Monday, October 09, 2017

Single Vs. In A Relationship

Photo by Lauren Mackler

You know what's worse than annoying cheesy couples on social medias?
People who complain about being single every 5 minutes.
I tried to avoid talking about this since it's "easy for me to say because I'm in a relationship" but you know what? I'm not going to sit around and let people tell to shut up just because of our differences in situations.
I get it. I was single before. I know how it feels like. You know what else I know? The fact that a person can be stubborn on actually listening to any sort of advice at all. Why? Because they've already listened to everything. They are already fed up with the "You would meet someone one day," "Enjoy in your singleness," and also the famous "God is saving someone special for you."
It doesn't matter. Whatever you say will make them roll their eyes even harder anyway. All they want is to have a significant other right this second. I get it.
But it totally comes to a point where it gets annoying to see these people in their bitterness and self pity.
I just want to clarify that the occasional joke with the "forever alone" meme can be pretty funny sometimes. I did that too back then. This post I'm doing right now isn't about these people. I'm talking about the people who are constantly feeling bitter with the world because they're single. It's hard to find joy in them in all those desperation that I get so annoyed whenever I see their tweets on my Twitter feed. At times they even throw in some stuff about how it's better to be single anyway because they don't need someone to make them whole like all those people that are in a relationship. I literally saw a tweet like that earlier today I'm not even kidding.
First of all, whether you're single or in a relationship, no one is superior than the other. Second of all, if you have that "I don't need someone to make me whole" attitude in the first place, you wouldn't have been so bitter about being single. Just saying.
Look, all I'm saying is I do understand about wanting to be in a relationship but it becomes a problem when your life only revolves around that one thing only. I have experience with that situation and ended up with someone nice only for the sake of being in a relationship. Don't make it an idol. It's not fair for the person you're gonna end up with when they found out you were desperate for them just because you couldn't stand being single.
There really is more to life than just being in a relationship and I wish I can get through to people about this. Heck, you may be a happier person than the ones who are in a relationship right now. However, whether I say it or not, it all starts with people's attitude towards it anyway.

Friday, October 06, 2017

A Paranormal Encounter

Val and me!
This happened a while back. I don't remember exactly when but it was sometime during college.

Our class had a dance practice for our upcoming performance. We decided to use our art studio at night. My dorm mates/classmates, Farhanah and Hazirah were running late to the studio so we were rushing all the way. Note that it was 7pm..ish and it was already dark so we had to pass a few classes to walk to the art studio all the way from our dorms. It took us like 15 minutes to walk. 

We reached this building where classes usually go on but everything was empty and dark since there were no night classes. The only lights we had were the lights along the hallway that goes on to our art studios block. We were fast walking and rushing till we saw our friend, Val, at the end of the hall. We were all saying hi to her in our girly high-pitched voices and told her to wait up.

It was dark but we could definitely tell straightaway that it was her from the faint hint of lights on her figure and the way she stood.
She, of course turned around and look at us when we called her. She seem like she was rushing too and ran off after she saw us.
We ran to the end of the hall trying to catch up with her but ended up not seeing her anywhere.

Farhana, Hazirah and I were joking around about how rude she was and not caring about us anymore. We also were wondering how Val could ran to the studio so fast.
We got to the studio from that hallway after about 4-5 minutes and we saw Val sitting around in the studio while the others practiced their dance routines.
"Hey! How did you run so fast?" I said to her. She turned to me and stared at me when Farhana and Hazirah came up to her and jokingly told her how rude she was from what just happened.

Val was completely confused. "I got here in the studio for awhile now," she told us. "Stop playing, Val," hoping she was actually joking around. Shyrul, another of our classmate overheard us and told us that Val had been there for like an hour.
We told them that we saw her, wearing EXACTLY what she was wearing. A black shirt and jeans.
But it was true. Everyone was saying that she was already there for a while. 

We found out that the Val we saw,
was actually not her.

People here believe that if you see someone you know at one place while the actual person is at another place, you shouldn't let the person know or it's gonna be a bad omen to the person.
Although I may not believe that myself, I prayed for her before going to bed that night and I reminded her to pray too since she was turning pale from what we told her. 
She ended up okay though!

But man, the fact that we were actually talking to that ... whatever it was...
Gosh I don't even know what to feel about that.

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Shy Is Annoying [Rant]


Some of you already feel attacked with this title but you know what? I don't care. I'm going to talk about it anyway.
I am so exhausted of people getting away with things by using "shy" as an excuse. They don't talk to people, they stay away from being in an activity and they don't even want to try to contribute.
Forgive me if I sound angry but if you have to deal with annoying "shy" people for years, you would get fed up with it too.
Before I continue, I want to say that being shy itself is not the problem. It becomes a problem when you act shy all the time
It becomes a problem when everyone is called to pitch in an idea for a new project but you stayed out of it.
It becomes a problem when you see a person being adored on stage knowing that you can be 10× better but accepting the fact that you're never gonna be able to do that anyway.
It becomes a problem when you would rather lock yourself in your room and choosing not to interact with your friends.
It becomes a problem when you don't laugh at jokes, giving one word answers and just not giving any sign of effort.
That's not cute or quirky. That's annoying. You acting shy all the time is annoying.

The answers I'm always getting when I need explanations from people like this?

"I'm not confident like you."
"You have to understand I'm not an extrovert."
"I'm shy. That's just who I am."

Well you know what else you are? Boring.
Just because you're shy or an introvert or whatever you're labelling yourself, that doesn't mean you can't be the opposite of what you are for just 5 minutes.

I've met a lot of charismatic and confident introverts, including me! When I was a kid I never talked to any of my teachers. I sat at the back of the class and never wanted to raise my hand on anything. 
Something clicked in my mind when my dad got angry with us in the family for always being scared to do anything.
He said a popular Malay phrase which translates to, "If you're shy to ask for directions, you're always going to be lost." (Malu bertanya, sesat jalan)
He was right. 
I lost all great opportunities in my life because I was shy. I regretted that.

I'm not saying that you HAVE to change who you are. I'm an introvert and I can carry a conversation well but I'm not always naturally like that. Just because you're an introvert, doesn't mean you can't cultivate the skills of an extrovert when you're needed in a situation and actually enjoy it! You can go back to being an introvert for the rest of the day if you want.
Life is not all about extroversion/introversion. It's not as black and white as people told you it is. Just be whatever you want to be when the situation needs you to be.

Like I said, being shy is okay but the fact that you acting shy all the time and not wanting to do anything about it is bad for you.
It's bad for your life, for your socializing and bad for your character to show how diverse and interesting you are.

I'm so tired of shy people complaining about how nobody cares about them when they don't want to do anything about themselves to begin with.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Meeting Up With Sasha!


I've been friends with Sasha since high school. I've never actually got to be that close to her because a lot of people disliked her in school back then so the group of friends that I used to hang a lot wasn't a fan of me talking to her that much. I thought she was pretty cool and I still talked to her anyway in class but never got the chance to be as close. She was pretty cool with me as well and we had a lot of things in common actually like having a crush on Chris Evans and living in America one day haha. Good times.

