Thursday, December 07, 2017

Surprising Chris For His Birthday!

It was on the afternoon of December 5th. Chris' timezone was still on the 4th. I made him promise so many times days before to stay up 'till midnight so I could video call him and surprise him so he stayed up
All these while, I haven't had problems talking to him non-stop. I feel super comfortable with him all the time but on that day, my heart raced so much that I almost passed out. I don't know what I was so nervous about. All I had to do was to be pretty and pull out the little slice of cake while video calling at midnight there and light the little candle. Simple thing, but it meant a lot to me.

I don't know how or when it started to happen but making Chris happy has become one of the biggest thing that I've ever wanted to do in this relationship. For the first time in a long time, I found happiness by giving instead of receiving. I've fallen in love.

While he was all excited, I was nervous. I was waiting around half an hour before our supposed video call in my dress and makeup. Just sitting on the chair in my room setting up the place. Little cake and candle on the table, away from his view on the camera. He didn't know what I planned to do.

"Hey gimmie like 20 minutes," -a message came in from him. 
Texted him calmly to take his time while in truth, I was all nervous and fidgeting. It felt like I was waiting for him for an actual date. I mean, I was already dressing fancy and that was the closest proper date I've ever had with him. Was that how it felt like to go on a date? 

I wanted everything to be perfect for him. I know he wouldn't mind if things go wrong but I wanted to do it for him. It's his first birthday where we're actually together and I wanted to create a memory.

After a few minutes, he finally called me and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I knew it was coming but I was still in shock. He just finished brushing his teeth and getting ready to go to bed so he didn't look at his phone at first. When he did, he was very surprised with how I looked. He kept saying I was pretty and butterflies went off in my stomach it's disgusting.

"You're really pretty."
"You said that already."
"Yeah um well it doesn't stop being true."

How on earth did we end up being the cheesy gross couple like goodness we weren't even like that during our usual calls.
I'm telling you, it really felt like a date.

So anyway, midnight came where he was at and I finally took out the cake. His reactions made me so happy and I love making him happy. The rest of what happened was recorded at the end of his vlog so you can watch it if you want. (Click on the picture below to watch!)

So, that's about what happened for his birthday. I know it's gross I feel like barfing even saying it but I have truly fallen in love with this guy.

Opening Up About My Depression

It took me some time to actually come back here and update about how everything is going on with me but I did tell you that if I come back, I'm gonna be all better, didn't I? Here I am! All better!

So over the past weeks, I was in wreck. There is no doubt now that I have depression... which was not fun to discover that, by the way. Before this, I didn't know whether it was a good idea to self-diagnose or not. I didn't want to feel like I claim to have depression but what I went through recently was the hardest I have ever been. The moment I knew I was struggling with it was when I wished I couldn't feel a thing. That's how much in pain I was. I wanted to do anything to get out. I was so darn tired. I knew down moments are here and there in our lives but I knew what I was dealing with was not just a "down moment". I wished I could take pills like prozac. My friend told me it helped her. I wished I could afford a therapist but also at the same time I was scared to open up to a stranger. I was helpless. Drowning. I cried so much for weeks and I realized my mother were quietly observing my eyes because they were swollen from all the midnight crying.

So, why didn't I turn to God? All of you knew here that I'm a Christ follower so you must be wondering why I didn't mention about turning to God.
Well, as a matter of fact, I did. I was just too angry with God that I didn't care to listen to what He wanted to say to me and I convinced myself that something was wrong with me because God doesn't make mistakes, am I right? So it had to be my fault.
God answered my little prayers a lot of times and I am happy with that. It's just that when it comes to bigger things, things that matter so much to me, I didn't hear anything from God. I felt like my prayers were just noises going into the void. I was confused. Angry. Upset.
They say, "God is in control" so when I didn't hear anything from Him, I wanted to take control of my own life. Spoiler alert - it didn't go well. I don't have control. When I found out that I didn't get to go through the final round for the singing competition, I freaked out. I had so many plans ahead when I was "supposed" to win and then when I didn't, I was lost. "God can't help me now. I can't help me now," I thought.

I couldn't pray for myself anymore so after so long keeping it to myself, I finally asked Grace and Mel to pray for me. Even Chris too. I was so afraid to be a bother to them that I only came to them when I was on my breaking point. I mean think about it, when you keep coming to the same people with the same problem over and over and over again, you started to get embarrassed of the fact that you can't hold your life together.

Either way, they helped me in so many ways. I'm so so so grateful. They helped me see that God isn't punishing me and that it was not my fault. My heart was opened to finally come to God again.
I know this is cliche to say but reading the bible and praying consistently could help you in ways you couldn't even imagine. 

My situations aren't changing. I still have no control of my life but I truly know that God is. I can't change my situation but I can change my reactions to it. God gave me peace and joy even though my life isn't the best right now. It's amazing to say that. Past me wouldn't even believe that's possible. 
I'm not saying I'm completely healed. I still have wounds. I still cry like yeah I still have emotions, duh. It's just that, it's very different now. Like, I have peace even when I'm sad.

Some things I have learned though from all these are,
  • It's okay to feel. It's okay to be bitter, upset and sad. Dwell on it if you have to so you can figure stuff out and finally have a closure on your own. It's freeing.
  • Feelings are real but they aren't reality. These are two different things. You can feel that you're worthless. That's a true feeling and important to acknowledge it but you also have to know that it's not a reality. Learn to differentiate the two.
  • Don't hide it. Talk to someone. Anyone you trust. While you think they don't care, they are actually hurting knowing what you're going through.
  • It's also okay to not want to talk to certain people. There are people who are skeptical about depression and they have their right to their opinions but don't let them open up more wounds just the sake of "needing to talk".
  • Dark thoughts can distort your judgement. Let the thoughts out even if you don't want to. Write it. Talk about it. Vent. Do these things 'till everything makes sense.
  • God is not punishing you. It's not your fault.
Writing all these were really hard. It felt like I was living it through all over again but I hope it may help someone out there. Just one person and I'll be grateful for that.
'Till we see again on the next post.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

I'm Not Doing Well Right Now


If you have been following me you probably noticed that I haven't been posting on here a lot lately. I know I said I wanted to do at least 10 posts per month but I've been struggling with some things lately. I didn't feel anything good that happened for me to share here and I tried avoiding sharing my down moments so that's why I couldn't write anything.
However, I feel like I want to talk about it here. Just to let it out y'know?
The past few days had been rough on me. I mean I'm fine on the outside. I have enough food to eat, I have my family and I have a roof above my head and I'm grateful. I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just that, my mental health isn't really great lately. I don't want to say too much about what's going on though so I don't have to be reminded when I go back and read this in 10 years to come.
I've never been clinically diagnosed for my depression and I wanted to but I'm just scared to tell my family about it. They're kinda skeptical about it. Even if I do tell them though and ended up getting told that my depression isn't real because the doctors see that I have a good life, it will mess my head even more.
So at the end, I don't know. Often times I would tell myself that this is normal and it will pass and hey it works for quite some time... but I never let myself to actually dwell on it and figure it out by myself 'till later on it will resurface, hitting me 10 times harder than before.
I've been silently crying for two days in my room now. Last night I couldn't sleep well and woke up at 3 am just to cry. It's painful. My eyes hurt and stings now when I open them. My cheeks are damp from all my tears.
I didn't want to tell Chris at first about it but I realized that I was slowly pushing him away. All those short text replies and "I can't talk right now," excuses... I didn't want to hurt him. Not him... of all people. So I told him. I'm glad I could talk to him about it eventually though after I worked my courage to actually let him know what's going on. I feel a little relieved today. I'm not at my best right now but I'm glad Chris talked to me until things made sense for me.

