Friday, January 27, 2017

Thoughts On Valentine's Day

It's not even February yet and people are already talking about Valentine's Day. I gotta be honest, as a hopeless romantic way back then, I was so infatuated with Valentine's. I was the sad girl during Valentine's Day wondering why I didn't have a boyfriend like everybody else. However, for real, this year, I forgot that this was a actually a thing. I forgot that Valentine's Day is getting closer until one of my favorite youtubers mentioned it.
Honestly though, I kind of feel bland about it now. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people celebrating love or anything. I'm not that kind of people that goes, "Ew relationships," , "Ew boys!" I actually find it sweet sometime. I just feel like it's not for me right now.
I love myself. I'm achieving a lot of goals lately and I want to spend more time to discover my talents and abilities more. I'm building up myself so good and I don't feel like messing it up. I'm almost 22 and committing to someone right now will not be a good idea. Not gonna lie, I do have crushes once in a while. I think I still have the same crush with a guy from last year. But to actually commit? I'm gonna have a long prayer with God for that before deciding anything.
See, I know myself. I know exactly what will happen to me when I start to fall in love. I will start to drift away from my goals and I will not stop thinking about that one and only person. Sure I can control my emotions and try to focus more on my responsibilites but it's gonna be so hard. I would also be extra sensitive when I'm in love. It's like, I'm a completely different person! I'm telling you, I will no longer be reserved once I fall in love. Falling in love is a scary scary thing for me. I have enough obstacles in my life I don't need anymore to distract me. Besides, I don't know if I can be a good girlfriend considering I spend time with, A LOT. A guy left me a while back because I'm always "too busy". Am I too independent? I don't know. I'm happy with myself though.
Either way, Valentine's Day is going to be just like any other day this year I guess.. Also, I feel like I've been rambling for a while now so

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Felt Like Dying

Over the past few days I've been seriously ill. I kept it hidden from my family of course because I don't wanna trouble anyone to drive me to the hospital and spend hours waiting for my turn to be called. I saw the look on their faces before while waiting at the hospital. They were extremely tired and bored but somehow kept it together for me. I really don't like troubling people to be honest. 
Anyway, what happened to me was I became nauseous all the time especially when I wake up and when I eat. I feel like throwing up and I'd rather starve myself than having to endure the nauseous feeling again. It was weird though. It all started from the feeling of uneasiness in my stomach and goes to my throat and I'd feel out of air then get nauseous. It literally tried to reject everything that I ate. I hated it. I thought it would pass eventually but it got worse. 
I started eating less and less and I lost weight. My jeans started slipping down when I wear it without a belt. I woke up in the middle of the night because I was terribly nauseous. This is why I fainted way too many times at home. Just ask my family how often they found me lying on the bathroom floor. Heck, I even broke my tooth when I lost consciousness and fell last year but that's another story. 
So, two days ago I cried in my room because I couldn't take it anymore. Why? Why can't I be healthy like everyone? I just want to live a normal life. But hey, I stopped crying eventually and googled my symptoms. Internet is so useful I gotta say. Besides getting the result that I was pregnant, it also said that I might have indigestion or acid reflux. Basically like the acid in my stomach and my stomach lining that kind of stuff were all wrong. One of the things that triggers this is anxiety. Of course it is. I've been pushing myself way too hard on working lately though so that explains it. There were many things I did that caused this too like drinking water while eating instead of after eating, lying down after eating, not eating on time and so many more. I was thinking of asking my brother to take me to the hospital though but then I found some homemade remedy section. I tried drinking ginger tea and putting my pillow higher at night so the acid don't go up to my esophagus.

It worked. Oh my gosh it actually worked!!! I was so surprised and grateful oh my goodnessssss.

I feel much better now though. Not completely... but I can eat like normal now. Man, I was so starving today I wanted to eat everything since I've been skipping meals a lot these past few days. I still have to be careful though. I need to eat very slowly and not eat a lot all at once so my stomach won't freak out. I also need to stop with the caffeine, cold drinks and acidic food. Well, it's a progress, right? I'm happy and thank God for helping me get through this.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

What If An Author Wrote About Me?