I think the reasons why people disliked her was because she can be a diva sometimes and she speaks English so people thought she was showing off. She was also very competitive in school and fought to be the best in everything. I was kind of inspired by her. Heck, I wanted to speak in English too. I was so tired to speak in Malay all the time. I mean, what's so wrong about wanting to be the best right? Well I have differences with her too but she's pretty dang cool.

(Sasha and I during high school lol)
We didn't get to talk anymore after we got out of school. We moved on with our own lives.

We then actually started talking through Whatsapp again after a few years and I don't know how but we kinda just started getting really close! We met a few times again last year and I hung out with her again yesterday! It's amazing how I've gotten so close to her even though we separated on our own ways after high school.

She's one of the people who still stick around in my life and I'm glad the we always get to talk even though just through texts. She's amazing, sweet and caring. She paid for literally everything yesterday like oh my gosh I felt so spoiled. I had a great time with her 😭❤


Saturday, September 30, 2017

10th Post Of the Month

I did it. I actually get to do 10 blog posts this month. I set a goal and I actually did it.
I am so proud of myself! 😭 What I did is not just about getting my monthly resolution achieved but it showed me that when I put my mind to something, I can actually do it. This is something that is really valuable to me and it motivates me with what I do in my every day life. If I put my mind to get more money next month then I'm gonna go get it. If I put my mind to be more hardworking then I can absolutely do it too. 
It's the last day of September right now and it is the night that my goal is achieved. I hope future me will go back to this post and remember how awesome I am and will always be.

So now, another resolution for next month.
I'll keep going for 10 blog posts per month but with more pictures. I realized I've been slacking on putting pictures on my posts because I just wanted to post and leave. Well, now I want to go for quantity but also quality. 
And also I'm gonna work super hard to earn more money than usual.

It's 40 minutes to October now. I'll be praying that it's gonna be a better month for me.🍁

Why Am I In A Long Distance Relationship?

If you've been following my blog for a while now, you probably already know that I'm in a long distance relationship with my amazing boyfriend, Chris Howard. (hi babe!)
      I get asked a lot on why I chose to be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Well to answer that, I don't think anybody wants to go for a LDR as a choice to begin with. LDR may happened because of so many reasons. In my case, I happened to stumble across a man that I never knew would change my life to this day. Did we jump straight into a relationship though? No, we didn't. I found out that Chris actually thought I was pretty back then but he was being careful and not trying to pursue me because he thought nothing realistically could happen between us because of distance. 
  I think he was being absolutely reasonable. Of course anyone would hesitate to even think about being in a LDR.
    It turns out, while we were getting to know each other, our feelings never actually faded. We both admitted that we tried not to like the other person since we thought things would never happen anyway.

We couldn't.

In fact, they grew stronger.

    We got together after finally confessing our feelings to each other. We were a mess but we did it anyway. I'm glad we did.
    At the end, it comes to whether or not both of us are willing to commit and finally close the gap one day. LDR is worth it when there's a future for both of us to look forward together.
Has it been easy for us? Definitely not. But is it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Chris is worth every mile between us.

So, would I recommend you to go for a long distance relationship? Well I'm not gonna say yes but I'm not gonna say no either. 
I'm not gonna say yes because I know how hard it is. I don't ever want to see you having to go through what I am going through.
However, I'm also not going to say no because LDR is not an impossible thing when you know someone who is worth all the fights you have to go through.


Friday, September 29, 2017

A Very Bizarre Dream

I woke up from my nap and went straight to my laptop and turned it on. Holy moly, I just woke up from a very strange dream but also very real. I need to write this down immediately.

I was nominated for a beauty pageant but for some reasons I came to the place late and I was a mess. I had no makeup artists and I had no dress to wear. I came to the beauty pageant with 0 preparation. I was wearing my blue dress shirt and shorts. My hair was in a bun and it looked like I slept and woke up in that hair.
So I came and I stood in front of the crowd. Apparently I only had one competitor. She was flawless. She looked like a rich kid with perfect hair and makeup and dress. She made some remarks about me being late and how I looked. I was embarrassed. From her look, she clearly didn't like me. I didn't know how I got in that that situation in the first place. I touched my hair and my bun almost fell off my head.
We didn't do anything at the pageant but to answer a question. We were both given the same question - "What is beauty?"
The girl answered it first. Her answer was all superficial. She went on and on about having designer bags, makeup tips and I don't even remember what she said but she was really prideful of her posessions and how she looked.
And then it was my turn.
I faced the crowd and I saw my friends and my family excited for me. I saw everyone who ever cared for me. I was tearing up.
I immediately knew what my answer was (this is word from word that I remember from my dream)

"You know at first I didn't know what beauty was but then I saw my friends all here supporting me. That is beauty. And I wanna show beauty everyday whether I'm pretty or not."

The crowd stood for me and gave me such a huge applause. I was then given a crown because apparently I won. The thing was, the crown was crooked and looked ugly. They gave the ugly crown in my hand and I slowly put it on my messy bun that almost came undone. The second I put that crown on my head, sparks flew everywhere like how you see in fairytale movies. There was a wind that blew my hair out and turned it into beautiful curls. I was spinning around and my shirt and shorts turned into a big pink floral pattern dress and I could even feel it slowly wrapping around my body. I even remember thinking that the dress had very good quality fabric. I looked and I had a beautiful crown.

That was my dream. There could be some kind of a lesson there but I don't know yet. I'm glad I chose to write this all down as soon as I woke up from my nap. I don't want to forget this.
I haven't told a lot of people about this but I have very weird dreams from time to time and it felt so much like there's a hidden message behind it. Maybe God talks to me through dreams? I don't know.

I might be putting my old dreams on here soon. I have some dreams like yeaaaaars ago that I still don't know the meaning of it. Maybe you can help? Hopefully

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Dear Future, Susan

Dear future Susan,
I know you're sad and disappointed with yourself. Sometimes things don't go the way you want it to but please do not beat yourself up for it. People mess up but it's not going to be forever. Giving up? Well that can be forever if you choose that path.
You are not a failure. You have done so much in your life. This is me from your past being proud of yourself for the things you have done for people. You know Sasha your friend? You helped her through her breakup. She said she loves you and you're very important to her. Think about all the people that you helped and encouraged along the way. They look up to you. Look how selfless you are. Keep being selfless.You are so important to so many people. If you feel like the world is against you in so many ways, it's not gonna be forever. You're not strong? Look around you. Everyone is ready to help you. Don't you dare say that they don't care because I am seeing it now how they would do anything to make you feel better. You know why? Because seeing you sad breaks their heart. Please don't bottle things up to yourself. You know how damaging it is right? You tried before. Yeah it never works. Talk to the people who are already around you. People who care about you.
Future Susan, remember how God always answered your prayers? He will answer your prayers right now too. All your pain, anxiety and fear will be carried by the Lord. The devil will do anything to say all these bad things about yourself in your mind and at times, it can be pretty convincing but right now you need to rebuke it in Jesus' name. You and I know that it's not true. It never has been.
If you think you're never gonna be happy again, think about the times you thought the same waaay back and here I am feeling content and happy. You know I went through crap too but I am still standing here with a smile on my face.