I hope I'm gonna feel better on my next post. If you happen to read this post 'till this far, please pray for me. I'm really close to disappointment in God but I don't want that

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

I Joined A Singing Competition

Last Friday on Nov 10th, I sang on stage and it was amazing.

As you might already now from my last post, I'm in a singing competition so after my performance from last Friday, I'm going to have to wait 'till the 24th to see if I get through to the final round or not.

I know I'm late but I really want to share my experience from this.
When I signed up for this local singing competition that I heard about, I was excited and I wanted to win so bad. So I practiced a lot. What I realized was, I sound better now than I used to. Way back when I was younger, all I wanted was to sing but I didn't understand my own vocal ability. I didn't know my range and I didn't know my own singing style. I tried so hard to sound like the singers that I listen to. I was rejected a lot of times from school auditions and I didn't understand why. It made me scared to even try anymore but now I understand that I shouldn't. I should just do better than the last time.
I felt like I'm ready now. In the process of practicing, I learned so much about my ability and what to do to sound the best. I learned that warming up my vocals and choosing the right song is very important. I've learned so much and I was so passionate about wanting to unlock more of my potential that I still don't know. I wish I could have a tutor though but so far, I only have YouTube.
I was confident and ready until the day before the performance. We were having a soundcheck day the day before at the place and that's where I listened to the other contestants. I realized I wasn't the only one who knew how to sing. I was scared and nervous. I was too focused on myself that I forgot about the others. I was pretty bummed all the way home on that day. I couldn't sleep that night. I started to become really nervous as the day next day started approaching.

The next day came. It was the day of my performance. I was still kind of bummed but I still did a lot of voice warm ups. I didn't practice much because I thought I already practiced enough and I didn't want to kill my voice that day.
I was really careful on what I ate and drank. No spicy food, oily food or even cold drinks. I was dead serious about not wanting to ruin my voice.That night I arrived early and I saw some of the people that I met before so I sat with them. It felt nice to actually talk to them again and be actual friends instead of only seeing them as a competition. We waited in this room before the show started and there was a karaoke machine there. What do you do when you have a bunch of singers and a karaoke machine in a room? That's right, we were singing. 

It's so funny how I bonded with them so quickly. I was less nervous as I started singing together with them. I loved the feeling. The feeling where I was surrounded with people that share the same passion as me. We were all really happy.

After messing around a little with the karaoke machine, we finally went out to get ready for our performances. Not gonna lie, I was so pumped when I saw the stage. I couldn't wait to sing. I know the others were talented too but I realized literally all of us were talented. We just have different strengths in our voices and different style of singing. I had no problem with that at all and I was glad that everyone was happy with what they do. I was too. I have loved singing since I was little and knowing that other people may be better won't stop my love for it.

It was finally my turn. When I was on stage I was like, "This is my time to shine," in my head. True enough, I wasn't nervous at all! The judges were literally in front of the stage and I felt nothing. All I knew was I had so much fun and those were the best performances I have ever done in my life so far. I don't know how I did but the crowds cheered when I finished and I saw a little smile from one of the judges.

When the night was over, I missed it already. I want to be on stage again and I want to meet my new friends again. They were so lovely. I understand now why the contestants in American Idol cried whenever one of them got eliminated. It was because friendships were built even when it's a competition. I want to do more of these and whenever I saw the opportunity again I'm very sure that I'm gonna grab it.

It's completely fine that I may not get through to the final, even though I'm hoping that I would but I'm already grateful for that night. All in all, I want to give glory to God for always helping me out and listening to my prayers. Shoutout to my friends and family too who constantly prayed for me. My friends knew how stressed and nervous I was days before the competition hahaha but yeah y'all are great. Special thanks to my boyfriend, Chris for encouraging me even though I ignored him the whole day on the day of the competition because I needed focus hahah sorry, babe. Thank you, Mel for telling me to chase my passion. Thank you, Grace for believing in me. And also Sasha, Kristina and Alyssa and so many people in the PDC who prayed for me.

And finally the biggest shoutout to my sister, Nora who sponsored my beautiful dress, makeup and all her energy to drive me back and forth till past midnight. I am very grateful.

What a journey. I can't wait to see more of what God is planning in my life.

Sunday, November 05, 2017

I Realized That I'm Pretty

Since this is the first post of this month, let me just say it. No, I didn't achieve my 10 posts per month for October. However, I wasn't actually disappointed with myself because when I looked back, I did 8 posts without actually feeling like it's a chore to do. I did that because I wanted to. Not that I didn't like doing it before but I finally started to feel like I'm blogging with ease and without pressure now. I didn't even realize I managed to do 8 to be honest. 8 for October. 8 for Oct. Get it? Because Oct means 8 in Latin? I don't know why the tenth month is called October by the way.

Anyhoo, I've had a lot of things going through in my mind lately about how I look. I went out with my family to watch Thor Ragnarok yesterday, which was awesome btw, and I now just realized... I am pretty. Okay that sounded silly but hear me out. It's just the way that people look at me whenever I'm in public. The way guys trying to catcall me wherever I go. I hated getting catcalled but there's a reason how I got their attention. Still not justifying their act because it's disgusting but I can see how people see me differently. I've seen the way people look at me almost all my life. Okay maybe not during my early teens (heavens no) but as I've grown older. They think I'm pretty. I don't want to admit it at first but I think... I think... I'm privileged?

I never liked that word but I can definitely tell that I've had it easier than most people. I can walk in a room and impress everyone by just my appearance. I have nothing to be scared because I can see from people's eyes how pleased they are at my presence. I don't act like Regina George from Mean Girls though where I walk everywhere like I own the place. I can, but I don't want to because deep down, I feel guilty. Guilty for the people around me that doesn't have it as easy as me. Even in college I was teased by my friends and calling me "hot stuff" because I was quite popular among the seniors.

I know looks aren't everything but it's a lie to say that it doesn't do anything. Being pretty does have some advantages to it. A guy lowered a price for a pair of jeans that I bought a while back because he thought I was pretty for goodness sake. Stuff like that happens a lot and I realized that a lot of times, I kinda liked the attention.

However, even though it's fun to be pretty, I chose not to be too dependant on my appearance alone on certain stuff. I people want to be friends with me than I will give them more reasons on why they should be friends with me. If I wanna impress a crowd I have to do more than just stand there and be pretty, that's why I wanted to be witty and funny. I even learned how to carry a good conversation. So yeah, those kinda things, Most of all, I will never ever make someone feel inferior to me by the way I treat them. Some already put me in a pedestal because they think I'm very pretty and talented so I want to break that. I want everyone to feel as confident as I am with themselves like how I feel with myself. I don't want people to get intimidated by me all the time.

