Friday, October 28, 2016

Why Don't We Talk About Sex?

This is something I have never openly talked about but I feel like some of the most unspoken things are the most important ones to discuss about. If I feel like I have something that needed to be said, I shall not keep it to myself.

Sexual desires.

      It can be so quick to make someone feel so dirty, nasty and shameful whether it is because you are secretly having strong desires on someone, or because of a certain addiction to pleasure yourself physically from browsing the internet, or even accidentally acted on it with someone. 
All the results from having sexual desires can make someone filled with so much guilt and shame. This could even lead to self-loathing.

Lust is one of the strongest temptations there is. You are not the only one struggling, trust me. Society told us that only men are struggling with this but nobody talks about how women can have the same struggle too. I truly understand why a lot of us would not openly talk about this. I know why it is frowned upon. However, sweeping this topic under the rug and pretending it is not there does not help at all.

One thing I need to say though is that I am deeply saddened how sex is viewed as the work of the devil. It feels like people treating it as the ultimate sin.
We need to stop with saying "Ew," when talking about sex in a mannerly way. Stop with the "freak in the sheets," and "She's an angel that turns into the devil in the bedroom," talks. Do you even realize how offensive it is to God when we assume sexual acts belong to the devil when God was the one who created it?

If we just take a moment to remember how God created sex, it really is a beautiful thing. He intentionally created us with physical longing, intimacy and connection with others. Have you ever wondered why certain parts of our body has different sensitivity than the others? Why did we get such a rush when our knees touched with our crush's? Or how our hearts beat faster when we accidentally touched their hand?

Yes, God specifically did all of that for us. Physical attraction is a gift.

Although, this could be dangerous when we start worshipping the gift. Not the Giver. When we start putting our desires first, we are worshipping our desires on default and leading us to our sinnful ways of living.

Now, I may not be in the perfect place to say these stuff since I have never experienced sex but I personally want to wait 'till marriage. I don't exactly know how it would affect someone having pre-marital sex but when I committed to a guy even without the sexual act can tore me apart when it did not work out, I cannot imagine what would happen to me if I did have sexual relationship back then, where we would be more than just emotionally connected but physically too. I certainly would not be ready to face such heartbreak.

Why was I telling you that? 
I am just saying that if you want to wait 'till marriage, make sure you don't just do it because you have to or because it is a "Christian thing" to do.

A lot of churches avoided talking about sex and all they do is urge teenagers for abstinence and to remain "pure" 'till marriage without telling them why. Doing this would only make the teenagers think that sex is bad and disgusting. Once, I read about  this girl who felt some sort of a victory after remaining pure until her wedding night where she felt awful and disgusted about herself. We don't want that to happen to us.

Those are some of the things I needed to say on this topic. I hope the Holy Spirit lead me right on posting this and helped you in some ways. I encourage you to do more reading on sex and relationship in God. I did some reading, picked up a book or two and it helped me to understand so many things that people usually don't talk about.

Before I end this, I just want it to apologize to anyone that felt like my sharing triggered some awful memories or your sinful insecurities. It was never my intention but remember that you are not alone and God will carry you. <3

Life Updates

I'm trying so hard to keep up with my writing here but seems like life is taking over me. Not complaining though. I don't have anything extravagant to write about for now but I would like to just post up some updates with my life. I want to use my blog as a way to connect myself with people. I want to be personal because it seems like people can't really know me just by my tweets or other social media posts. I mean, I barely even go to my Facebook anymore.

1. Physical
On my previous post, I was talking about my addiction with caffeine. Well, sorry to disappoint but I caved in on the 6th day. I was having withdrawals symptoms because I've been relying to coffee for the longest time. I'm sorry but for now I'm trying to take it on moderation, which seems to work pretty well with my health. I get energized, tired and getting my rest with just the right amount. So, it's all good. My body still jerks sometimes when I sleep though I don't know why.
Aside from that, I've been sick a few times and Meniere's disease(I'll talk about this on another post) was acting up from time to time which was not helping with my days' productivity.

2. Emotional
I've never openly talked about this but I have been struggling with depression for so long. I mean, it's not really all the time though but there comes a time I feel so rejected and worthless and feeling like my world is collapsing while being wide awake at 3 a.m. I've never really checked if it's a clinical depression or not so I don't really know why I'm like this but I know part of this is because of the devil's lies to me. However, for now I'm really really happy. I haven't felt this happy for such a long time. I know some of my close friends are praying for me and I know it's because God is working through my cries to Him. This is such a beautiful time with my heart being so content right now. There were some ups and downs these past few days but with all of my struggles, I tried working it out and stop believing to the devil's lies, even if it was so easy to fall again. I know I screwed up a lot of times but the fact that the Almighty God still trying to help me up, I just... I can't even put it into words.

3. Productivity
Oh my gosh these past couple of months were such a creative time for me I've been creating a lot of art, getting portrait orders, developing my ukulele skills, writing, singing... I love it! Although, all of the work needed to get done in one go, I managed to pull through the stress and challenges. One customer wanted me to start over the drawing I did where I put all of my effort in two days because it wasn't good enough. I mean, yeah I was down and I cried on my bed for like 30 minutes but I shrugged it off and started it again because crying won't solve anything. It was a proud moment for me. Oh! I also got my first portrait order from USA. It was from Sarah Tuttle, my friend I knew from Twitter. That was the first time I got an order from outside the country and I'm so happy my talent is appreciated from people so far away! 
Still, I wish I kinda get to do more creative things for the past couple of months though. I didn't even complete the 31 days of #inktober. I have to challenge myself more for the next few months.