You got this.❤

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Back From Hiatus

Ok I wasn't really on a hiatus it was just for like a week I went off radar on social medias it wasn't really that long so I don't know if that is still considered as a hiatus but I don't have any ideas for a title of this post okay?
So let me explain.
I was in a pretty rough spot(personal problems) and I had to stay away from social medias for awhile and just talked only to my closest friends while focusing on my commission work. I was stressed and also down so doing my work wasn't really much of a joy to me at the time.
During dinner one night, my brother said he wanted to go to see Philip Mantofa's talk at Penampang. I didn't know who Philip Mantofa was but I found out that he's a pastor from Indonesia who was well known with missing the Air Asia flight that he was supposed to be on that eventually ended in a tragic crash. He was also known from his testimonies about his experience seeing heaven and hell that he shares everywhere he goes. He happened to be in my state during the 15th-16th and me family and I planned to go hear his sermon.
Well, I guess this was something that could take my mind off my problems. Yeah I thought.
The day came and we drove to that place early because we knew that with this event, there's gonna be heavy traffic. Well, we were right though. We drove 2 hours earlier than we were supposed to and we were still stuck in traffic for hours and hours. After our butts cramping from sitting too long in the car, we were almost there.

And then my brother got a text on WhatsApp.
"Betulkah ni???" (Is this true???) his voice in shock.
He showed his phone to us to let us see what it said. Our grandmother died.

My dad called his brother immediately to ask about their mother. My brother turned the car around and head back to our late grandmother's house.

She was our last grandparent.

I don't want to talk too much about it by the way I'm just healing from it.

Anyway, after a pretty rough day at the funeral we went back home where then I got sick. Horribly.
It started of as a step throat until it gradually turned into a high fever.
I haven't had a fever like that for sooooo long. I couldn't sleep well for the night and I was having nightmares. I took a bunch of medicines and the whole night I was praying to God. I don't remember what I said but I clearly remember that I asked God not to let me die. Pretty dramatic, I know. I messaged some of my friends to pray for me and they did. I was crying so much.

The next morning, I felt better. Just like that.
I knew it was God. I'm 100% confident of that I just know it in my gut. I know myself well enough that I would have never felt better that fast.
I wasn't fully healed though I still had to lie down and rest but it felt better.

And now I'm here. All healed -physically and emotionally. Smiling and grateful at life given by God.
I went through a lot but my goodness I feel so much better right now.
I wasn't really strong a few days back to be honest but what made me strong was my friends. Friends who prayed for me, tweeted me encouragements and messaged me to let them know if I needed anything.
They genuinely care about me and I love them so much.
Oh my gosh I'm so blessed why am I crying again

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guards Up, Guards Down

Sometimes I regret letting my guards down. I thought it would be okay anyway so I let myself feel. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and assured myself that it'll be okay and this is a good decision.
It felt freeing.

I felt joy.
I could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
I could love deeply and passionately.
I started to care.

But then things didn't turn out the way that I expect it to.
I felt sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Heartbreak.

And when I let my guards down, those feelings are 10x stronger than I used to feel.

So now I'm asking myself, "Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

All I know is that I am exhausted of getting hurt again and again and again. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be sad. It's painful.

Should I let my guards up again? Should I just numb everything out just so I wouldn't feel anything again?
But then taking away the pain would also be taking away my joy.

So at the end, I don't know what to do. What I do know though is now I remember why I let my guards up in the first place.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Twitter Isn't Necessarily A Waste of Time

I've gotten to know so many different people with different personalities on Twitter and it is truly a blessing. I don't get the chance to actually talk and know them on a deeper level though. I just interacted with them enough to call them as friends.
One thing I need to talk about though is how a lot of them are constantly struggling with depression and anxiety. I've seen their tweets on how they think they're struggling with their self-esteem or just having very hard life. It breaks my heart so much... you know why?

Because they are the most passionate people I've ever seen. The way they talk about the things they love are so inspiring and it's just so pure.
They know the value of friendship and the fact they bring each other up in their brokenness touched me.
The way they talk about their interests and ambitions showed me how much potential they have to go far in life.
The way they make others laugh with their incredible sense of humour tells me how quick their minds work and making me realize how intelligent they are.

But it hurts me.

It hurts me that they don't see that in themselves. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to stop believing the lies that they're not worth it. I don't want them to constantly think less of themselves just because they're on the internet and people out here telling them that it's a waste of time because it's NOT true. They're NOT wasting their time.

Without them on the internet I wouldn't have met the people that I'm holding dear to my heart right now.
Without them on the internet I would have feel so alone when I get depressed and had no one that understands me.

So people out there who make fun of "milennials" being on Twitter can zip their mouth and stop hurting these amazing people. It pisses me off. Just because you're not on Twitter and doing "life", doesn't mean the people on there are lesser than you.

Saturday, September 09, 2017

Friends



I video called with my two best friends last night. Melanie and Grace. I know it's only been a day but I already miss them. Funny how they can literally boost my mood up so quick... The two people that I met on the internet. We kinda talked a little about how it's gonna be when I will finally gonna come to America. Their faces lit up and I got super excited again. 

I've been down for quite some time. I have friends here too like who aren't actually thousands of miles away from me. I tried reaching out to them but I'm only getting like one word responses and then it felt so bland. I'm not even talking about acquaintances. I'm talking about actual close friends. The friends I was super tight with during college or in secondary school. We loved each other.
When I tried to reach them, their replies had 0 enthusiasm. I gotta admit it kinda hurt me a little bit. You know how you feel like you're the only one putting effort to keep the conversation going and then they're just gone when you step back for a while?

Yeah I got confused. I guess people just grow apart sometimes, right? Like, isn't that just a part of life?

It's soooo cliche to say this but internet friends really do treat you better. I've always avoided to say that because it felt like actually dismissing my actual friends in real life. I don't want to lift one group of friends and then degrading the other but honestly... that's literally what I'm feeling.
The other day I checked on my one friend's twitter profile from my old secondary school and I realized that she unfollowed me. I don't know for how long but she did. 

I don't want to dwell on it for too long though. I just have to remember that I can't make people stay in my life if they don't want to. If I were them I wouldn't wanna be forced to stay in someone else's life too when I don't want to.

But here's the positive thing though, I get to recognize who my true friends are now. Who is and isn't worth the fight for. Whether I met them on the internet or in real life, it doesn't matter.
So Mel and Grace, you two are the best and I love you guys.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

New Resolution

So this is like a New Year's resolution but instead of the beginning of the year, I decided to start on September. Yes it's a tad bit late so sue me. I want to start posting more on my blog. I don't want this blog to die since I've been doing this for so long already. I went back to my posts from this year and there aren't even that many of them. I gotta admit it was kinda disappointing. So, from now on I want to have at least 10 posts every month. I'm being realistic though because I know myself too much that I definitely cannot write every single day. I'll settle for 10 for now. I'd probably talk about my day a little and maybe go on a rant about things I want to. I don't know. Let's see about that.