I know one day my beauty will leave me and maybe I'd get sad because honestly, I really do love how I look like. Sure, I have some insecurities but I enjoyed being myself. However, at the same time, I don't want my legacy to just be "the pretty girl". I wanna be remembered as more than that and I hope I've been doing good so far.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Singers That Inspired Me

I know I'm mostly known as "the artist" wherever I go. Yeah I guess I am well-known with my talent in art but I do feel very passionate in singing too. I've been singing since I was a kid because for some reasons I loved it so much. I watched singers performed on TV and I remember thinking that I wanted to do that so bad. When I watched Malaysian Idol back then I've always imagined myself as one of the contestants... joining the audition.... getting all four YES'es from the judges 'till I reached the final round. For the longest time I hid my talents a lot though because I was so scared of performing in front of people 'till one day my family forced me to sing at this open karaoke going on at a relative's wedding. It went pretty bad but since then, it made me want to perform more and more. I posted here while back where I performed at a college's dinner event. I sang "Hero" by one of my biggest inspirations, Mariah Carey.

I do think I am talented but not skilled and experienced enough. I've never actually had singing classes except the one time in secondary school when I was in choir. 
I'm the girl who sings in my bedroom with my bluetooth microphone while imagining herself being on stage. Singing while trying to imitate her favorite singers that inspired her so much in her life.

I want to sing like Christina Aguilera. I want the soul and emotions that she brings whenever she sings a powerful ballad. I want to not only hold her notes likes she does but also feel all of them in my heart and soul. I want to make people cry like how she did when she sang "Hurt" or "Beautiful" or "The Voice Within" or so many of her songs that I could go on and on and on.

I want to sing like the legendary Whitney Houston from back then. I want a heartfelt first note that comes out of my mouth when I sing like how she sang "I Will Always Love You". I want a voice that shakes an entire audience in awe. I want the effortless vibrato that she held while carrying those hard high notes and how she swept everyone away. 

I want to sing like Mariah Carey from back in the days. I want to look like her on stage, just standing and not even have to dance to give an incredible performance. I want to make everyone stand on their feet by just my voice. I want her low notes, her high notes. I want her amazing head whistle and falsetto that blows everyone away. 

I want to sing like Demi Lovato. I want to be able to belt out like how she did when she sings. Although I enjoyed her pop songs, her powerful soul songs touched me the most. I aspire to sing songs like hers which includes "Skyscraper", "Stone Cold", "Father", "Nightingale" and so many more that are so emotionally moving. It's inspiring how she started out as a Disney artist to one of the top big singers out there. 

Those are my biggest inspirations in singing and if you noticed, they are mostly soul singers with big voices. I may not be as the same level as them. Probably will never be in a million years... but they are my biggest inspirations in my singing and I just hope I could be at least half as good as them when I perform. If I were able to meet my inspirations I wouldn't even know how to begin on thanking them for inspiring me. I probably would just cry at the thought of them helping me without actually knowing me. I could never meet Whitney Houston anymore obviously but she will always be the legendary singer that I look up to.

Which is why I have decided to sign up for a local singing competition a few days ago. I did it. I signed up. There's no turning back now. I hesitated at first but when I saw the prize I thought of how much I needed that money... especially right now. Then I thought, maybe I could have the opportunity to win but even if I don't, I can finally do what I dreamed to do since I was a little kid. I want this. I want this so much. 

I can't thank God enough for this opportunity and I'm praying and praying that everything will go well.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Career Choice

Not gonna lie, I'm still worried about the fact that I'm 22 and still thinking about my career choice. I have this envy with my friends' success and how they are moving really great in their lives. Let's be real, we all compare our lives with other people's. That's what we do. But when I think about it, if I switch places with those people I envy with one day, I don't I would ever be truly happy anyway. I know now that there's a reason why I'm me and they are them.

Art has always been a part of my life. I'm a freelance fine artist and I love what I'm doing right now. Although I'm still figuring out to do more with these, I'm actually enjoying my life right now.

Of course, my relatives and my friends will always take the chance to bring up the topic on how I should start thinking about a "real job" because apparently what I do may not be enough to pay the bills for them.
I hate -wait, no- I despise the feelings I'm getting whenever they bring these up. All the career interrogation in my life. It left me in a state of anxiety and panic.
I just wish that people would get their nose out of my life. Literally everyone I know is afraid of the future and what's gonna happen to them and I really think that we should work together to not freak each other out by raising questions like these.

Whether I'm gonna find a good job or not, it's never okay to ask why I don't have a job right now. Heck, it's never okay to ask that to anyone about it because :-
  1. You think they aren't already thinking about it every second of the day? 
  2. Nobody wants to be unemployed by choice so you don't need to remind people of their failures ok
  3. It feels like you're talking down to them because your life is so good and now they just feel worthless
  4. Just please stop asking about it. It's a sensitive subject will you just ask about memes or any other fun questions please
All in all, I'm grateful that my family is very supportive in what I do. They helped me through college and that's where I learned more skills than I could ever imagine and they also understand I can no longer mentally and physically further my studies to a Degree in Fine Arts anymore.
I barely, if ever, asked any money from my parents once I got out of college and that's something I'm proud of.
I know I should figure out to do more than just these but I just hope I don't have all these pressure from other people to begin with.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Can Men and Women Just be Friends?

Hey there, you.
Now, let's say that you're in a relationship. Everything is great. Your partner loves you and you love them. You two make each other so happy... until one day, your partner told you that they are going to hang out with a friend.
Of the opposite sex.
Just the two of them.
Without you.
Now, of course you don't want to be a jerk and forbid your partner to go. That could be a really good friend who just came to town and they haven't met each other for so long.

You got nervous. Why?

Deep down, you're worried that maybe there's going to be an attraction going on between them.
However, they're just friends though, aren't they?

Before I continue, I just need to tell this that it is so naive to have this mindset where our partner will never be attracted to anyone else or shouldn't be attracted to anyone else at all. That can harm our way of thinking which then makes us want our partner to avoid the basic instinct, that is to become attracted to attractive qualities in other people.

Now, I believe that we hang around people that we find attractive. You can be attracted with someone's physical appearance, thoughts, communication skills or the way they carry themselves. It could be anything that attracts us to certain people.
It's just not realistic to assume that we will never ever be attracted to qualities in anyone else besides our partner.

This however, has nothing to do with our loyalty. Loyalty is something we work on when we're in a relationship and has nothing to do with the friendships that we have.

It's okay to go out and choose friends where even though you wouldn't admit it, had some level of attraction going on. It doesn't mean you're gonna do anything about it. That just means it's why you chose them as a friend in the first place. You're attracted with their qualities, yes. However, that doesn't mean you want them over your partner.

What I'm trying to say is, even though I believe men and women can just be friends, it's very naive to assume that they won't be attracted with each other.

At the end of the day the question isn't about "Can men and women just be friends?"
It's about "Are they willing to just be friends?"

