Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guards Up, Guards Down

Sometimes I regret letting my guards down. I thought it would be okay anyway so I let myself feel. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and assured myself that it'll be okay and this is a good decision.
It felt freeing.

I felt joy.
I could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
I could love deeply and passionately.
I started to care.

But then things didn't turn out the way that I expect it to.
I felt sadness.

And when I let my guards down, those feelings are 10x stronger than I used to feel.

So now I'm asking myself, "Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

All I know is that I am exhausted of getting hurt again and again and again. I just want it to stop. I don't want to be sad. It's painful.

Should I let my guards up again? Should I just numb everything out just so I wouldn't feel anything again?
But then taking away the pain would also be taking away my joy.

So at the end, I don't know what to do. What I do know though is now I remember why I let my guards up in the first place.

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