The sun was already high and she's slowly waking up to her alarm that she snoozed for like the tenth time. It has always been like that. She was determined to wake up early the night before, like every other night but to no avail. She couldn't help it though. The night has always been so alive for her. The stars in the night sky speak so many words to her soul. She is just oozing with creativity and she would just drown herself in her art. Every brush stroke she took, every pencil mark on the rough paper, her soul dances with joy. It was her happy place. Those were the moments where she escape the world without actually leaving. She would spend hours and hours doing what she loves at night. Tea on her side, some snacks maybe and listening to some music in her earphones. She wanted to sing out loud and listened to her own incredible voice. Yes, she is fully aware of how good her voice is. Yet, singing at the top of her lungs past midnight would probably not a good idea so she just sang quietly. Bobbed her head up and down to the beat while her messy bun started getting loose where she had to tie them up again and again. She loved every second of it.

She opened her eyes and took a few more minutes lying down before getting out of her bed while planning everything she needed to do on that day. She never wrote her entire day plans out because it made her feel tied down and it was too stressful for her. Most of her daily activities consists of chores and doing commission work. People adore her art so a lot of them paid her for it. Thinking that she just graduated while looking for a job, it was a good thing to do for some side incomes. Next thing she knew, she became a full-time independent artist. Although it might not be all sunshine and rainbows for her doing it, she enjoyed it. She met tough people along the way and so many discouragement thrown at her for not doing what exactly was wanted. One time, she had to start over her full two days of work because it appeared to be "ugly" to her customer. Being a perfectionist that she was, she would hate herself if something does not appear as good as she thought. Although she had to go through some rough times, she appreciated the lesson which eventually made her even patient and stronger not only in business but also in life.

She was still not sure what is in store for her in years to come. She wanted to be a big artist. She wanted to be known for her talent. Yet, the future is unknown and is terrifying. However, something unknown can also be exciting and she hold that thought while enjoying what she have in the present.

Friday, January 06, 2017

How's 2017 For Me So Far

I gotta admit though, when the clock showed that it was 12 at midnight and then it was New Year, I was in the middle of emotional breakdown lol. Something happened but I'd rather not talk about it. Point is, I wasn't really doing the whole New Year countdown thing. I don't know. I guess things would be just the same since I thought time and calendar is just a human construct, isn't it?

Then, something happened. God answered my prayers from last Christmas. I was asking for a Christmas gift that time. I didn't really know what I really wanted so I asked for a job. Man, I really needed a job. So when the year started, I got a job to do a mural painting at a coffee shop, offers to do a book cover design and logo design. Also a few other portrait orders. I was completely shocked. Like...all of these just came at my doorstep? (Although I did turn down the logo design offer though since it was against what I stand for)
I may not have a job like other people but gosh I love doing this. I figured that was an encouragement from God so I promoted my work on Facebook today and I kid you not, my Facebook messenger and WhatsApp were filled with messages non-stop since morning. They were all so quick but wow I love it I love it so much.

God is too good. Too good.

I can say that my year is starting out pretty great. Okay, maybe I was kinda skeptic towards all these new year stuff but hey, it really is an opportunity to start over. It's no harm on trying to be a better you. Sure you can start being better person anytime you want but setting your goals at the beginning of the year is really motivating. Sometime in the future you're gonna wanna look back at this year and say that you did great. Now I'm not saying that it will be the best year ever. This is life. Come on, there's gonna be ups and downs but what makes it great is what you're capable on doing during the tough times. It's not like I'm dropping the responsibilites on 2017 to be a good one to me. I'm just saying that I'll try to do the best that I can. To not repeat the mistakes that I did in any other year before this. I have one big goal this year. I can't say it yet but I'm doing so good at it right now.

Although this means, I'm gonna be talking less and less with my internet friends now. I'm gonna be so busy. Darn it, I just have gotten so dearly close with Mel and Grace now but I barely talked to them since the year started. Mel is on to achieve her goals too. She has so many dreams and passion in her and I will be so proud for her to go far. Grace just signed up for some college classes. She's growing up and being all intelligent and wise. I'm here on the other side of the world ugly sobbing at them like a proud mom seeing her children being all successful. Now Chris, the guy who was the reason we all knew each other, I barely even watched his videos anymore. Barely even joined his live stream anymore. We haven't even done our video chats anymore!!! That makes me sad. I literally don't know aything about his life anymore oh my gosh I'm so emo don't touch me

One day, distance will no longer be a thing between us. I'll make sure of it.

Oh by the way look!

Grace got my drawings that I sent last month hahahaha
Seeing her getting so excited earlier today made me so happy. I still do to be honest.
I was kinda down and anxious this morning and then seeing her blowing up my messages on Twitter made me so happy. Now if the others would just get my letters and art already...grrr what took them so longggg I'm impatient!

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