So, don't try to surpress your partner for their basic instinct to be attracted with other people. Learn about loyalty with each other instead.

Your partner's loyalty isn't defined by how many people they're not attracted to. It's defined by the amount of people they can be attracted to and still be loyal to you.
Still be in a relationship to you.
Still be faithful to you.

My boyfriend, Chris with his best friend of 3 years, Missy

Friday, October 20, 2017

Do I Really Want Kids?

This isn't my kid lol
I know what I've said before.
I said that I would probably never have kids. I never had the desire actually. Whenever my friends talked about being a mother one day, they got so excited. The subject lit their face up. Sure enough, two of my close friends have become a mother now. However, I never relate to their excitement. I was the one who never felt anything on the subject on becoming a mother or even just talking about babies. But of course, I had to pretend to think that babies are cute or what kind of monster would I be, right? Real talk, though. All mewborn babies look the same like what am I supposed to feel? I can't say that to people though gosh that would horrible.

So, for the longest time I've always felt that I'd probably never become a mother. That was one of many things that made me insecure to be in a relationship. (In case you're wondering, yes I told Chris about this already)

I mean, that's what I thought.

Over the past month, I honestly felt like God kept speaking to me through little things. I went to this fancy dinner with my uncle and my niece. There, I noticed a young woman holding a little girl's hand. She was not more than 5 years old, I think. That little girl was beautiful. She wore a blue dress, long curly hair and big brown eyes...and if course, she's half-white. (Good sense of humour there, God. ayy)
I don't know when I saw them walking and laughing together, something just tugged my heart on that sight.

You thought my feelings would stop there? I wish.

Everywhere I went, I saw something that made me have this strong nurturing feelings like seeing cute baby and mother videos on Twitter or when that one baby I said hi at church grabbed my pinky and wouldn't let go.

I even act a little different with my niece and my little cousin now. I feel like wanting to protect them from any harm. I listened about what happened on their days and answered their silly little questions.

I knew it was God speaking to me.

I don't know what to feel.
It's not that I'm ready to be a mother right now, anyway.
Why am I just feeling all these now?
I'm so confused. I don't even trust my judgement anymore. I thought I was this way but well, turns out I'm the other way. I guess as we grow up, our mentality grows too. It's hard feeling changes though when you've been comfortable with how you identified yourself a certain way and turns out it's not really who I think I am.

I know I would get over this though because I know my identity is supposed to be in God. Not what I label myself or who I think I'm supposed to be. Still, having an identity crisis is so not fun.

Would I want to have kids? I genuinely don't know. I'm still scared at the thought of pregnancy and giving birth but hey literally anything could happen in the future. God has planned my future and I'm sure this is just a little beginning of my very big journey I've yet to walk on.

Monday, October 09, 2017

Single Vs. In A Relationship

Photo by Lauren Mackler

You know what's worse than annoying cheesy couples on social medias?
People who complain about being single every 5 minutes.
I tried to avoid talking about this since it's "easy for me to say because I'm in a relationship" but you know what? I'm not going to sit around and let people tell to shut up just because of our differences in situations.
I get it. I was single before. I know how it feels like. You know what else I know? The fact that a person can be stubborn on actually listening to any sort of advice at all. Why? Because they've already listened to everything. They are already fed up with the "You would meet someone one day," "Enjoy in your singleness," and also the famous "God is saving someone special for you."
It doesn't matter. Whatever you say will make them roll their eyes even harder anyway. All they want is to have a significant other right this second. I get it.
But it totally comes to a point where it gets annoying to see these people in their bitterness and self pity.
I just want to clarify that the occasional joke with the "forever alone" meme can be pretty funny sometimes. I did that too back then. This post I'm doing right now isn't about these people. I'm talking about the people who are constantly feeling bitter with the world because they're single. It's hard to find joy in them in all those desperation that I get so annoyed whenever I see their tweets on my Twitter feed. At times they even throw in some stuff about how it's better to be single anyway because they don't need someone to make them whole like all those people that are in a relationship. I literally saw a tweet like that earlier today I'm not even kidding.
First of all, whether you're single or in a relationship, no one is superior than the other. Second of all, if you have that "I don't need someone to make me whole" attitude in the first place, you wouldn't have been so bitter about being single. Just saying.
Look, all I'm saying is I do understand about wanting to be in a relationship but it becomes a problem when your life only revolves around that one thing only. I have experience with that situation and ended up with someone nice only for the sake of being in a relationship. Don't make it an idol. It's not fair for the person you're gonna end up with when they found out you were desperate for them just because you couldn't stand being single.
There really is more to life than just being in a relationship and I wish I can get through to people about this. Heck, you may be a happier person than the ones who are in a relationship right now. However, whether I say it or not, it all starts with people's attitude towards it anyway.

Friday, October 06, 2017

A Paranormal Encounter

Val and me!
This happened a while back. I don't remember exactly when but it was sometime during college.

Our class had a dance practice for our upcoming performance. We decided to use our art studio at night. My dorm mates/classmates, Farhanah and Hazirah were running late to the studio so we were rushing all the way. Note that it was 7pm..ish and it was already dark so we had to pass a few classes to walk to the art studio all the way from our dorms. It took us like 15 minutes to walk. 

We reached this building where classes usually go on but everything was empty and dark since there were no night classes. The only lights we had were the lights along the hallway that goes on to our art studios block. We were fast walking and rushing till we saw our friend, Val, at the end of the hall. We were all saying hi to her in our girly high-pitched voices and told her to wait up.

It was dark but we could definitely tell straightaway that it was her from the faint hint of lights on her figure and the way she stood.
She, of course turned around and look at us when we called her. She seem like she was rushing too and ran off after she saw us.
We ran to the end of the hall trying to catch up with her but ended up not seeing her anywhere.

Farhana, Hazirah and I were joking around about how rude she was and not caring about us anymore. We also were wondering how Val could ran to the studio so fast.
We got to the studio from that hallway after about 4-5 minutes and we saw Val sitting around in the studio while the others practiced their dance routines.
"Hey! How did you run so fast?" I said to her. She turned to me and stared at me when Farhana and Hazirah came up to her and jokingly told her how rude she was from what just happened.

Val was completely confused. "I got here in the studio for awhile now," she told us. "Stop playing, Val," hoping she was actually joking around. Shyrul, another of our classmate overheard us and told us that Val had been there for like an hour.
We told them that we saw her, wearing EXACTLY what she was wearing. A black shirt and jeans.
But it was true. Everyone was saying that she was already there for a while. 

We found out that the Val we saw,
was actually not her.

People here believe that if you see someone you know at one place while the actual person is at another place, you shouldn't let the person know or it's gonna be a bad omen to the person.
Although I may not believe that myself, I prayed for her before going to bed that night and I reminded her to pray too since she was turning pale from what we told her. 
She ended up okay though!

But man, the fact that we were actually talking to that ... whatever it was...
Gosh I don't even know what to feel about that.