For today I'd probably just share some of what happened today.
Well for one, I shot a cover of one of my most favorite songs, "Hallelujah". I actually reached 100 subscribers on YouTube today! It's crazy though. I've never really been very active in uploading and somehow there are 100 different individuals out there who clicked the subscribed button on my channel. Okay, maybe because I have a popular YouTuber boyfriend so that helped. Either way, I don't deserve all these attention but to show how grateful I am, I thought, what the heck, right? I haven't done a video for a while so might as well give them another video!

(click to watch)
I really am kinda proud of it. I kinda wish I have better production quality though. Heck, I shot that on my Samsung S4 and put the microphone on a stack of books. I don't really invest much on camera gears, lighting and all those stuff though since I don't really see myself doing youtube much. I do find it fun but it's never really my passion, you know? I'll probably do some videos again but I'm not committed to it. I really respect Chris' dedication for his daily vlogs and main channel and all that constant editing oh man. How does he do that?

My passion however goes to my drawings. I spent RM300++ for a drawing tablet because I desperately wanted it. I bought expensive pencil colours, charcoals, high quality papers, etc. It brings me so much happiness. If I have more money I would buy canvas with acrylic or oil paints. Maybe rent a little studio for me.
I'm slowly earning money though. I have few commission work that I have yet to finish. Pretty slow on them at the moment because apparently I'm too inspired to do so many things at once. I do need to get back on them though.

I'm quite busy lately. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out causing me to have mood swings which then caused me to not eat well and on time. I know it's bad especially my gastritis is terrible right now but I'll work on it. I have to.

However, as busy as I was today, I'm really happy for some reasons. I don't know why. I just do. It even rained today and I know it's weird for people but I really love the rain. It feels very cozy and just very peaceful to me... and the smell of the road after the rain.. oh my gosh. I love it I love it I love ittttt.


Saturday, September 02, 2017

Why I Blog

I mean, I don't know what else to say except that I love it. I love writing. I can't really say that I'm good enough that I could publish a book or something though. Although, I probably can. Never really thought much about it to be honest. I've read some pretty bad books though and for some reasons they were successfully published so I may have a good chance here. Oh my gosh don't even get me started on Buzzfeed articles like literally anyone can call themselves a writer now. 

Hold on, what are we talking about again?

Aah that's right. Why I blog.
I hardly get any readers on here. I have very few followers which half of them aren't even active anymore. I could stop blogging at any moment now. The question is, why didn't I?
Well, like I said. I love blogging. I love writing about myself. I love writing about my thoughts. I love sharing my experiences. Writing makes me feel like I'm talking to a friend. Honestly, I didn't start a blog for people. I did it for myself. I could have 0 follower and I would still write.
I'm not saying that I'm not grateful if you happen to read my blog though, whoever you are. I do appreciate you oh my gosh are you kidding me? You're literally reading what's in my mind and heart. You're reading me. This blog... This whole blog is literally me. Thank you for caring so much about me that you follow me this far. 

I don't really know who's reading this right now but one thing I know for sure, future me is going to read this again. I may laugh, cry or cringe at the memories but I will love it. And I know in that moment, I will thank current me for all these memories written down in this blog.

Hey, I guess I'm proud of myself for this! (yes I know what I wrote in my previous post)

I just want to say that whatever you do, whatever you're passionate about, always remember why you started in the first place. I know how you can discouraged when you're not getting enough appreciation but remember that you do what you do because you love it. Remember how passionate you were when you first started and how far you've come. Don't ever let the passion die. 

I believe in you :)

Monday, August 28, 2017

I Don't Know How To Love Myself

There are people out there who would risk their lives for me.
Who would do anything to make me happy,
to make me smile,
laugh,
and see how beautiful I am not only on the outside but also on the inside.

They've repeatedly told me how they appreciate me and how blessed they are to know me.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't believe them but I just wish...
I just wish I can see myself the way they see me.
I don't think I'm a bad person. I mean, I mess up once in a while but I'm generally a good person. I don't hate myself. However, I also don't know how to love myself. Well, technically I do love myself. I mean I take good care of myself, I avoid getting sick as much as I can and feed myself when needed. I also tend to make myself look nice and pretty so those pretty much count as loving myself, right? I guess we all pretty much love ourselves by default in those areas.

But see, I'm not in love with myself.
I have people in my life that actually love me more than I love myself. They look up to me so much. I've heard all the compliments repeatedly. They said I'm talented. They said I'm funny. I'm pretty. Smart.
And I appreciate them I really do. I love them so freaking much.
But I just wish I could feel more than just and "ehh" feeling towards myself when they tell me how amazing I am. Is this how being humble feels like? If it is then wow this sucks. I just want to be proud of myself without having all these struggle.


Monday, August 07, 2017

Why I Don't Talk Much

(warning: there is a lot of rage in this post so brace yourself)

Over the past few days, I started to realize how the same thing that happened to me at school was happening to me again. 
Let me just start from the beginning.
I've made a ton of friends on Twitter and I am so grateful for them but to be honest, I am dead tired of them sometimes. I know how mean that sounds but don't leave yet. There are more to the story. So, my Twitter direct messages (DMs) has always been full. I love hearing stories from people and I've always wanted to be there for them when they need me. They're my friends. They messaged me sharing their life stories and I genuinely got excited for the things that has been happening in their lives. But you know what I hate? It's when it was my turn to do the same to them and they only give short replies.
"Oh great!"
"Wow!"
"Aww!"
While before this I was constantly like, "Oh my gosh that is amazing I'm so proud of you gahhh!!! So how do you feel?? That's insane!"
You thought I was exaggerating, huh? I wish I was. It's just so disappointing to know that people don't really care about what I have to say. I tried thinking that they were genuinely listening to me and my feelings but I literally don't get any replies again after that. Even if I do, all I get is another story about what's been happening to them. I'm not calling out all of my friends there though. I have my best friends that I can trust and make me feel so great whenever I talk to them. The rest of them, not so much. Not only my internet friends though even friends irl that I text from time to time. I am just soooo tired to be in a one way conversation. They told me I'm a great listener. They told me I'm a great friend. But I truly don't feel the same way.

I wish I could say this is the first time to happen to me but no. It has been going on since I was in school. People talk and talk and when it was my turn, people don't pay attention and I get talked over. It upsets me because I know I have an interesting mind but nobody seems to care. Heck it was one of the biggest reasons why I started this blog. I wanted to write about everything. About what's on my mind. About my life. If people want to read it then that's great! But if don't, then they can just leave without talking over me. 

I know why I stopped talking too much about myself to people now. It's because I subconsciously thought that I'm gonna annoy them. I would rant over something and stop talking mid-conversation saying "I'm sorry, I talk too much," which I know I shouldn't sometimes. I know there are people who genuinely find me interesting. Even if they do listen to me, I would feel guilty for talking to long and thanking them for listening to me over and over again even if I don't have to.

