Thursday, November 17, 2016

Dealing With People Who Made Me Angry

I've been struggling with how to deal with people around me so many times in my life. It's like every second is stressful for me which leads to my emotional health getting worse. I've had this with authorities in my life, collegues, friends or even family. There is always going to be people who mistreat you and make you angry.

Now I don't hate these people but sometimes people that you love can hurt you the most whether on what they say to you or what they do to you. I tried to stand up and speak for myself but it always ended up for me to get blown up in anger or I got treated like I was giving "attitude" or "talking back".

So I don't do it anymore. Instead, I just hold it in until I get super depressed.

It's unbelievable how much injustice that are going on in my life and I have no idea when it's gonna end. It hurts so much when I see people who are surrounded with love and compassion knowing I could have that. I deserve that too.

After so much struggle dealing with this, God spoke to me. He made me realize that this is a golden opportunity for me to be a light in the dark and as a child of God, this is something that I'm called to do. As He was showing me these things, I understand now how I am not responsible for what they do to me but I certainly am responsible on how I respond to them.

The issue wasn't about them being right or wrong. It's about whether my responses were right or wrong.

People don't have the power to make me bitter, angry and resentful enough to justify ungodly responses on my part.
Only with God's grace I can overcome evil with good through a wise and humble spirit.

So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. -Romans 14:12

Back From Graduation!

I should have posted here as soon as I got home from my graduation at Sarawak. I am so sorry. Honestly, I'm kinda bad at keeping my blog updated but I promise you, I'm trying as hard as I can.

I flew back here on the morning of Nov 9th. I was kinda sick along the trip so I was glad to get bacl home and just rest however long I wanted and that was one of the reasons I didn't get to update my blog.

       the trip was actually not that bad as I thought it would be. Two nights before my flight, I was filled with so much anxiety. I couldn't sleep well and wanted to cry for no reason... which was weird because I HAD NO IDEA WHY. I was probably just overthinking stuff that I was sure that things would somehow go wrong. I mean, graduation is another big step in my life I had to take. I didn't want it to go wrong. Gosh, I hate feelings.

However, with prayers and encouragement from my internet friend, Mel, I got through it. Some uneasy things did happen though like me being sick with food poisoning and vomitting in the bathroom at 5 am and some family bickering but hey, a lot of interesting things happened too!
Besides, I get to meet my old friends again and it was a lot of fun. Things are going so great with their lives and I am so proud of them. Still, I started to compate their lives to mine again. Sigh. Why do I always do that?

(Left to right) Farhana, me, Hazirah, Azizi

(Left to right) Me, Lyana, Farhana, Hazirah

(Left to right) Shyrul, Hazirah, me, Farhana, Azizi
There are way too many photos and I can't post them all here. I you're friends with me on Facebook, you'd probably already seen them anyway.

So, on the day of my graduation, I met my former lecturers again! It was so overwhelming how they were truly so proud of me. Mr. Zaidi and Mr. Razif called me right after the graduation just for a selfie with me. Like, thsy instantly turned towards me and I wasn't even near them! 
Oh and other than that, Miss Julie and Miss Syida offically met my parents for the first time. The two people who raised me and the two people that pulled me through during college. It was a big moment for me when they were shaking hands.

Before I left, I had a little talk with Miss Syida about what's my next plan gonna be. I was scared when she brought it up but turns out she was super sweet about it. She told me that she saw my portrait business updates on Facebook and she was proud of me. She kept assuring me that it doesn't matter that I haven't continued studying right now as long as I don't plan on stopping. She even told me that she would always be available when I need to come to her for consultation or just needed some questions answered.

Miss Syida and I <3
Oh okay now I'm tearing up again  
(Quick, Susan! End this with something funny!)

Oh by the way, the day before my graduation, when I was heading back to my rented dorm room, I saw my freaking ex (which I haven't seen for more than a year) casually eating at the cafe so I sprinted the other way and accidentally crashed with my friend, Lyana, and that is thw story of how Lyana's teeth mark was on my collarbone for the next few days.

Ok I don't know how to end this so here's more pictures. Enjoy.

With Mom and Dad

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

About Graduating and What's on My Future

Maintaining a blog and posting stuff daily isn't as easy as it may seem but I'm gonna try my best to do it. Sometimes, I go back through my old posts and see how much I progressed in my life as an individual and looking back how much God pulled me through my struggles makes me feel so good and grateful. I'm blessed on all the good and the bad that brought me to this point of my life.
I'm doing this for my past, present and future self. 
Plus, if there's even one person reading my blog and it moves you in some way, I want to keep doing it. For you. If my life could be a good testimony and able to bring glory to God, then umm, yes please!

Anyhoo, a lot of things have been going on lately and I don't know where to start. Well, in less than two days, I'm gonna be flying to Sarawak for my college graduation and I am having so many mixed feelings about it. I am thrilled don't get me wrong but I'm nervous about a lot of stuff too. However, I think flying there early would maybe give me sometime to adjust and for mental preparation.
The thing is, everyone already furthered their studies throughout this year except me and a couple of others. I'm still at home still figuring out if I wanna further this or not. I know it's my choice but my lecturers are gonna come to me when I get there and ask me what I have been doing after I got out of college and ask if I'm gonna get back to studying again and darn it, it's gonna put a whole lot of pressure on me. Don't even get me started when they start talking about how I was the legendary best student but still can't figure out her life or won't get back on studying. That's what I have to deal throughout college. People assume that I have everything figured out because apparently I was "the best" student who apparently couldn't afford to make mistakes.

The reason I'm still not sure if I'm gonna further my studies in Fine Art is because it's so expensive and I literally almost died from exhaustion. Doing art for life needs finance and mental stability. When I was at college, I got in and out of the clinics and hospital multiple times because committing my life in art was taking a toll on my health. I don't know if I can do that all over again.

But here, at home, doing art and getting paid, I love it. Although sometimes I'm struggling to get customers so I don't know if I can do this job forever. So basically, I have no idea what to do with my life.

I'm gonna be graduation on the 7th and it's gonna be awesome but...
I hate how I'm gonna filled with this worry and anxiety for my future after I get back home. Yeah I graduated but what next?

I prayed about all of these and I trust God with my life. I feel like God is telling me to wait.
I don't what for but I feel like He's telling me to wait.
I know God is able to do things that are beyond my expectations...I mean He always did.

But what should I do? I don't want to just sit around worrying.

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