my tongue and I didn't mean to make her angry. They didn't care and people were saying she deserved it.

Friday, January 08, 2016

Welcome 2016?


I should have started my blog this year by telling you guys how excited I am for 2016 or saying corny stuff like, "New year, new me," or "Welcome 2016, be nice to me." First of all, being the "new you," can be started anytime you like. You don't have to wait for the 1st of January to be a better person. Second of all, you cannot just hope for the best that 2016 is going to be good to you. You work for it. You have the choices to make your own path and choose to be wiser and happier. Also, don't forget about the, "I went to the toilet in 2015 and comes out in 2016," kind of joke. How many times do I have to roll my eyes before that kind of jokes end? 

But that's the way people rejoices in New Year am I right? Yeah, I wish I can feel that too. Not that I'm not grateful that I'm still alive and get to be in 2016 though, I just feel like this time it's not gonna be the same for me. Big changes are about to happen. I passed my diploma in flying colours and 2015 was truly an amazing year for me. But now, what am I going to do? I had a chat with my sister that had helped me financially through college and long-story-short, I may not be able to continue my degree this year. As much as I want to, I know that it's not a good time right this moment. Seeing the financial crisis and my mother's health condition, I don't want to add anymore burden. Besides, my mother needs help around this house and she really needed extra hands for our 1 and a month year old Golden Retriever named Rocky who is now recovering from a minor surgery on removing a small tumor. 

I'm working as a freelance artist now and I have a lot of orders for drawing portraits and such. It goes very well for and cash are flowing in. One time there was this person who were willing to pay me RM100 for a wedding photo! And that was only A4 size! 
But as an artist, it gets tiring and harder day by day. You may be talented as you think you are but your drawing gets crappy if your passion is not present. Instead of feeling like you're doing what you love, it turned into a task. I don't think I can handle anymore tasks until fatigue kicks in like I did in college. Making money is hard, I know that. That's why I'm scared. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I never had a real job because I'm afraid. I have issues. Still, my university loans need to be paid back so I guess I have to push myself?

At least before this, I know what to do. I was in college. I was told what to do and I did everything well. Yeah maybe I got stumbled in some situations that got me in trouble but overall, I think I did pretty well.

There was one plan I have thought of, by the way. During our annual dinner for our faculty, Mr. Zaki said something to me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. He said that I have a great potential to go far. Not just in Malaysia. He encouraged me to continue overseas and start making connections from that moment on. Mr. Vincent added on how he agreed with Mr. Zaki.
You see, Mr. Zaki and Mr. Vincent was the Graphic Design lecturers. I, however is a Fine Art student. I don't think we had a bond whatsoever. Maybe with Mr. Vincent because he taught us Typography but not Mr. Zaki. The fact that he was able to see my potential and abilities convinced me that all of that should not go to waste. Which is why I'm thinking of applying for a university abroad and try to apply a scholarship. I know Miss Syida would be pissed at this desicion and Miss Julie would be disappointed for me to leave UiTM but I need to do this. Tessa is in New Zealand. Midori is in UK. I want to study abroad too. I know my abilities and I know what I'm capable of.

I'm still so scared though. 2016 is the change for everything for me. 

Well, God. I guess I'm growing up.

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Extroverted Introvert


I just want to rant about this issue here because it bugs me so much that people around me still don't get it. People are born either with the trait of being an extrovert or an introvert. Extroverts are outgoing and finds pleasure in socializing while the introverts enjoy being quiet and spending time being alone. There's nothing wrong when you were born with one of these traits. What's wrong is when you say that one is better than the other. 

I'm mainly an introvert. That's why I do blog instead of vlog. Words are pouring out through writing and I sometimes able to inspire people here but once talking in front of a camera, my throat tightens and I got choked on my words. 

However, being in college made me realize that I'm actually an "extroverted introvert". This refers to an introvert who trained themselves to be an extrovert yet still finding themselves drained after socializing the whole day. I enjoy being alone and I don't care locking myself in my hostel room for days during the holidays because I find peace when it's quiet and being alone. One time, two of my friends and I were stuck in our room with no plans at all for three days I think, and already they were groaning and saying how bored they were. See, I'm not like that. When I don't have plans, and not going anywhere, I hope nothing comes up so I can just stay in instead of going out. I can read books, surfing the internet, drawing or watch some movies. But as annoying as it is, you gotta start socializing in college somehow. As a matter of fact, I'm really good at making friends and socializing. I'm great at it. It's  just maintaining the friendship would be the problem. If I socialize with people, I feel like I put up a lot of effort and it's exhausting. Which is why, I need to recharge at the end of the day by being myself. If not, I'd get grumpy or even depressed. When I was in school, I have no problem dealing with this because at the end of the day, I can just go home without being bothered by anyone. But in college, even classes are done for the day, you still see your friends since you're basically living in the campus anyway. Plus, roommates who won't shut up for one second is super annoying. I confused my friends a lot because in class, I'm perky, loud and joyful but once we have free time, I always avoided going out with them because I don't know when else can I get my own free time to be alone considering our very tight schedule. You guys go release your stress at the mall, I release my stress by locking myself in my room.
Still, my batteries drained so fast sometimes that I don't have the mood to talk to anyone even before class ended. Especially when I have to go through small talk that doesn't make me feel connected. When you can have deep meaningful talks to me, that would be rejuvenating. I love my friends but I really want them to stop telling me to cheer up in class and ask me what's wrong when I'm quiet. It's okay, you don't have to try to make me laugh. Let me recharge and I'll be okay. Though, recharging with people around you would be tough.

Some grown ups have problem realizing introverts too. I never liked it when not being involved with activities is equalized to being self-centered or not caring to expose myself to the world. Nu-uh. I know a lot of the world more than you think you know I do. I read. I surf the internet. You don't know the knowledge I have that helps me to get through this world. And as what you call being self-centered. I am not because I know people and I know when something's wrong with my friends. Just because I don't talk sometimes, don't forget that us, introverts, are a keen observer. Maybe you roll in your life by constantly socializing and it gives you satisfaction, and believe me, I think it's great, but you do not get to ridicule me for not being like you.

I apologize for the angry tone that I used in this post. It's just this pent up rage that has been going on for my whole life and writing is somewhat a therapy to me. I don't even know if you're still reading to this point but if you do, thank you. And please, let me know in the comments if you're a regular reader. It would be great to know that people still read my blog.

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