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Shy Is Annoying [Rant]

Some of you already feel attacked with this title but you know what? I don't care. I'm going to talk about it anyway.
I am so exhausted of people getting away with things by using "shy" as an excuse. They don't talk to people, they stay away from being in an activity and they don't even want to try to contribute.
Forgive me if I sound angry but if you have to deal with annoying "shy" people for years, you would get fed up with it too.
Before I continue, I want to say that being shy itself is not the problem. It becomes a problem when you act shy all the time
It becomes a problem when everyone is called to pitch in an idea for a new project but you stayed out of it.
It becomes a problem when you see a person being adored on stage knowing that you can be 10× better but accepting the fact that you're never gonna be able to do that anyway.
It becomes a problem when you would rather lock yourself in your room and choosing not to interact with your friends.
It becomes a problem when you don't laugh at jokes, giving one word answers and just not giving any sign of effort.
That's not cute or quirky. That's annoying. You acting shy all the time is annoying.

The answers I'm always getting when I need explanations from people like this?

"I'm not confident like you."
"You have to understand I'm not an extrovert."
"I'm shy. That's just who I am."

Well you know what else you are? Boring.
Just because you're shy or an introvert or whatever you're labelling yourself, that doesn't mean you can't be the opposite of what you are for just 5 minutes.

I've met a lot of charismatic and confident introverts, including me! When I was a kid I never talked to any of my teachers. I sat at the back of the class and never wanted to raise my hand on anything. 
Something clicked in my mind when my dad got angry with us in the family for always being scared to do anything.
He said a popular Malay phrase which translates to, "If you're shy to ask for directions, you're always going to be lost." (Malu bertanya, sesat jalan)
He was right. 
I lost all great opportunities in my life because I was shy. I regretted that.

I'm not saying that you HAVE to change who you are. I'm an introvert and I can carry a conversation well but I'm not always naturally like that. Just because you're an introvert, doesn't mean you can't cultivate the skills of an extrovert when you're needed in a situation and actually enjoy it! You can go back to being an introvert for the rest of the day if you want.
Life is not all about extroversion/introversion. It's not as black and white as people told you it is. Just be whatever you want to be when the situation needs you to be.

Like I said, being shy is okay but the fact that you acting shy all the time and not wanting to do anything about it is bad for you.
It's bad for your life, for your socializing and bad for your character to show how diverse and interesting you are.

I'm so tired of shy people complaining about how nobody cares about them when they don't want to do anything about themselves to begin with.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Meeting Up With Sasha!

I've been friends with Sasha since high school. I've never actually got to be that close to her because a lot of people disliked her in school back then so the group of friends that I used to hang a lot wasn't a fan of me talking to her that much. I thought she was pretty cool and I still talked to her anyway in class but never got the chance to be as close. She was pretty cool with me as well and we had a lot of things in common actually like having a crush on Chris Evans and living in America one day haha. Good times.

I think the reasons why people disliked her was because she can be a diva sometimes and she speaks English so people thought she was showing off. She was also very competitive in school and fought to be the best in everything. I was kind of inspired by her. Heck, I wanted to speak in English too. I was so tired to speak in Malay all the time. I mean, what's so wrong about wanting to be the best right? Well I have differences with her too but she's pretty dang cool.

(Sasha and I during high school lol)
We didn't get to talk anymore after we got out of school. We moved on with our own lives.

We then actually started talking through Whatsapp again after a few years and I don't know how but we kinda just started getting really close! We met a few times again last year and I hung out with her again yesterday! It's amazing how I've gotten so close to her even though we separated on our own ways after high school.

She's one of the people who still stick around in my life and I'm glad the we always get to talk even though just through texts. She's amazing, sweet and caring. She paid for literally everything yesterday like oh my gosh I felt so spoiled. I had a great time with her 😭❤

Saturday, September 30, 2017

10th Post Of the Month

I did it. I actually get to do 10 blog posts this month. I set a goal and I actually did it.
I am so proud of myself! 😭 What I did is not just about getting my monthly resolution achieved but it showed me that when I put my mind to something, I can actually do it. This is something that is really valuable to me and it motivates me with what I do in my every day life. If I put my mind to get more money next month then I'm gonna go get it. If I put my mind to be more hardworking then I can absolutely do it too. 
It's the last day of September right now and it is the night that my goal is achieved. I hope future me will go back to this post and remember how awesome I am and will always be.

So now, another resolution for next month.
I'll keep going for 10 blog posts per month but with more pictures. I realized I've been slacking on putting pictures on my posts because I just wanted to post and leave. Well, now I want to go for quantity but also quality. 
And also I'm gonna work super hard to earn more money than usual.

It's 40 minutes to October now. I'll be praying that it's gonna be a better month for me.🍁

Why Am I In A Long Distance Relationship?

If you've been following my blog for a while now, you probably already know that I'm in a long distance relationship with my amazing boyfriend, Chris Howard. (hi babe!)
      I get asked a lot on why I chose to be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Well to answer that, I don't think anybody wants to go for a LDR as a choice to begin with. LDR may happened because of so many reasons. In my case, I happened to stumble across a man that I never knew would change my life to this day. Did we jump straight into a relationship though? No, we didn't. I found out that Chris actually thought I was pretty back then but he was being careful and not trying to pursue me because he thought nothing realistically could happen between us because of distance. 
  I think he was being absolutely reasonable. Of course anyone would hesitate to even think about being in a LDR.
    It turns out, while we were getting to know each other, our feelings never actually faded. We both admitted that we tried not to like the other person since we thought things would never happen anyway.

We couldn't.

In fact, they grew stronger.

    We got together after finally confessing our feelings to each other. We were a mess but we did it anyway. I'm glad we did.
    At the end, it comes to whether or not both of us are willing to commit and finally close the gap one day. LDR is worth it when there's a future for both of us to look forward together.
Has it been easy for us? Definitely not. But is it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Chris is worth every mile between us.

So, would I recommend you to go for a long distance relationship? Well I'm not gonna say yes but I'm not gonna say no either. 
I'm not gonna say yes because I know how hard it is. I don't ever want to see you having to go through what I am going through.
However, I'm also not going to say no because LDR is not an impossible thing when you know someone who is worth all the fights you have to go through.

Friday, September 29, 2017

A Very Bizarre Dream

I woke up from my nap and went straight to my laptop and turned it on. Holy moly, I just woke up from a very strange dream but also very real. I need to write this down immediately.

I was nominated for a beauty pageant but for some reasons I came to the place late and I was a mess. I had no makeup artists and I had no dress to wear. I came to the beauty pageant with 0 preparation. I was wearing my blue dress shirt and shorts. My hair was in a bun and it looked like I slept and woke up in that hair.
So I came and I stood in front of the crowd. Apparently I only had one competitor. She was flawless. She looked like a rich kid with perfect hair and makeup and dress. She made some remarks about me being late and how I looked. I was embarrassed. From her look, she clearly didn't like me. I didn't know how I got in that that situation in the first place. I touched my hair and my bun almost fell off my head.
We didn't do anything at the pageant but to answer a question. We were both given the same question - "What is beauty?"
The girl answered it first. Her answer was all superficial. She went on and on about having designer bags, makeup tips and I don't even remember what she said but she was really prideful of her posessions and how she looked.
And then it was my turn.
I faced the crowd and I saw my friends and my family excited for me. I saw everyone who ever cared for me. I was tearing up.
I immediately knew what my answer was (this is word from word that I remember from my dream)

"You know at first I didn't know what beauty was but then I saw my friends all here supporting me. That is beauty. And I wanna show beauty everyday whether I'm pretty or not."