I guess what's been happening to me since I was in school damaged something in me. I wish I was more confident about myself, my opinions, my thoughts and my beliefs. To my friends (and boyfriend) who are genuinely there for me to just hear me talk, I appreciate you and I would do the same for you anytime. Although, I'd probably still be a good listener to the people that needs me though but I'd just not talk more about myself I guess.

I needed a place to rant ok. And this is my blog so ya can't stop me bye.


Friday, July 14, 2017

A Girl and Her Bedroom

My sister with her husband and two sons came from South Korea to visit for one and a half week here so I had to give up my bedroom since we have a small house. I slept on the couch. I didn't mind. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they can.
I loved our time spent together. We even went on a trip to Kundasang and visited the places we never get to visit as a family before.

And then they left and it was hard to see them go at the airport. I know that she has her own family and her life needs her to be somewhere else. Still, it's always hard to see them go.

But part of me was just glad that they left.

Now that made me sound like a bad person but just hear me out.

I spent one and a half week being in the living room. I couldn't lie down on my own bed and just take my alone time there since they're using my bedroom. It's not just about being an introvert and recharging. It's just something about my bed that makes me feel safe and I felt that it was taken away from me. When I went to KL earlier this year, which is on the other side of the country, I was stressed out and anxious. I didn't know why. My only thought was to go back home and lie down in my own bed. I knew I'd feel better if I did that but, well, I couldn't.

That's what I felt the whole time my sis and her family was here. Although I love them dearly, I felt myself getting depressed day by day. But of course, I hid it pretty well. I've had practice so...

It may seem silly for you to read this. It was just a bed. Just a bedroom. Big deal.

However, it's more than that to me. It's one of the places that I feel truly safe. It's my happy place. A place for me to rest or for me to be creative. The place where I create stuff and the place for me to just think by myself. No noise. Just peace and quiet.

Over the past one and a half week, I was about to lose mind. I'd get anxious and just dreading the day 'till night where I finally get to have my sleep. Although, it didn't help how my fam always sleep late and I have to wait all of them to go to their room so I'd be alone on the couch.

Do I like the way I am right now? Definitely not. I hope this was never a thing. It would be so easier for me if I've never felt so attached to my bedroom. I'm not even sure it's healthy. As much as I want to convince myself that's it all just in my head, I just can't because once it started in your head, your body starts to shut down as well. My head was throbbing. I felt sluggish. I didn't feel like doing stuff. But I still did because I have to.


Wednesday, June 07, 2017

A Cynical Who Got Into A Relationship

I really don't want to be annoying by talking too much about Chris on my blog but then I thought, "Hey, whose blog is this anyway? Also, do I even have actual readers to complain about me to begin with? ha..ha.. ha?" 
Also, I promise I'm not gonna be too disgustingly sappy on my blog. That's private for the both of us.
I just want to talk about how I grow as a person through this relationship. I've been in relationships before. Obviously failed ones and I was immature back then. Wait hold on, let me start from how I was before I dated Chris.
Awhile back, I've been really cynical with romantic relationships because I thought people my age only want relationships for fun. I've seen it way too many times. They want to get together because it's fun. I'm ashamed to say that it happened to me too. Not that I was against relationships though but I just don't trust people my age to be serious so I thought I'd rather guard myself from these stuff for awhile and focus on improving myself as an individual. Being in a relationship always felt like a burden to me. I love myself too much to want someone to ruin it for me.

'till I met Chris.

I didn't want to be with him just because I craved for a relationship like I always did. I wanted to be with him because of... well... him. And it was a scary thought at first to have a crush again after years of guarding myself up. I'm bad at emotions I hate it. When I first started knowing him a little, that was me trying to feel the water with my feet before completely diving in. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my time yet that God still has a lot of plans for me... but then I thought, what if this is part of His plan? The way we found out about each other was insane... to the last detail of the story.
I don't know where it's gonna go for us but gosh I hope it works out.

I used to think that all the "couples thing" are obligations and I kept telling myself before that when I have a boyfriend, I have to do this, and that and don't be like that or stop doing certain stuff so he's happy with me. That's why I thought relationships are like chores to me.
However, when it comes to Chris, it all comes naturally to me because I don't do all these stuff just because I have to. It's because I want to. I'm ready to sacrifice a lot of stuff to make him happy and I honestly never felt that way with any guy. Ever.

One thing I also like in this relationship is that, he doesn't take away my sense of individuality. Don't get me wrong I care about him so much but I never feel like he's changing me like how I always thought would happen to me whenever I'm in a relationship. We're simultaneously great as individuals who get to do our own thing but also crazy about each other at the same time. I miss him from time to time but I really respect the fact that he's not slacking on life just because of me. 

I'm so grateful to God for him. He's very encouraging and always know what to say whenever I'm in trouble and he's just spoiling me way too much it's insane. 

I want to meet him so bad,

Monday, June 05, 2017

How I Started Dating My Boyfriend

He just ended his livestream and I was trying to figure out if I should message him or not. He just got back from camping with his grandmother and some other people. He told me that he didn't get to take a shower for days because they had no water. "Yeah. He's probably in the shower right now. I should wait to text him," I thought.

...

"Have you taken your shower yet????"

Gosh. I'm so pathetic. Why am I so desperate for his attention?

...and then I got a text back.

"Literally just got out from the shower. Oh my gosh I am a new man!"

I smiled. It's always good to get to hear from him and I was glad I checked up on him.

"I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time..." , he added and then sent a picture of him shaving.

I started smiling again thinking how silly he was. We started texting for a while until I started teasing him again about his old crush that turned him down a while back.

"I get crushes suuper easily," he complained. 

I felt bad about teasing so I tried to lighten up the mood.

"Yeah I can see that. You're a hopeless romantic."

"Why isn't he replying yet?" I thought to myself when it was just a minute of nothing. I thought he was mad at me.
Stupid me I shouldn't have mentioned his old crush!

but then I got a text from him..

"...literally the first time I commented on one of your ig pics. How sad is that?"

I froze. He actually said  that. He admitted of having a crush on me.

"Wait what? Did you have a crush on meeee?"

Yes oh my gosh please say yes I'm gonna make you say it. Say it.. SAY IT.

*Chris Howard is typing...*

okay yes this is it he's gonna say it ahhhhhhh

"Well that was before I knew you spawned from the depths of hell so"

I stared at the screen of my phone for a while. That's it. That's what he said.
I wanted to throw a brick on his face so bad. It's so easy to say it. JUST SAY THAT YOU LIKE ME, STUPID.
Probably because of my pent up frustrations for over a year, I kinda blew up and then I said,

"You know I like you right?"
"Wait as a friend or......?"

Seriously Chris, how dumb can you be?

"Oh my gosh, YOU'RE SO DENSE!"

Crap, was that too harsh though? I should add something else.

"But I don't mind if you don't like me back though. You're so fun to be around."

It was true though. I just wanted him to know that if he doesn't actually like me back, I'm glad to be his friend. It took him awhile to actually respond so I was preparing myself to be rejected by him.

...and then finally a reply.

"So you know the crush I had on you? Yeah it hasn't gone away since we've become actual friends."

