Saturday, September 30, 2017

10th Post Of the Month

I did it. I actually get to do 10 blog posts this month. I set a goal and I actually did it.
I am so proud of myself! 😭 What I did is not just about getting my monthly resolution achieved but it showed me that when I put my mind to something, I can actually do it. This is something that is really valuable to me and it motivates me with what I do in my every day life. If I put my mind to get more money next month then I'm gonna go get it. If I put my mind to be more hardworking then I can absolutely do it too. 
It's the last day of September right now and it is the night that my goal is achieved. I hope future me will go back to this post and remember how awesome I am and will always be.

So now, another resolution for next month.
I'll keep going for 10 blog posts per month but with more pictures. I realized I've been slacking on putting pictures on my posts because I just wanted to post and leave. Well, now I want to go for quantity but also quality. 
And also I'm gonna work super hard to earn more money than usual.

It's 40 minutes to October now. I'll be praying that it's gonna be a better month for me.🍁

Why Am I In A Long Distance Relationship?

If you've been following my blog for a while now, you probably already know that I'm in a long distance relationship with my amazing boyfriend, Chris Howard. (hi babe!)
      I get asked a lot on why I chose to be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Well to answer that, I don't think anybody wants to go for a LDR as a choice to begin with. LDR may happened because of so many reasons. In my case, I happened to stumble across a man that I never knew would change my life to this day. Did we jump straight into a relationship though? No, we didn't. I found out that Chris actually thought I was pretty back then but he was being careful and not trying to pursue me because he thought nothing realistically could happen between us because of distance. 
  I think he was being absolutely reasonable. Of course anyone would hesitate to even think about being in a LDR.
    It turns out, while we were getting to know each other, our feelings never actually faded. We both admitted that we tried not to like the other person since we thought things would never happen anyway.

We couldn't.

In fact, they grew stronger.

    We got together after finally confessing our feelings to each other. We were a mess but we did it anyway. I'm glad we did.
    At the end, it comes to whether or not both of us are willing to commit and finally close the gap one day. LDR is worth it when there's a future for both of us to look forward together.
Has it been easy for us? Definitely not. But is it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Chris is worth every mile between us.

So, would I recommend you to go for a long distance relationship? Well I'm not gonna say yes but I'm not gonna say no either. 
I'm not gonna say yes because I know how hard it is. I don't ever want to see you having to go through what I am going through.
However, I'm also not going to say no because LDR is not an impossible thing when you know someone who is worth all the fights you have to go through.


Friday, September 29, 2017

A Very Bizarre Dream

I woke up from my nap and went straight to my laptop and turned it on. Holy moly, I just woke up from a very strange dream but also very real. I need to write this down immediately.

I was nominated for a beauty pageant but for some reasons I came to the place late and I was a mess. I had no makeup artists and I had no dress to wear. I came to the beauty pageant with 0 preparation. I was wearing my blue dress shirt and shorts. My hair was in a bun and it looked like I slept and woke up in that hair.
So I came and I stood in front of the crowd. Apparently I only had one competitor. She was flawless. She looked like a rich kid with perfect hair and makeup and dress. She made some remarks about me being late and how I looked. I was embarrassed. From her look, she clearly didn't like me. I didn't know how I got in that that situation in the first place. I touched my hair and my bun almost fell off my head.
We didn't do anything at the pageant but to answer a question. We were both given the same question - "What is beauty?"
The girl answered it first. Her answer was all superficial. She went on and on about having designer bags, makeup tips and I don't even remember what she said but she was really prideful of her posessions and how she looked.
And then it was my turn.
I faced the crowd and I saw my friends and my family excited for me. I saw everyone who ever cared for me. I was tearing up.
I immediately knew what my answer was (this is word from word that I remember from my dream)

"You know at first I didn't know what beauty was but then I saw my friends all here supporting me. That is beauty. And I wanna show beauty everyday whether I'm pretty or not."

The crowd stood for me and gave me such a huge applause. I was then given a crown because apparently I won. The thing was, the crown was crooked and looked ugly. They gave the ugly crown in my hand and I slowly put it on my messy bun that almost came undone. The second I put that crown on my head, sparks flew everywhere like how you see in fairytale movies. There was a wind that blew my hair out and turned it into beautiful curls. I was spinning around and my shirt and shorts turned into a big pink floral pattern dress and I could even feel it slowly wrapping around my body. I even remember thinking that the dress had very good quality fabric. I looked and I had a beautiful crown.