The crowd stood for me and gave me such a huge applause. I was then given a crown because apparently I won. The thing was, the crown was crooked and looked ugly. They gave the ugly crown in my hand and I slowly put it on my messy bun that almost came undone. The second I put that crown on my head, sparks flew everywhere like how you see in fairytale movies. There was a wind that blew my hair out and turned it into beautiful curls. I was spinning around and my shirt and shorts turned into a big pink floral pattern dress and I could even feel it slowly wrapping around my body. I even remember thinking that the dress had very good quality fabric. I looked and I had a beautiful crown.

That was my dream. There could be some kind of a lesson there but I don't know yet. I'm glad I chose to write this all down as soon as I woke up from my nap. I don't want to forget this.
I haven't told a lot of people about this but I have very weird dreams from time to time and it felt so much like there's a hidden message behind it. Maybe God talks to me through dreams? I don't know.

I might be putting my old dreams on here soon. I have some dreams like yeaaaaars ago that I still don't know the meaning of it. Maybe you can help? Hopefully

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Dear Future, Susan

Dear future Susan,
I know you're sad and disappointed with yourself. Sometimes things don't go the way you want it to but please do not beat yourself up for it. People mess up but it's not going to be forever. Giving up? Well that can be forever if you choose that path.
You are not a failure. You have done so much in your life. This is me from your past being proud of yourself for the things you have done for people. You know Sasha your friend? You helped her through her breakup. She said she loves you and you're very important to her. Think about all the people that you helped and encouraged along the way. They look up to you. Look how selfless you are. Keep being selfless.You are so important to so many people. If you feel like the world is against you in so many ways, it's not gonna be forever. You're not strong? Look around you. Everyone is ready to help you. Don't you dare say that they don't care because I am seeing it now how they would do anything to make you feel better. You know why? Because seeing you sad breaks their heart. Please don't bottle things up to yourself. You know how damaging it is right? You tried before. Yeah it never works. Talk to the people who are already around you. People who care about you.
Future Susan, remember how God always answered your prayers? He will answer your prayers right now too. All your pain, anxiety and fear will be carried by the Lord. The devil will do anything to say all these bad things about yourself in your mind and at times, it can be pretty convincing but right now you need to rebuke it in Jesus' name. You and I know that it's not true. It never has been.
If you think you're never gonna be happy again, think about the times you thought the same waaay back and here I am feeling content and happy. You know I went through crap too but I am still standing here with a smile on my face.

You got this.❤

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Back From Hiatus

Ok I wasn't really on a hiatus it was just for like a week I went off radar on social medias it wasn't really that long so I don't know if that is still considered as a hiatus but I don't have any ideas for a title of this post okay?
So let me explain.
I was in a pretty rough spot(personal problems) and I had to stay away from social medias for awhile and just talked only to my closest friends while focusing on my commission work. I was stressed and also down so doing my work wasn't really much of a joy to me at the time.
During dinner one night, my brother said he wanted to go to see Philip Mantofa's talk at Penampang. I didn't know who Philip Mantofa was but I found out that he's a pastor from Indonesia who was well known with missing the Air Asia flight that he was supposed to be on that eventually ended in a tragic crash. He was also known from his testimonies about his experience seeing heaven and hell that he shares everywhere he goes. He happened to be in my state during the 15th-16th and me family and I planned to go hear his sermon.
Well, I guess this was something that could take my mind off my problems. Yeah I thought.
The day came and we drove to that place early because we knew that with this event, there's gonna be heavy traffic. Well, we were right though. We drove 2 hours earlier than we were supposed to and we were still stuck in traffic for hours and hours. After our butts cramping from sitting too long in the car, we were almost there.

And then my brother got a text on WhatsApp.
"Betulkah ni???" (Is this true???) his voice in shock.
He showed his phone to us to let us see what it said. Our grandmother died.

My dad called his brother immediately to ask about their mother. My brother turned the car around and head back to our late grandmother's house.

She was our last grandparent.

I don't want to talk too much about it by the way I'm just healing from it.

Anyway, after a pretty rough day at the funeral we went back home where then I got sick. Horribly.
It started of as a step throat until it gradually turned into a high fever.
I haven't had a fever like that for sooooo long. I couldn't sleep well for the night and I was having nightmares. I took a bunch of medicines and the whole night I was praying to God. I don't remember what I said but I clearly remember that I asked God not to let me die. Pretty dramatic, I know. I messaged some of my friends to pray for me and they did. I was crying so much.

The next morning, I felt better. Just like that.
I knew it was God. I'm 100% confident of that I just know it in my gut. I know myself well enough that I would have never felt better that fast.
I wasn't fully healed though I still had to lie down and rest but it felt better.

And now I'm here. All healed -physically and emotionally. Smiling and grateful at life given by God.
I went through a lot but my goodness I feel so much better right now.
I wasn't really strong a few days back to be honest but what made me strong was my friends. Friends who prayed for me, tweeted me encouragements and messaged me to let them know if I needed anything.
They genuinely care about me and I love them so much.
Oh my gosh I'm so blessed why am I crying again

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guards Up, Guards Down

Sometimes I regret letting my guards down. I thought it would be okay anyway so I let myself feel. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and assured myself that it'll be okay and this is a good decision.
It felt freeing.

I felt joy.
I could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
I could love deeply and passionately.
I started to care.

But then things didn't turn out the way that I expect it to.
I felt sadness.

And when I let my guards down, those feelings are 10x stronger than I used to feel.

So now I'm asking myself, "Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

All I know is that I am exhausted of getting hurt again and again and again. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be sad. It's painful.

Should I let my guards up again? Should I just numb everything out just so I wouldn't feel anything again?
But then taking away the pain would also be taking away my joy.

So at the end, I don't know what to do. What I do know though is now I remember why I let my guards up in the first place.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Twitter Isn't Necessarily A Waste of Time

I've gotten to know so many different people with different personalities on Twitter and it is truly a blessing. I don't get the chance to actually talk and know them on a deeper level though. I just interacted with them enough to call them as friends.
One thing I need to talk about though is how a lot of them are constantly struggling with depression and anxiety. I've seen their tweets on how they think they're struggling with their self-esteem or just having very hard life. It breaks my heart so much... you know why?

Because they are the most passionate people I've ever seen. The way they talk about the things they love are so inspiring and it's just so pure.
They know the value of friendship and the fact they bring each other up in their brokenness touched me.
The way they talk about their interests and ambitions showed me how much potential they have to go far in life.
The way they make others laugh with their incredible sense of humour tells me how quick their minds work and making me realize how intelligent they are.

But it hurts me.

It hurts me that they don't see that in themselves. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to stop believing the lies that they're not worth it. I don't want them to constantly think less of themselves just because they're on the internet and people out here telling them that it's a waste of time because it's NOT true. They're NOT wasting their time.