He said it.
I could hear the Hallelujah chorus.

...

So, yeah that's a lil bit of the story of how I started dating Chris. It was hilarious on how it started though but I am so happy with him right now. :)

Saturday, May 06, 2017

Get Susan To America

oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gooooooosh
I'm SO EXCITED!!!!! I don't know how to start this post properly sorry I'll try to tone down the excitement hahahahah. Okay so you guys know how I always talk about my online friends here? Oh well if you're new to my blog, you can click here for reference. You can scroll down my blog or whatever and see how much this means to me. And now, I can say that there's a 90% chance of me meeting them I'M CRYING.


Okay let's talk from how it started.
My birthday is approaching soon so at around the end of last month, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to ask God for my birthday. I always do that and the amount of times God gave me exactly what I wanted is incredible. Goodness, I'm not even exaggerating! However, this year I have no idea what I want exactly. Like, I have no idea what material I desire because I honestly am good with everything that I have right now. I don't have much but I'm doing good! So I asked myself again, and I looked into the depth of my heart. What do I want? My heart said one thing and one thing only.

America.

It's true. I've wanted this for so long. I legit cry sometimes at the thought of not meeting them. Man, I must have looked so ugly at night lying in bed being all depressed hahaha. So, yeah I prayed that I want to go to America. I thought it was pretty far-fetched. Me? Going to America? If you live in Malaysia with this kind of economy, you'd think it's insane too. I thought maybe I could just ask God for a new phone. I don't really want a new one tbh but since the prayer isn't that impossible to be answered I thought it would be reasonable to do so.
My heart still longed with my friends in America though.

So a few days after that, I was chatting with Chris who I met through YouTube and Twitter. He's one of my closest online friends too. We decided to set up a time to do a video call because we haven't done it for a while so during our call, we talked a lot about what we would do if we could meet. Oh sorry I mean when we meet. Long story short, we got a little too excited and he ended up going to his computer and look up the price for all the flights. It was a shock to both of us that the price isn't as nearly as expensive as we thought it would! Can you believe we video called 'till 3 am because we were so excited? Holy moly. I mean it was noon at his place because, time zones.


So, the next day Chris, Mel, Grace and me were chatting in our group chat to tell them about the plan and after everyone got so excited, Chris set up a gofundme for everyone to pitch in for my flight tickets. If you're interested to help to donate you can click here.


I just want to take a moment to say how amazing God is and how powerful a prayer can be. I underestimated the power of prayers. I doubted my prayer about going to America and this is where I am right now I. Am. SHOOK!

"The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." -James 5:16b (NIV)

Now if anyone is out there reading this, please help me in prayers that my family would find a way to let me go and that I'd have no problem for my visa application. I want this so so much and I know God planned this friendship beautifully with no intention of not letting us meet each other.

And to everyone out there who lost hope for unanswered prayers, don't give up. I prayed for such a long time to meet them and I know if I keep on praying God will work this out and it will happen. I believe that your prayers will be answered too. Pray boldly! Prayers can literally move a mountain!

Also, before I go please watch this video of Chris talking about the gofundme and how much it would mean to me, him and everyone! <3

(click on the picture to watch it)




Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Thoughts On Transgenderism

Here in Malaysia, we never go much into the issue of transgenderism, which refers to the people who identify themselves as the opposite gender of their biological sex which they were born in. This is mostly because of how religious this country is. Although not all Malaysians share the same belief, almost everyone still feels some kind of discomfort when it comes to transgender. Society has thought us that this is wrong since we can remember. It is very different from the western world here. There are things that are not normalized and not that I am saying that everything should be normalized but I think that this closes the door on actually understanding the root of the problem. I am all about being able to disagree on things but I am certainly not in favour on completely dismissing the issue.
Now when it comes to transgenderism, we tend to only touch on the tip of the iceberg about this issue. It is so easy for us to call names to these people like “Mak Nyah”, “pondan” or “tomboy” and then just move on with our lives. How long are we going to shun them and treat them as outcasts without actually trying to understand about what they are dealing with? I do not mean that we need to stop what we are doing and celebrate these people or calling them heroes which I see some are trying to do here. I am saying that we need to understand what they are going through which is why I chose to write about this issue.
I wanted to talk about this for so long but struggled on deciding if I should because of how controversial this may be but I am just going to say right now that transgenderism is a mental disorder. I am not trying to belittle transgender people it literally is a mental disorder. This disorder is called “gender dysphoria” which is listed in DSM-5, a leading source of academic information about mental disorders. According to Google definition, it is the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex. This is what some referred to as “being trapped in the wrong body”. What I would like to focus on here is the word “dysphoria” which is a feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety and restlessness. It explains that people who have this disorder are really suffering. They can be extremely uncomfortable with their body and hate the way the look in the mirror wishing that they were never born that way. This leads to a high rate of suicide for transgender people which are estimated to be 41%. 
Does calling this as a mental disorder a free pass for us to use as a weapon to attack them? Of course not. Just like depression, social anxiety, claustrophobia or any other mental disorder, it is wrong to use them as a weapon for insulting them but it is also wrong to be hiding this fact out of political correctness. If we keep hiding this just because we do not want to offend some people, it will be a major disservice to people who are actually suffering from this. Calling this a mental disorder is not an insult. It is just a way of classifying things.
Touching on the subject of classifying things, since being a transgender has become a trend and seems to be glorified in this world, there are people starting to claim to be one without being diagnosed with dysphoria. They are not transgender. While people with gender dysphoria hate the way that they look and uncomfortable with their biological body, these people just easily think they are transgender by simply wearing a wig, putting on eyeliners, wearing different clothing style and voila! They are now trans and can demand on public bathroom rights! Some classify them as “transtrender” who just want to be one because of following the trend. I am not saying that I have all the right to classify people as transgender or transtender but it is very demeaning to people who actually suffer from it.
So far there are no known treatments. There are no pills you can take or any other cure. There are some who talk to psychiatrists about their disorder but it never really helps them in the long run. The only treatment that has a little bit of success in this is transitioning which can be faulty at times. It involves hormone treatments or surgical interventions to help the person resemble the opposite sex that they identify with. While some can be happy with it and move on with their lives, some can still have an extremely persistent dysphoria. Some may even have regrets later in life because transitioning has permanently sterilizes them. Transitioning may just be feeding into the disorder but I do understand that they might not be able to do anything else about it.
As a Christian, do I believe that transitioning is right? Well, no I do not. There are a lot of verses in the Bible that do not support living as a transgender. In Deuteronomy 22:5, it says “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.” I firmly believe that cross-gender identification is a concern because it threatens to dishonour the creational order of male and female. However, since there is no known cure for gender dysphoria, we cannot just choose to condemn them but instead, give them the support that they need. We cannot cure them right now but we can create awareness about this disorder instead of trying to normalize or celebrating it and I pray that one day, the world will put aside the political correctness and really find a proper treatment. That is what Christians are called to do. Pray for the brokenness of the fallen world.