That was my dream. There could be some kind of a lesson there but I don't know yet. I'm glad I chose to write this all down as soon as I woke up from my nap. I don't want to forget this.
I haven't told a lot of people about this but I have very weird dreams from time to time and it felt so much like there's a hidden message behind it. Maybe God talks to me through dreams? I don't know.

I might be putting my old dreams on here soon. I have some dreams like yeaaaaars ago that I still don't know the meaning of it. Maybe you can help? Hopefully

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Dear Future, Susan

Dear future Susan,
I know you're sad and disappointed with yourself. Sometimes things don't go the way you want it to but please do not beat yourself up for it. People mess up but it's not going to be forever. Giving up? Well that can be forever if you choose that path.
You are not a failure. You have done so much in your life. This is me from your past being proud of yourself for the things you have done for people. You know Sasha your friend? You helped her through her breakup. She said she loves you and you're very important to her. Think about all the people that you helped and encouraged along the way. They look up to you. Look how selfless you are. Keep being selfless.You are so important to so many people. If you feel like the world is against you in so many ways, it's not gonna be forever. You're not strong? Look around you. Everyone is ready to help you. Don't you dare say that they don't care because I am seeing it now how they would do anything to make you feel better. You know why? Because seeing you sad breaks their heart. Please don't bottle things up to yourself. You know how damaging it is right? You tried before. Yeah it never works. Talk to the people who are already around you. People who care about you.
Future Susan, remember how God always answered your prayers? He will answer your prayers right now too. All your pain, anxiety and fear will be carried by the Lord. The devil will do anything to say all these bad things about yourself in your mind and at times, it can be pretty convincing but right now you need to rebuke it in Jesus' name. You and I know that it's not true. It never has been.
If you think you're never gonna be happy again, think about the times you thought the same waaay back and here I am feeling content and happy. You know I went through crap too but I am still standing here with a smile on my face.

You got this.❤

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Back From Hiatus

Ok I wasn't really on a hiatus it was just for like a week I went off radar on social medias it wasn't really that long so I don't know if that is still considered as a hiatus but I don't have any ideas for a title of this post okay?
So let me explain.
I was in a pretty rough spot(personal problems) and I had to stay away from social medias for awhile and just talked only to my closest friends while focusing on my commission work. I was stressed and also down so doing my work wasn't really much of a joy to me at the time.
During dinner one night, my brother said he wanted to go to see Philip Mantofa's talk at Penampang. I didn't know who Philip Mantofa was but I found out that he's a pastor from Indonesia who was well known with missing the Air Asia flight that he was supposed to be on that eventually ended in a tragic crash. He was also known from his testimonies about his experience seeing heaven and hell that he shares everywhere he goes. He happened to be in my state during the 15th-16th and me family and I planned to go hear his sermon.
Well, I guess this was something that could take my mind off my problems. Yeah I thought.
The day came and we drove to that place early because we knew that with this event, there's gonna be heavy traffic. Well, we were right though. We drove 2 hours earlier than we were supposed to and we were still stuck in traffic for hours and hours. After our butts cramping from sitting too long in the car, we were almost there.

And then my brother got a text on WhatsApp.
"Betulkah ni???" (Is this true???) his voice in shock.
He showed his phone to us to let us see what it said. Our grandmother died.

My dad called his brother immediately to ask about their mother. My brother turned the car around and head back to our late grandmother's house.

She was our last grandparent.

I don't want to talk too much about it by the way I'm just healing from it.

Anyway, after a pretty rough day at the funeral we went back home where then I got sick. Horribly.
It started of as a step throat until it gradually turned into a high fever.
I haven't had a fever like that for sooooo long. I couldn't sleep well for the night and I was having nightmares. I took a bunch of medicines and the whole night I was praying to God. I don't remember what I said but I clearly remember that I asked God not to let me die. Pretty dramatic, I know. I messaged some of my friends to pray for me and they did. I was crying so much.