Without them on the internet I wouldn't have met the people that I'm holding dear to my heart right now.
Without them on the internet I would have feel so alone when I get depressed and had no one that understands me.

So people out there who make fun of "milennials" being on Twitter can zip their mouth and stop hurting these amazing people. It pisses me off. Just because you're not on Twitter and doing "life", doesn't mean the people on there are lesser than you.

Saturday, September 09, 2017


I video called with my two best friends last night. Melanie and Grace. I know it's only been a day but I already miss them. Funny how they can literally boost my mood up so quick... The two people that I met on the internet. We kinda talked a little about how it's gonna be when I will finally gonna come to America. Their faces lit up and I got super excited again. 

I've been down for quite some time. I have friends here too like who aren't actually thousands of miles away from me. I tried reaching out to them but I'm only getting like one word responses and then it felt so bland. I'm not even talking about acquaintances. I'm talking about actual close friends. The friends I was super tight with during college or in secondary school. We loved each other.
When I tried to reach them, their replies had 0 enthusiasm. I gotta admit it kinda hurt me a little bit. You know how you feel like you're the only one putting effort to keep the conversation going and then they're just gone when you step back for a while?

Yeah I got confused. I guess people just grow apart sometimes, right? Like, isn't that just a part of life?

It's soooo cliche to say this but internet friends really do treat you better. I've always avoided to say that because it felt like actually dismissing my actual friends in real life. I don't want to lift one group of friends and then degrading the other but honestly... that's literally what I'm feeling.
The other day I checked on my one friend's twitter profile from my old secondary school and I realized that she unfollowed me. I don't know for how long but she did. 

I don't want to dwell on it for too long though. I just have to remember that I can't make people stay in my life if they don't want to. If I were them I wouldn't wanna be forced to stay in someone else's life too when I don't want to.

But here's the positive thing though, I get to recognize who my true friends are now. Who is and isn't worth the fight for. Whether I met them on the internet or in real life, it doesn't matter.
So Mel and Grace, you two are the best and I love you guys.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

New Resolution

So this is like a New Year's resolution but instead of the beginning of the year, I decided to start on September. Yes it's a tad bit late so sue me. I want to start posting more on my blog. I don't want this blog to die since I've been doing this for so long already. I went back to my posts from this year and there aren't even that many of them. I gotta admit it was kinda disappointing. So, from now on I want to have at least 10 posts every month. I'm being realistic though because I know myself too much that I definitely cannot write every single day. I'll settle for 10 for now. I'd probably talk about my day a little and maybe go on a rant about things I want to. I don't know. Let's see about that.

For today I'd probably just share some of what happened today.
Well for one, I shot a cover of one of my most favorite songs, "Hallelujah". I actually reached 100 subscribers on YouTube today! It's crazy though. I've never really been very active in uploading and somehow there are 100 different individuals out there who clicked the subscribed button on my channel. Okay, maybe because I have a popular YouTuber boyfriend so that helped. Either way, I don't deserve all these attention but to show how grateful I am, I thought, what the heck, right? I haven't done a video for a while so might as well give them another video!

(click to watch)
I really am kinda proud of it. I kinda wish I have better production quality though. Heck, I shot that on my Samsung S4 and put the microphone on a stack of books. I don't really invest much on camera gears, lighting and all those stuff though since I don't really see myself doing youtube much. I do find it fun but it's never really my passion, you know? I'll probably do some videos again but I'm not committed to it. I really respect Chris' dedication for his daily vlogs and main channel and all that constant editing oh man. How does he do that?

My passion however goes to my drawings. I spent RM300++ for a drawing tablet because I desperately wanted it. I bought expensive pencil colours, charcoals, high quality papers, etc. It brings me so much happiness. If I have more money I would buy canvas with acrylic or oil paints. Maybe rent a little studio for me.
I'm slowly earning money though. I have few commission work that I have yet to finish. Pretty slow on them at the moment because apparently I'm too inspired to do so many things at once. I do need to get back on them though.

I'm quite busy lately. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out causing me to have mood swings which then caused me to not eat well and on time. I know it's bad especially my gastritis is terrible right now but I'll work on it. I have to.

However, as busy as I was today, I'm really happy for some reasons. I don't know why. I just do. It even rained today and I know it's weird for people but I really love the rain. It feels very cozy and just very peaceful to me... and the smell of the road after the rain.. oh my gosh. I love it I love it I love ittttt.

Saturday, September 02, 2017

Why I Blog

I mean, I don't know what else to say except that I love it. I love writing. I can't really say that I'm good enough that I could publish a book or something though. Although, I probably can. Never really thought much about it to be honest. I've read some pretty bad books though and for some reasons they were successfully published so I may have a good chance here. Oh my gosh don't even get me started on Buzzfeed articles like literally anyone can call themselves a writer now. 

Hold on, what are we talking about again?

Aah that's right. Why I blog.
I hardly get any readers on here. I have very few followers which half of them aren't even active anymore. I could stop blogging at any moment now. The question is, why didn't I?
Well, like I said. I love blogging. I love writing about myself. I love writing about my thoughts. I love sharing my experiences. Writing makes me feel like I'm talking to a friend. Honestly, I didn't start a blog for people. I did it for myself. I could have 0 follower and I would still write.
I'm not saying that I'm not grateful if you happen to read my blog though, whoever you are. I do appreciate you oh my gosh are you kidding me? You're literally reading what's in my mind and heart. You're reading me. This blog... This whole blog is literally me. Thank you for caring so much about me that you follow me this far. 

I don't really know who's reading this right now but one thing I know for sure, future me is going to read this again. I may laugh, cry or cringe at the memories but I will love it. And I know in that moment, I will thank current me for all these memories written down in this blog.

Hey, I guess I'm proud of myself for this! (yes I know what I wrote in my previous post)

I just want to say that whatever you do, whatever you're passionate about, always remember why you started in the first place. I know how you can discouraged when you're not getting enough appreciation but remember that you do what you do because you love it. Remember how passionate you were when you first started and how far you've come. Don't ever let the passion die. 

I believe in you :)

Monday, August 28, 2017

I Don't Know How To Love Myself

There are people out there who would risk their lives for me.
Who would do anything to make me happy,
to make me smile,
and see how beautiful I am not only on the outside but also on the inside.

They've repeatedly told me how they appreciate me and how blessed they are to know me.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't believe them but I just wish...
I just wish I can see myself the way they see me.
I don't think I'm a bad person. I mean, I mess up once in a while but I'm generally a good person. I don't hate myself. However, I also don't know how to love myself. Well, technically I do love myself. I mean I take good care of myself, I avoid getting sick as much as I can and feed myself when needed. I also tend to make myself look nice and pretty so those pretty much count as loving myself, right? I guess we all pretty much love ourselves by default in those areas.

