Thursday, December 07, 2017

Opening Up About My Depression

It took me some time to actually come back here and update about how everything is going on with me but I did tell you that if I come back, I'm gonna be all better, didn't I? Here I am! All better!

So over the past weeks, I was in wreck. There is no doubt now that I have depression... which was not fun to discover that, by the way. Before this, I didn't know whether it was a good idea to self-diagnose or not. I didn't want to feel like I claim to have depression but what I went through recently was the hardest I have ever been. The moment I knew I was struggling with it was when I wished I couldn't feel a thing. That's how much in pain I was. I wanted to do anything to get out. I was so darn tired. I knew down moments are here and there in our lives but I knew what I was dealing with was not just a "down moment". I wished I could take pills like prozac. My friend told me it helped her. I wished I could afford a therapist but also at the same time I was scared to open up to a stranger. I was helpless. Drowning. I cried so much for weeks and I realized my mother were quietly observing my eyes because they were swollen from all the midnight crying.

So, why didn't I turn to God? All of you knew here that I'm a Christ follower so you must be wondering why I didn't mention about turning to God.
Well, as a matter of fact, I did. I was just too angry with God that I didn't care to listen to what He wanted to say to me and I convinced myself that something was wrong with me because God doesn't make mistakes, am I right? So it had to be my fault.
God answered my little prayers a lot of times and I am happy with that. It's just that when it comes to bigger things, things that matter so much to me, I didn't hear anything from God. I felt like my prayers were just noises going into the void. I was confused. Angry. Upset.
They say, "God is in control" so when I didn't hear anything from Him, I wanted to take control of my own life. Spoiler alert - it didn't go well. I don't have control. When I found out that I didn't get to go through the final round for the singing competition, I freaked out. I had so many plans ahead when I was "supposed" to win and then when I didn't, I was lost. "God can't help me now. I can't help me now," I thought.

I couldn't pray for myself anymore so after so long keeping it to myself, I finally asked Grace and Mel to pray for me. Even Chris too. I was so afraid to be a bother to them that I only came to them when I was on my breaking point. I mean think about it, when you keep coming to the same people with the same problem over and over and over again, you started to get embarrassed of the fact that you can't hold your life together.

Either way, they helped me in so many ways. I'm so so so grateful. They helped me see that God isn't punishing me and that it was not my fault. My heart was opened to finally come to God again.
I know this is cliche to say but reading the bible and praying consistently could help you in ways you couldn't even imagine. 

My situations aren't changing. I still have no control of my life but I truly know that God is. I can't change my situation but I can change my reactions to it. God gave me peace and joy even though my life isn't the best right now. It's amazing to say that. Past me wouldn't even believe that's possible. 
I'm not saying I'm completely healed. I still have wounds. I still cry like yeah I still have emotions, duh. It's just that, it's very different now. Like, I have peace even when I'm sad.

Some things I have learned though from all these are,
  • It's okay to feel. It's okay to be bitter, upset and sad. Dwell on it if you have to so you can figure stuff out and finally have a closure on your own. It's freeing.
  • Feelings are real but they aren't reality. These are two different things. You can feel that you're worthless. That's a true feeling and important to acknowledge it but you also have to know that it's not a reality. Learn to differentiate the two.
  • Don't hide it. Talk to someone. Anyone you trust. While you think they don't care, they are actually hurting knowing what you're going through.
  • It's also okay to not want to talk to certain people. There are people who are skeptical about depression and they have their right to their opinions but don't let them open up more wounds just the sake of "needing to talk".
  • Dark thoughts can distort your judgement. Let the thoughts out even if you don't want to. Write it. Talk about it. Vent. Do these things 'till everything makes sense.
  • God is not punishing you. It's not your fault.
Writing all these were really hard. It felt like I was living it through all over again but I hope it may help someone out there. Just one person and I'll be grateful for that.
'Till we see again on the next post.

1 reader's feedbacks:

  1. "I mean think about it, when you keep coming to the same people with the same problem over and over and over again, you started to get embarrassed of the fact that you can't hold your life together."

    *raises hand*



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