Saturday, April 08, 2017

Being Woke Isn't Fun

Over the past couple of months, I've been keeping up to date to every current issue that has been going on with the world. I get so passionate with social and political issues that are not only happening in my country but on others as well. I get worked up most days on writing in my journal doing research after research. I also did some writing that I probably won't publish because most of them are controversial and one article would literally get me thrown in jail here under our government for publishing it.
I really like it. I do. I exceptionally enjoyed the process on educating myself. Still, whenever this happens, I have the tendency of talking non-stop about what I have learned and read. However, I can't talk openly about this without offending people. As an opiniated person, that feeling just majorly sucked. I want to share my thoughts. I want to let people know how deceiving and misleading the medias are. I want to let my friends know what terrible things that are currently happening in this dying world. When I see them, I see my past self - oblivious and practically ignorant to even care about things around the world. I desperately want to change that. But see, I know how annoying it can be for someone to go on and on about politics and other related things as such... and like I said, they are mostly offensive and I would get thrown in jail. Ha. Funny about Malaysia when they go on and on about "free speech" but once you say this one teeny tiny thing, there would be a conniption. Ya just gotta be politically correct to survive then. Man, I hate it.
Sigh. It becomes frustrating after a while. Besides not being able to talk about it, I'm having utter despair on the suffering in the world while not being able to do anything about it. I saw videos of women in the Middle East getting beheaded or stoned to death under their government law. I see people in the western world getting beaten up by simply having a different political opinions. I see Christians getting murdered simply because of their faith. Numerous terror attacks. So much more oh my goodness.
I wept and wept in my room knowing that I can't do anything to help them. The fact that they are is still happening to this day is even frustrating. I live a way more comfortable life than these people. How am I supposed to live normally knowing that these things are happening again and again and again? 

Honestly, I'm already drained from my anger, despair and hatred for evil things that I just wanna block all the medias to give myself a break. 
I tried. I tried just scrolling through when I'm on Twitter and see those things again. Then again, there's always this voice in my head telling me how ignorant I am. That I don't care about the suffering and injustice in the world. That I am letting myself back to being uneducated.
So I caved and read them all again simultaneously feeling all the anger, despair and everything.
It's a vicious cycle.
I don't know how to get myself out from this.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Demons In My Thoughts

Do you really think you deserve to be in a relationship? Come on, even you know that the "independent girl" act you put on is you hiding the fact that you being loved is unimaginable. Yeah, boys look at you as the pretty girl. That's how you always are. The "pretty" girl. The guys you were involved with...who fell for you. They were only there because they noticed how pretty you were... but what are you besides "pretty"? See, even you are too scared when people see you during your bad days. You freaked out over a bad picture because those horrible relationships that you've been made you put your worth on your face alone. What makes you think that the guy you're thinking about will like you back? Even if he does, do you really think he's gonna appreciate you wasting his time with a dysfunctional girl like you? Look at him. He's so nice and wonderful and a gentleman. What if he finds out how broken you are inside? How ugly your thoughts are? 
He deserves someone better. He deserves a happy, joyful girl just like him.
He needs a bright, cheerful yellow in his life.
You're just a dull, ashy grey. 

Stop trying.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Stupid Distance

I've fallen in love with my friends that I've gotten to know through Twitter for the past year. They're amazing and got me through my toughest time. My only hope is to meet them in person and just hang out for real.

The only problem? Distance.
I'm thousands of miles away from them. Literally on the other side of the earth. Sometimes I get angry at the fact that life gives me incredible friends that I hold dear to my heart but I can't even reach them at a stretch of an arm. Like, the heck am I supposed to do with that?

Sure, I can save up some money for a plane ticket but this stupid economy is so annoying. Our currency is dropping so much and it's impossible to fly out anywhere outside this country without getting completely broke. I'm so freaking mAD.

Melanie is my best friend soulmate. I've always been okay with being the lone wolf for the longest time until I met her. She's like the puzzle pieces that fits mine that I didn't even realize was unfinished and I'm completely shook, holy cow.

Grace is the one that I thought was just a sweet person until I got to know her mind and it blew me away on the fact that she's only freaking 16?!? This girl can lecture me and set me straight and I wouldn't even be offended.

Chris. The guy who is so full of happiness and positive vibes that'll turn your frown to a smile. The guy who isn't afraid to embarrass himself just to make you happy. I've never seen someone so full of life and just so passionate about the world. I don't know about you but being in a sucky world, we need someone like him in our lives.

Some of the others that I'm quite close are my lovable, Anna who loves kitties as much as I do and the cutest bean ever. Kristina who shows compassion and wisdom through her friendship. Bri who is a total savage yet a cinammon roll deep inside. Alyssa who acknowledges the little things in her everyday lives that shows through her passion in writing. Joe who will do everything to stop people from talking bad about themselves. Darias, who brings light in his presence that people just embrace his wit and humor.

I could go on and on about how wonderful my internet friends are. I'm sorry if I didn't mention you but trust me, I remember you whenever you interact with me.

A lot of them will be meeting up in August for a con. I'd try not to go online around that time to avoid being depressed😂
But seriously though, I'm really sad to see their posts about planning where to meet and getting ready for where to stay at a hotel. I'm always the odd one out. I don't show how sad I am on Twitter because I don't want to have a pity party but hey nobody reads my blog anyway so I'll just let it all out here.

But hey, I guess we still have social medias to connect to each other. I'm eternally grateful for this one thing.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Thoughts On Valentine's Day

It's not even February yet and people are already talking about Valentine's Day. I gotta be honest, as a hopeless romantic way back then, I was so infatuated with Valentine's. I was the sad girl during Valentine's Day wondering why I didn't have a boyfriend like everybody else. However, for real, this year, I forgot that this was a actually a thing. I forgot that Valentine's Day is getting closer until one of my favorite youtubers mentioned it.
Honestly though, I kind of feel bland about it now. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people celebrating love or anything. I'm not that kind of people that goes, "Ew relationships," , "Ew boys!" I actually find it sweet sometime. I just feel like it's not for me right now.
I love myself. I'm achieving a lot of goals lately and I want to spend more time to discover my talents and abilities more. I'm building up myself so good and I don't feel like messing it up. I'm almost 22 and committing to someone right now will not be a good idea. Not gonna lie, I do have crushes once in a while. I think I still have the same crush with a guy from last year. But to actually commit? I'm gonna have a long prayer with God for that before deciding anything.
See, I know myself. I know exactly what will happen to me when I start to fall in love. I will start to drift away from my goals and I will not stop thinking about that one and only person. Sure I can control my emotions and try to focus more on my responsibilites but it's gonna be so hard. I would also be extra sensitive when I'm in love. It's like, I'm a completely different person! I'm telling you, I will no longer be reserved once I fall in love. Falling in love is a scary scary thing for me. I have enough obstacles in my life I don't need anymore to distract me. Besides, I don't know if I can be a good girlfriend considering I spend time with myself...like, A LOT. A guy left me a while back because I'm always "too busy". Am I too independent? I don't know. I'm happy with myself though.
Either way, Valentine's Day is going to be just like any other day this year I guess.. Also, I feel like I've been rambling for a while now so

