Monday, October 10, 2016

Admitting My Pride

On October 8th, my cousin got married. She is around my age and although she is a close relative, I'm not really that close to her. When I heard that she was getting married, I was devastated about myself. It seems like everyone around my age are either getting engaged or getting married.

But let me get this straight, I can't see myself to actually settle down with someone right this moment and I can't see it for many more years to come. Still, I have this sense of jealousy or envy when I heard friends or relatives around my age getting married and such.

Why though?

I don't know why. Probably I'm jealous that they're more adulty than I am. Probably because they found love so quickly when I'm still so confused about my emotions right now. Probably because they're entering a new phase of their lives and that makes them better than me for some reasons.

Honestly, I don't know. But all I knew was, I was in no mood on attending any weddings last week but since it's "family", I had to go.

When I was at the church during the wedding, I felt an overwhelming presence of God. I was in the midst of wallowing in my sadness and self-pity, but God told me to look up at them when they were exchanging vows.

For a second, my heart was caught on them. It was a beautiful moment.

Then it strucked me on how I was behaving few days before the wedding. I didn't even think for one moment to be happy for my cousin and instead I made it all about me. I was envious and there was only one reason for that.

Pride.

I've been too caught up in my pride that I wouldn't even take a moment to think about someone else. Although I may not be that close with her, she's a family blood. She needs the support and she deserves the celebration.

Everytime something good happens to someone, I'm really quick on being envy. Honestly, I have been struggling with pride almost all my life. I want to be the best in everything. I love getting all the praises and when I see someone being better than me, I get depressed.

God showed me how ugly that was and I thank Him for showing me that eventhough it was like a slap from God...but I needed that slap.

So, from that, I am now starting to see the good in people and how special each indiviual is in their own way instead of seeing them as a competition. It gives me peace.

Seriously, God is so good to me. Sometimes, I don't think I deserve Him when I look at how awful I am but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that He's working in my life and not letting me astray. He NEVER, not even once, failed me.

...


Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, -Philippians 2:3

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