Friday, January 08, 2016

Welcome 2016?


I should have started my blog this year by telling you guys how excited I am for 2016 or saying corny stuff like, "New year, new me," or "Welcome 2016, be nice to me." First of all, being the "new you," can be started anytime you like. You don't have to wait for the 1st of January to be a better person. Second of all, you cannot just hope for the best that 2016 is going to be good to you. You work for it. You have the choices to make your own path and choose to be wiser and happier. Also, don't forget about the, "I went to the toilet in 2015 and comes out in 2016," kind of joke. How many times do I have to roll my eyes before that kind of jokes end? 

But that's the way people rejoices in New Year am I right? Yeah, I wish I can feel that too. Not that I'm not grateful that I'm still alive and get to be in 2016 though, I just feel like this time it's not gonna be the same for me. Big changes are about to happen. I passed my diploma in flying colours and 2015 was truly an amazing year for me. But now, what am I going to do? I had a chat with my sister that had helped me financially through college and long-story-short, I may not be able to continue my degree this year. As much as I want to, I know that it's not a good time right this moment. Seeing the financial crisis and my mother's health condition, I don't want to add anymore burden. Besides, my mother needs help around this house and she really needed extra hands for our 1 and a month year old Golden Retriever named Rocky who is now recovering from a minor surgery on removing a small tumor. 

I'm working as a freelance artist now and I have a lot of orders for drawing portraits and such. It goes very well for and cash are flowing in. One time there was this person who were willing to pay me RM100 for a wedding photo! And that was only A4 size! 
But as an artist, it gets tiring and harder day by day. You may be talented as you think you are but your drawing gets crappy if your passion is not present. Instead of feeling like you're doing what you love, it turned into a task. I don't think I can handle anymore tasks until fatigue kicks in like I did in college. Making money is hard, I know that. That's why I'm scared. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I never had a real job because I'm afraid. I have issues. Still, my university loans need to be paid back so I guess I have to push myself?

At least before this, I know what to do. I was in college. I was told what to do and I did everything well. Yeah maybe I got stumbled in some situations that got me in trouble but overall, I think I did pretty well.

There was one plan I have thought of, by the way. During our annual dinner for our faculty, Mr. Zaki said something to me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. He said that I have a great potential to go far. Not just in Malaysia. He encouraged me to continue overseas and start making connections from that moment on. Mr. Vincent added on how he agreed with Mr. Zaki.
You see, Mr. Zaki and Mr. Vincent was the Graphic Design lecturers. I, however is a Fine Art student. I don't think we had a bond whatsoever. Maybe with Mr. Vincent because he taught us Typography but not Mr. Zaki. The fact that he was able to see my potential and abilities convinced me that all of that should not go to waste. Which is why I'm thinking of applying for a university abroad and try to apply a scholarship. I know Miss Syida would be pissed at this desicion and Miss Julie would be disappointed for me to leave UiTM but I need to do this. Tessa is in New Zealand. Midori is in UK. I want to study abroad too. I know my abilities and I know what I'm capable of.

I'm still so scared though. 2016 is the change for everything for me. 

Well, God. I guess I'm growing up.

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Extroverted Introvert


I just want to rant about this issue here because it bugs me so much that people around me still don't get it. People are born either with the trait of being an extrovert or an introvert. Extroverts are outgoing and finds pleasure in socializing while the introverts enjoy being quiet and spending time being alone. There's nothing wrong when you were born with one of these traits. What's wrong is when you say that one is better than the other. 

I'm mainly an introvert. That's why I do blog instead of vlog. Words are pouring out through writing and I sometimes able to inspire people here but once talking in front of a camera, my throat tightens and I got choked on my words. 

However, being in college made me realize that I'm actually an "extroverted introvert". This refers to an introvert who trained themselves to be an extrovert yet still finding themselves drained after socializing the whole day. I enjoy being alone and I don't care locking myself in my hostel room for days during the holidays because I find peace when it's quiet and being alone. One time, two of my friends and I were stuck in our room with no plans at all for three days I think, and already they were groaning and saying how bored they were. See, I'm not like that. When I don't have plans, and not going anywhere, I hope nothing comes up so I can just stay in instead of going out. I can read books, surfing the internet, drawing or watch some movies. But as annoying as it is, you gotta start socializing in college somehow. As a matter of fact, I'm really good at making friends and socializing. I'm great at it. It's  just maintaining the friendship would be the problem. If I socialize with people, I feel like I put up a lot of effort and it's exhausting. Which is why, I need to recharge at the end of the day by being myself. If not, I'd get grumpy or even depressed. When I was in school, I have no problem dealing with this because at the end of the day, I can just go home without being bothered by anyone. But in college, even classes are done for the day, you still see your friends since you're basically living in the campus anyway. Plus, roommates who won't shut up for one second is super annoying. I confused my friends a lot because in class, I'm perky, loud and joyful but once we have free time, I always avoided going out with them because I don't know when else can I get my own free time to be alone considering our very tight schedule. You guys go release your stress at the mall, I release my stress by locking myself in my room.
Still, my batteries drained so fast sometimes that I don't have the mood to talk to anyone even before class ended. Especially when I have to go through small talk that doesn't make me feel connected. When you can have deep meaningful talks to me, that would be rejuvenating. I love my friends but I really want them to stop telling me to cheer up in class and ask me what's wrong when I'm quiet. It's okay, you don't have to try to make me laugh. Let me recharge and I'll be okay. Though, recharging with people around you would be tough.

Some grown ups have problem realizing introverts too. I never liked it when not being involved with activities is equalized to being self-centered or not caring to expose myself to the world. Nu-uh. I know a lot of the world more than you think you know I do. I read. I surf the internet. You don't know the knowledge I have that helps me to get through this world. And as what you call being self-centered. I am not because I know people and I know when something's wrong with my friends. Just because I don't talk sometimes, don't forget that us, introverts, are a keen observer. Maybe you roll in your life by constantly socializing and it gives you satisfaction, and believe me, I think it's great, but you do not get to ridicule me for not being like you.

I apologize for the angry tone that I used in this post. It's just this pent up rage that has been going on for my whole life and writing is somewhat a therapy to me. I don't even know if you're still reading to this point but if you do, thank you. And please, let me know in the comments if you're a regular reader. It would be great to know that people still read my blog.

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