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Felt Like Dying

Over the past few days I've been seriously ill. I kept it hidden from my family of course because I don't wanna trouble anyone to drive me to the hospital and spend hours waiting for my turn to be called. I saw the look on their faces before while waiting at the hospital. They were extremely tired and bored but somehow kept it together for me. I really don't like troubling people to be honest. 
Anyway, what happened to me was I became nauseous all the time especially when I wake up and when I eat. I feel like throwing up and I'd rather starve myself than having to endure the nauseous feeling again. It was weird though. It all started from the feeling of uneasiness in my stomach and goes to my throat and I'd feel out of air then get nauseous. It literally tried to reject everything that I ate. I hated it. I thought it would pass eventually but it got worse. 
I started eating less and less and I lost weight. My jeans started slipping down when I wear it without a belt. I woke up in the middle of the night because I was terribly nauseous. This is why I fainted way too many times at home. Just ask my family how often they found me lying on the bathroom floor. Heck, I even broke my tooth when I lost consciousness and fell last year but that's another story. 
So, two days ago I cried in my room because I couldn't take it anymore. Why? Why can't I be healthy like everyone? I just want to live a normal life. But hey, I stopped crying eventually and googled my symptoms. Internet is so useful I gotta say. Besides getting the result that I was pregnant, it also said that I might have indigestion or acid reflux. Basically like the acid in my stomach and my stomach lining that kind of stuff were all wrong. One of the things that triggers this is anxiety. Of course it is. I've been pushing myself way too hard on working lately though so that explains it. There were many things I did that caused this too like drinking water while eating instead of after eating, lying down after eating, not eating on time and so many more. I was thinking of asking my brother to take me to the hospital though but then I found some homemade remedy section. I tried drinking ginger tea and putting my pillow higher at night so the acid don't go up to my esophagus.

It worked. Oh my gosh it actually worked!!! I was so surprised and grateful oh my goodnessssss.

I feel much better now though. Not completely... but I can eat like normal now. Man, I was so starving today I wanted to eat everything since I've been skipping meals a lot these past few days. I still have to be careful though. I need to eat very slowly and not eat a lot all at once so my stomach won't freak out. I also need to stop with the caffeine, cold drinks and acidic food. Well, it's a progress, right? I'm happy and thank God for helping me get through this.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

What If An Author Wrote About Me?

The sun was already high and she's slowly waking up to her alarm that she snoozed for like the tenth time. It has always been like that. She was determined to wake up early the night before, like every other night but to no avail. She couldn't help it though. The night has always been so alive for her. The stars in the night sky speak so many words to her soul. She is just oozing with creativity and she would just drown herself in her art. Every brush stroke she took, every pencil mark on the rough paper, her soul dances with joy. It was her happy place. Those were the moments where she escape the world without actually leaving. She would spend hours and hours doing what she loves at night. Tea on her side, some snacks maybe and listening to some music in her earphones. She wanted to sing out loud and listened to her own incredible voice. Yes, she is fully aware of how good her voice is. Yet, singing at the top of her lungs past midnight would probably not a good idea so she just sang quietly. Bobbed her head up and down to the beat while her messy bun started getting loose where she had to tie them up again and again. She loved every second of it.

She opened her eyes and took a few more minutes lying down before getting out of her bed while planning everything she needed to do on that day. She never wrote her entire day plans out because it made her feel tied down and it was too stressful for her. Most of her daily activities consists of chores and doing commission work. People adore her art so a lot of them paid her for it. Thinking that she just graduated while looking for a job, it was a good thing to do for some side incomes. Next thing she knew, she became a full-time independent artist. Although it might not be all sunshine and rainbows for her doing it, she enjoyed it. She met tough people along the way and so many discouragement thrown at her for not doing what exactly was wanted. One time, she had to start over her full two days of work because it appeared to be "ugly" to her customer. Being a perfectionist that she was, she would hate herself if something does not appear as good as she thought. Although she had to go through some rough times, she appreciated the lesson which eventually made her even patient and stronger not only in business but also in life.

She was still not sure what is in store for her in years to come. She wanted to be a big artist. She wanted to be known for her talent. Yet, the future is unknown and is terrifying. However, something unknown can also be exciting and she hold that thought while enjoying what she have in the present.


Friday, January 06, 2017

How's 2017 For Me So Far


I gotta admit though, when the clock showed that it was 12 at midnight and then it was New Year, I was in the middle of emotional breakdown lol. Something happened but I'd rather not talk about it. Point is, I wasn't really doing the whole New Year countdown thing. I don't know. I guess things would be just the same since I thought time and calendar is just a human construct, isn't it?

Then, something happened. God answered my prayers from last Christmas. I was asking for a Christmas gift that time. I didn't really know what I really wanted so I asked for a job. Man, I really needed a job. So when the year started, I got a job to do a mural painting at a coffee shop, offers to do a book cover design and logo design. Also a few other portrait orders. I was completely shocked. Like...all of these just came at my doorstep? (Although I did turn down the logo design offer though since it was against what I stand for)
I may not have a job like other people but gosh I love doing this. I figured that was an encouragement from God so I promoted my work on Facebook today and I kid you not, my Facebook messenger and WhatsApp were filled with messages non-stop since morning. They were all so quick but wow I love it I love it so much.

God is too good. Too good.

I can say that my year is starting out pretty great. Okay, maybe I was kinda skeptic towards all these new year stuff but hey, it really is an opportunity to start over. It's no harm on trying to be a better you. Sure you can start being better person anytime you want but setting your goals at the beginning of the year is really motivating. Sometime in the future you're gonna wanna look back at this year and say that you did great. Now I'm not saying that it will be the best year ever. This is life. Come on, there's gonna be ups and downs but what makes it great is what you're capable on doing during the tough times. It's not like I'm dropping the responsibilites on 2017 to be a good one to me. I'm just saying that I'll try to do the best that I can. To not repeat the mistakes that I did in any other year before this. I have one big goal this year. I can't say it yet but I'm doing so good at it right now.

Although this means, I'm gonna be talking less and less with my internet friends now. I'm gonna be so busy. Darn it, I just have gotten so dearly close with Mel and Grace now but I barely talked to them since the year started. Mel is on to achieve her goals too. She has so many dreams and passion in her and I will be so proud for her to go far. Grace just signed up for some college classes. She's growing up and being all intelligent and wise. I'm here on the other side of the world ugly sobbing at them like a proud mom seeing her children being all successful. Now Chris, the guy who was the reason we all knew each other, I barely even watched his videos anymore. Barely even joined his live stream anymore. We haven't even done our video chats anymore!!! That makes me sad. I literally don't know aything about his life anymore oh my gosh I'm so emo don't touch me

One day, distance will no longer be a thing between us. I'll make sure of it.

Oh by the way look!





Grace got my drawings that I sent last month hahahaha
Seeing her getting so excited earlier today made me so happy. I still do to be honest.
I was kinda down and anxious this morning and then seeing her blowing up my messages on Twitter made me so happy. Now if the others would just get my letters and art already...grrr what took them so longggg I'm impatient!

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