Sarah's lil bro, Thad
Sarah and Thad
Inktober from day 13
4. Social
Well, since being at home most of the time I don't meet a lot of people but I'm kinda okay with it, I guess? Most probably because I'm an introvert. I mostly talk to my friends I know through Chris Howard (Pun Diddley on Youtube) and Blimey Cow(also a Youtube channel) on Twitter. I know some of you may be skeptic towards internet friendsips. I used to too but I'm legitimately telling you that I have never met people so far away that could be so close to my heart. So, yeah I'm socializing through Twitter and sometimes on Snapchat too. I don't get to talk to them much nowadays though because I have so much things to do. I miss spending hours with my internet best friend, Mel, just messaging each other. But we made a pact to start being serious about our lives now. 

Those are pretty much all of the things happening with me now. I hope from these updates, you get to follow me more on my life. Congratulations for reading 'till this part. I don't know if you like reading but I know it's a long post. Some may prefer watching youtube videos but I'm more comfortable on expressing my thoughts through writing. Although, I'm kinda interested on starting a youtube channel but probably not anytime soon. I need to work more on my confidence and charisma.

Friday, October 14, 2016

My Coffee Addiction

This is my third day of me not consuming any caffeine because I realized that coffee has been affecting my health lately. I got constantly tired and even though my body wanted me to sleep, I got irritated by the littlest noise. My body flinched every 10 minutes when sleeping at night and I never felt fully rested after waking up no matter how long I slept. I became lazier than ever and hated myself for napping the whole day. The last straw was when my head was throbbing so much during the day and I knew I needed to stop.

I was too addicted with coffee that I drank 2-3 cups a day. Sometimes, 4. I'm not just saying this, I really was addicted with coffee. Still is probaby... sort of. The first day I started to stop, I was in agony. My body was literally shaking because it was craving so hard for coffee but I fought it because I don't want to get sick again. The second day, I was still craving for coffee but I could feel that my health was improving. I almost lost my battle though since my mother was serving coffee in the evening but I settled for orange juice and some tea after that. They weren't the same but at least it was something. It's the third day now and I feel so much better but I really miss the smell of coffee and the taste of it oh gosh. However, since I stopped drinking coffee, I feel more energized than ever. Happier, even! I was productive and even though I took a nap, I didn't feel that tired as always after waking up. I sleep better a night and it's awesome! I might still be drinking coffee though but probably only on the weekend. I don't think I can completely stop.

I need all the encouragement I can get because I reaaaaaally want some coffee right now and I'm not strong enough to fight this on my own. Goodness. What have I become?

Monday, October 10, 2016

Admitting My Pride

On October 8th, my cousin got married. She is around my age and although she is a close relative, I'm not really that close to her. When I heard that she was getting married, I was devastated about myself. It seems like everyone around my age are either getting engaged or getting married.

But let me get this straight, I can't see myself to actually settle down with someone right this moment and I can't see it for many more years to come. Still, I have this sense of jealousy or envy when I heard friends or relatives around my age getting married and such.

Why though?

I don't know why. Probably I'm jealous that they're more adulty than I am. Probably because they found love so quickly when I'm still so confused about my emotions right now. Probably because they're entering a new phase of their lives and that makes them better than me for some reasons.

Honestly, I don't know. But all I knew was, I was in no mood on attending any weddings last week but since it's "family", I had to go.

When I was at the church during the wedding, I felt an overwhelming presence of God. I was in the midst of wallowing in my sadness and self-pity, but God told me to look up at them when they were exchanging vows.

For a second, my heart was caught on them. It was a beautiful moment.

Then it strucked me on how I was behaving few days before the wedding. I didn't even think for one moment to be happy for my cousin and instead I made it all about me. I was envious and there was only one reason for that.


I've been too caught up in my pride that I wouldn't even take a moment to think about someone else. Although I may not be that close with her, she's a family blood. She needs the support and she deserves the celebration.

Everytime something good happens to someone, I'm really quick on being envy. Honestly, I have been struggling with pride almost all my life. I want to be the best in everything. I love getting all the praises and when I see someone being better than me, I get depressed.

God showed me how ugly that was and I thank Him for showing me that eventhough it was like a slap from God...but I needed that slap.

So, from that, I am now starting to see the good in people and how special each indiviual is in their own way instead of seeing them as a competition. It gives me peace.

Seriously, God is so good to me. Sometimes, I don't think I deserve Him when I look at how awful I am but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that He's working in my life and not letting me astray. He NEVER, not even once, failed me.


Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, -Philippians 2:3

Monday, October 03, 2016

Over The Edge

I knew grasping on something too much is toxic
I wanted to let go, but it felt good
It made me feel strong and stable
I thought I could take over the world

The hope that I saw glimmering is now fading
I have been waiting and waiting
But it felt like we were still in the same spot
And it is probably like this in 10 years to come

Should I stay?
Should I leave?
Or should I make a move?

Is my heart strong enough for the risks I'm taking?
Or perhaps staying silent is the wiser choice right now?

I cannot decide 

But honestly,
I feel like giving up.

Because emotional roller-coaster
makes me fall flat on the floor,
Vomitting all the tears and pain out,
Only which there will be no end.

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