Thursday, November 23, 2017

I'm Not Doing Well Right Now


If you have been following me you probably noticed that I haven't been posting on here a lot lately. I know I said I wanted to do at least 10 posts per month but I've been struggling with some things lately. I didn't feel anything good that happened for me to share here and I tried avoiding sharing my down moments so that's why I couldn't write anything.
However, I feel like I want to talk about it here. Just to let it out y'know?
The past few days had been rough on me. I mean I'm fine on the outside. I have enough food to eat, I have my family and I have a roof above my head and I'm grateful. I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just that, my mental health isn't really great lately. I don't want to say too much about what's going on though so I don't have to be reminded when I go back and read this in 10 years to come.
I've never been clinically diagnosed for my depression and I wanted to but I'm just scared to tell my family about it. They're kinda skeptical about it. Even if I do tell them though and ended up getting told that my depression isn't real because the doctors see that I have a good life, it will mess my head even more.
So at the end, I don't know. Often times I would tell myself that this is normal and it will pass and hey it works for quite some time... but I never let myself to actually dwell on it and figure it out by myself 'till later on it will resurface, hitting me 10 times harder than before.
I've been silently crying for two days in my room now. Last night I couldn't sleep well and woke up at 3 am just to cry. It's painful. My eyes hurt and stings now when I open them. My cheeks are damp from all my tears.
I didn't want to tell Chris at first about it but I realized that I was slowly pushing him away. All those short text replies and "I can't talk right now," excuses... I didn't want to hurt him. Not him... of all people. So I told him. I'm glad I could talk to him about it eventually though after I worked my courage to actually let him know what's going on. I feel a little relieved today. I'm not at my best right now but I'm glad Chris talked to me until things made sense for me.

I hope I'm gonna feel better on my next post. If you happen to read this post 'till this far, please pray for me. I'm really close to disappointment in God but I don't want that

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