But see, I'm not in love with myself.
I have people in my life that actually love me more than I love myself. They look up to me so much. I've heard all the compliments repeatedly. They said I'm talented. They said I'm funny. I'm pretty. Smart.
And I appreciate them I really do. I love them so freaking much.
But I just wish I could feel more than just and "ehh" feeling towards myself when they tell me how amazing I am. Is this how being humble feels like? If it is then wow this sucks. I just want to be proud of myself without having all these struggle.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Why I Don't Talk Much

(warning: there is a lot of rage in this post so brace yourself)

Over the past few days, I started to realize how the same thing that happened to me at school was happening to me again. 
Let me just start from the beginning.
I've made a ton of friends on Twitter and I am so grateful for them but to be honest, I am dead tired of them sometimes. I know how mean that sounds but don't leave yet. There are more to the story. So, my Twitter direct messages (DMs) has always been full. I love hearing stories from people and I've always wanted to be there for them when they need me. They're my friends. They messaged me sharing their life stories and I genuinely got excited for the things that has been happening in their lives. But you know what I hate? It's when it was my turn to do the same to them and they only give short replies.
"Oh great!"
While before this I was constantly like, "Oh my gosh that is amazing I'm so proud of you gahhh!!! So how do you feel?? That's insane!"
You thought I was exaggerating, huh? I wish I was. It's just so disappointing to know that people don't really care about what I have to say. I tried thinking that they were genuinely listening to me and my feelings but I literally don't get any replies again after that. Even if I do, all I get is another story about what's been happening to them. I'm not calling out all of my friends there though. I have my best friends that I can trust and make me feel so great whenever I talk to them. The rest of them, not so much. Not only my internet friends though even friends irl that I text from time to time. I am just soooo tired to be in a one way conversation. They told me I'm a great listener. They told me I'm a great friend. But I truly don't feel the same way.

I wish I could say this is the first time to happen to me but no. It has been going on since I was in school. People talk and talk and when it was my turn, people don't pay attention and I get talked over. It upsets me because I know I have an interesting mind but nobody seems to care. Heck it was one of the biggest reasons why I started this blog. I wanted to write about everything. About what's on my mind. About my life. If people want to read it then that's great! But if don't, then they can just leave without talking over me. 

I know why I stopped talking too much about myself to people now. It's because I subconsciously thought that I'm gonna annoy them. I would rant over something and stop talking mid-conversation saying "I'm sorry, I talk too much," which I know I shouldn't sometimes. I know there are people who genuinely find me interesting. Even if they do listen to me, I would feel guilty for talking to long and thanking them for listening to me over and over again even if I don't have to.

I guess what's been happening to me since I was in school damaged something in me. I wish I was more confident about myself, my opinions, my thoughts and my beliefs. To my friends (and boyfriend) who are genuinely there for me to just hear me talk, I appreciate you and I would do the same for you anytime. Although, I'd probably still be a good listener to the people that needs me though but I'd just not talk more about myself I guess.

I needed a place to rant ok. And this is my blog so ya can't stop me bye.

Friday, July 14, 2017

A Girl and Her Bedroom

My sister with her husband and two sons came from South Korea to visit for one and a half week here so I had to give up my bedroom since we have a small house. I slept on the couch. I didn't mind. I wanted them to be as comfortable as they can.
I loved our time spent together. We even went on a trip to Kundasang and visited the places we never get to visit as a family before.

And then they left and it was hard to see them go at the airport. I know that she has her own family and her life needs her to be somewhere else. Still, it's always hard to see them go.

But part of me was just glad that they left.

Now that made me sound like a bad person but just hear me out.

I spent one and a half week being in the living room. I couldn't lie down on my own bed and just take my alone time there since they're using my bedroom. It's not just about being an introvert and recharging. It's just something about my bed that makes me feel safe and I felt that it was taken away from me. When I went to KL earlier this year, which is on the other side of the country, I was stressed out and anxious. I didn't know why. My only thought was to go back home and lie down in my own bed. I knew I'd feel better if I did that but, well, I couldn't.

That's what I felt the whole time my sis and her family was here. Although I love them dearly, I felt myself getting depressed day by day. But of course, I hid it pretty well. I've had practice so...

It may seem silly for you to read this. It was just a bed. Just a bedroom. Big deal.

However, it's more than that to me. It's one of the places that I feel truly safe. It's my happy place. A place for me to rest or for me to be creative. The place where I create stuff and the place for me to just think by myself. No noise. Just peace and quiet.

Over the past one and a half week, I was about to lose mind. I'd get anxious and just dreading the day 'till night where I finally get to have my sleep. Although, it didn't help how my fam always sleep late and I have to wait all of them to go to their room so I'd be alone on the couch.

Do I like the way I am right now? Definitely not. I hope this was never a thing. It would be so easier for me if I've never felt so attached to my bedroom. I'm not even sure it's healthy. As much as I want to convince myself that's it all just in my head, I just can't because once it started in your head, your body starts to shut down as well. My head was throbbing. I felt sluggish. I didn't feel like doing stuff. But I still did because I have to.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

A Cynical Who Got Into A Relationship

I really don't want to be annoying by talking too much about Chris on my blog but then I thought, "Hey, whose blog is this anyway? Also, do I even have actual readers to complain about me to begin with? ha..ha.. ha?" 
Also, I promise I'm not gonna be too disgustingly sappy on my blog. That's private for the both of us.
I just want to talk about how I grow as a person through this relationship. I've been in relationships before. Obviously failed ones and I was immature back then. Wait hold on, let me start from how I was before I dated Chris.
Awhile back, I've been really cynical with romantic relationships because I thought people my age only want relationships for fun. I've seen it way too many times. They want to get together because it's fun. I'm ashamed to say that it happened to me too. Not that I was against relationships though but I just don't trust people my age to be serious so I thought I'd rather guard myself from these stuff for awhile and focus on improving myself as an individual. Being in a relationship always felt like a burden to me. I love myself too much to want someone to ruin it for me.

'till I met Chris.

I didn't want to be with him just because I craved for a relationship like I always did. I wanted to be with him because of... well... him. And it was a scary thought at first to have a crush again after years of guarding myself up. I'm bad at emotions I hate it. When I first started knowing him a little, that was me trying to feel the water with my feet before completely diving in. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my time yet that God still has a lot of plans for me... but then I thought, what if this is part of His plan? The way we found out about each other was insane... to the last detail of the story.
I don't know where it's gonna go for us but gosh I hope it works out.

I used to think that all the "couples thing" are obligations and I kept telling myself before that when I have a boyfriend, I have to do this, and that and don't be like that or stop doing certain stuff so he's happy with me. That's why I thought relationships are like chores to me.
However, when it comes to Chris, it all comes naturally to me because I don't do all these stuff just because I have to. It's because I want to. I'm ready to sacrifice a lot of stuff to make him happy and I honestly never felt that way with any guy. Ever.

One thing I also like in this relationship is that, he doesn't take away my sense of individuality. Don't get me wrong I care about him so much but I never feel like he's changing me like how I always thought would happen to me whenever I'm in a relationship. We're simultaneously great as individuals who get to do our own thing but also crazy about each other at the same time. I miss him from time to time but I really respect the fact that he's not slacking on life just because of me. 

I'm so grateful to God for him. He's very encouraging and always know what to say whenever I'm in trouble and he's just spoiling me way too much it's insane. 

I want to meet him so bad,

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