The next morning, I felt better. Just like that.
I knew it was God. I'm 100% confident of that I just know it in my gut. I know myself well enough that I would have never felt better that fast.
I wasn't fully healed though I still had to lie down and rest but it felt better.

And now I'm here. All healed -physically and emotionally. Smiling and grateful at life given by God.
I went through a lot but my goodness I feel so much better right now.
I wasn't really strong a few days back to be honest but what made me strong was my friends. Friends who prayed for me, tweeted me encouragements and messaged me to let them know if I needed anything.
They genuinely care about me and I love them so much.
Oh my gosh I'm so blessed why am I crying again

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guards Up, Guards Down

Sometimes I regret letting my guards down. I thought it would be okay anyway so I let myself feel. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and assured myself that it'll be okay and this is a good decision.
It felt freeing.

I felt joy.
I could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
I could love deeply and passionately.
I started to care.

But then things didn't turn out the way that I expect it to.
I felt sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Heartbreak.

And when I let my guards down, those feelings are 10x stronger than I used to feel.

So now I'm asking myself, "Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

All I know is that I am exhausted of getting hurt again and again and again. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be sad. It's painful.

Should I let my guards up again? Should I just numb everything out just so I wouldn't feel anything again?
But then taking away the pain would also be taking away my joy.

So at the end, I don't know what to do. What I do know though is now I remember why I let my guards up in the first place.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Twitter Isn't Necessarily A Waste of Time

I've gotten to know so many different people with different personalities on Twitter and it is truly a blessing. I don't get the chance to actually talk and know them on a deeper level though. I just interacted with them enough to call them as friends.
One thing I need to talk about though is how a lot of them are constantly struggling with depression and anxiety. I've seen their tweets on how they think they're struggling with their self-esteem or just having very hard life. It breaks my heart so much... you know why?

Because they are the most passionate people I've ever seen. The way they talk about the things they love are so inspiring and it's just so pure.
They know the value of friendship and the fact they bring each other up in their brokenness touched me.
The way they talk about their interests and ambitions showed me how much potential they have to go far in life.
The way they make others laugh with their incredible sense of humour tells me how quick their minds work and making me realize how intelligent they are.

But it hurts me.

It hurts me that they don't see that in themselves. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to stop believing the lies that they're not worth it. I don't want them to constantly think less of themselves just because they're on the internet and people out here telling them that it's a waste of time because it's NOT true. They're NOT wasting their time.

Without them on the internet I wouldn't have met the people that I'm holding dear to my heart right now.
Without them on the internet I would have feel so alone when I get depressed and had no one that understands me.

So people out there who make fun of "milennials" being on Twitter can zip their mouth and stop hurting these amazing people. It pisses me off. Just because you're not on Twitter and doing "life", doesn't mean the people on there are lesser than you.

Saturday, September 09, 2017

Friends



I video called with my two best friends last night. Melanie and Grace. I know it's only been a day but I already miss them. Funny how they can literally boost my mood up so quick... The two people that I met on the internet. We kinda talked a little about how it's gonna be when I will finally gonna come to America. Their faces lit up and I got super excited again. 

I've been down for quite some time. I have friends here too like who aren't actually thousands of miles away from me. I tried reaching out to them but I'm only getting like one word responses and then it felt so bland. I'm not even talking about acquaintances. I'm talking about actual close friends. The friends I was super tight with during college or in secondary school. We loved each other.
When I tried to reach them, their replies had 0 enthusiasm. I gotta admit it kinda hurt me a little bit. You know how you feel like you're the only one putting effort to keep the conversation going and then they're just gone when you step back for a while?

Yeah I got confused. I guess people just grow apart sometimes, right? Like, isn't that just a part of life?

It's soooo cliche to say this but internet friends really do treat you better. I've always avoided to say that because it felt like actually dismissing my actual friends in real life. I don't want to lift one group of friends and then degrading the other but honestly... that's literally what I'm feeling.
The other day I checked on my one friend's twitter profile from my old secondary school and I realized that she unfollowed me. I don't know for how long but she did. 

I don't want to dwell on it for too long though. I just have to remember that I can't make people stay in my life if they don't want to. If I were them I wouldn't wanna be forced to stay in someone else's life too when I don't want to.

