Monday, August 28, 2017

I Don't Know How To Love Myself

There are people out there who would risk their lives for me.
Who would do anything to make me happy,
to make me smile,
and see how beautiful I am not only on the outside but also on the inside.

They've repeatedly told me how they appreciate me and how blessed they are to know me.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't believe them but I just wish...
I just wish I can see myself the way they see me.
I don't think I'm a bad person. I mean, I mess up once in a while but I'm generally a good person. I don't hate myself. However, I also don't know how to love myself. Well, technically I do love myself. I mean I take good care of myself, I avoid getting sick as much as I can and feed myself when needed. I also tend to make myself look nice and pretty so those pretty much count as loving myself, right? I guess we all pretty much love ourselves by default in those areas.

But see, I'm not in love with myself.
I have people in my life that actually love me more than I love myself. They look up to me so much. I've heard all the compliments repeatedly. They said I'm talented. They said I'm funny. I'm pretty. Smart.
And I appreciate them I really do. I love them so freaking much.
But I just wish I could feel more than just and "ehh" feeling towards myself when they tell me how amazing I am. Is this how being humble feels like? If it is then wow this sucks. I just want to be proud of myself without having all these struggle.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Why I Don't Talk Much

(warning: there is a lot of rage in this post so brace yourself)

Over the past few days, I started to realize how the same thing that happened to me at school was happening to me again. 
Let me just start from the beginning.
I've made a ton of friends on Twitter and I am so grateful for them but to be honest, I am dead tired of them sometimes. I know how mean that sounds but don't leave yet. There are more to the story. So, my Twitter direct messages (DMs) has always been full. I love hearing stories from people and I've always wanted to be there for them when they need me. They're my friends. They messaged me sharing their life stories and I genuinely got excited for the things that has been happening in their lives. But you know what I hate? It's when it was my turn to do the same to them and they only give short replies.
"Oh great!"
While before this I was constantly like, "Oh my gosh that is amazing I'm so proud of you gahhh!!! So how do you feel?? That's insane!"
You thought I was exaggerating, huh? I wish I was. It's just so disappointing to know that people don't really care about what I have to say. I tried thinking that they were genuinely listening to me and my feelings but I literally don't get any replies again after that. Even if I do, all I get is another story about what's been happening to them. I'm not calling out all of my friends there though. I have my best friends that I can trust and make me feel so great whenever I talk to them. The rest of them, not so much. Not only my internet friends though even friends irl that I text from time to time. I am just soooo tired to be in a one way conversation. They told me I'm a great listener. They told me I'm a great friend. But I truly don't feel the same way.

I wish I could say this is the first time to happen to me but no. It has been going on since I was in school. People talk and talk and when it was my turn, people don't pay attention and I get talked over. It upsets me because I know I have an interesting mind but nobody seems to care. Heck it was one of the biggest reasons why I started this blog. I wanted to write about everything. About what's on my mind. About my life. If people want to read it then that's great! But if don't, then they can just leave without talking over me. 

I know why I stopped talking too much about myself to people now. It's because I subconsciously thought that I'm gonna annoy them. I would rant over something and stop talking mid-conversation saying "I'm sorry, I talk too much," which I know I shouldn't sometimes. I know there are people who genuinely find me interesting. Even if they do listen to me, I would feel guilty for talking to long and thanking them for listening to me over and over again even if I don't have to.

I guess what's been happening to me since I was in school damaged something in me. I wish I was more confident about myself, my opinions, my thoughts and my beliefs. To my friends (and boyfriend) who are genuinely there for me to just hear me talk, I appreciate you and I would do the same for you anytime. Although, I'd probably still be a good listener to the people that needs me though but I'd just not talk more about myself I guess.

I needed a place to rant ok. And this is my blog so ya can't stop me bye.

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