But here's the positive thing though, I get to recognize who my true friends are now. Who is and isn't worth the fight for. Whether I met them on the internet or in real life, it doesn't matter.
So Mel and Grace, you two are the best and I love you guys.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

New Resolution

So this is like a New Year's resolution but instead of the beginning of the year, I decided to start on September. Yes it's a tad bit late so sue me. I want to start posting more on my blog. I don't want this blog to die since I've been doing this for so long already. I went back to my posts from this year and there aren't even that many of them. I gotta admit it was kinda disappointing. So, from now on I want to have at least 10 posts every month. I'm being realistic though because I know myself too much that I definitely cannot write every single day. I'll settle for 10 for now. I'd probably talk about my day a little and maybe go on a rant about things I want to. I don't know. Let's see about that.

For today I'd probably just share some of what happened today.
Well for one, I shot a cover of one of my most favorite songs, "Hallelujah". I actually reached 100 subscribers on YouTube today! It's crazy though. I've never really been very active in uploading and somehow there are 100 different individuals out there who clicked the subscribed button on my channel. Okay, maybe because I have a popular YouTuber boyfriend so that helped. Either way, I don't deserve all these attention but to show how grateful I am, I thought, what the heck, right? I haven't done a video for a while so might as well give them another video!

(click to watch)
I really am kinda proud of it. I kinda wish I have better production quality though. Heck, I shot that on my Samsung S4 and put the microphone on a stack of books. I don't really invest much on camera gears, lighting and all those stuff though since I don't really see myself doing youtube much. I do find it fun but it's never really my passion, you know? I'll probably do some videos again but I'm not committed to it. I really respect Chris' dedication for his daily vlogs and main channel and all that constant editing oh man. How does he do that?

My passion however goes to my drawings. I spent RM300++ for a drawing tablet because I desperately wanted it. I bought expensive pencil colours, charcoals, high quality papers, etc. It brings me so much happiness. If I have more money I would buy canvas with acrylic or oil paints. Maybe rent a little studio for me.
I'm slowly earning money though. I have few commission work that I have yet to finish. Pretty slow on them at the moment because apparently I'm too inspired to do so many things at once. I do need to get back on them though.

I'm quite busy lately. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out causing me to have mood swings which then caused me to not eat well and on time. I know it's bad especially my gastritis is terrible right now but I'll work on it. I have to.

However, as busy as I was today, I'm really happy for some reasons. I don't know why. I just do. It even rained today and I know it's weird for people but I really love the rain. It feels very cozy and just very peaceful to me... and the smell of the road after the rain.. oh my gosh. I love it I love it I love ittttt.


Saturday, September 02, 2017

Why I Blog

I mean, I don't know what else to say except that I love it. I love writing. I can't really say that I'm good enough that I could publish a book or something though. Although, I probably can. Never really thought much about it to be honest. I've read some pretty bad books though and for some reasons they were successfully published so I may have a good chance here. Oh my gosh don't even get me started on Buzzfeed articles like literally anyone can call themselves a writer now. 

Hold on, what are we talking about again?

Aah that's right. Why I blog.
I hardly get any readers on here. I have very few followers which half of them aren't even active anymore. I could stop blogging at any moment now. The question is, why didn't I?
Well, like I said. I love blogging. I love writing about myself. I love writing about my thoughts. I love sharing my experiences. Writing makes me feel like I'm talking to a friend. Honestly, I didn't start a blog for people. I did it for myself. I could have 0 follower and I would still write.
I'm not saying that I'm not grateful if you happen to read my blog though, whoever you are. I do appreciate you oh my gosh are you kidding me? You're literally reading what's in my mind and heart. You're reading me. This blog... This whole blog is literally me. Thank you for caring so much about me that you follow me this far. 

I don't really know who's reading this right now but one thing I know for sure, future me is going to read this again. I may laugh, cry or cringe at the memories but I will love it. And I know in that moment, I will thank current me for all these memories written down in this blog.

Hey, I guess I'm proud of myself for this! (yes I know what I wrote in my previous post)

I just want to say that whatever you do, whatever you're passionate about, always remember why you started in the first place. I know how you can discouraged when you're not getting enough appreciation but remember that you do what you do because you love it. Remember how passionate you were when you first started and how far you've come. Don't ever let the passion die. 

I believe in you :)

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