Sunday, January 14, 2018

"I'm Perfect"

It's been a while. 
I've never wanted to stop writing. I still want to keep this blog going. For now, I'm just struggling with the fact that my laptop isn't working well anymore and my phone's motherboard just got broken. After these happened, it gave me such a major inconvenience. I can't afford to buy new ones and honestly, it sucks. I've done most of my work on these things. I'm just upset because I know I've lost a lot of good opportunities because of this.

For now, I'm just saving up for a new phone I guess and if anyone wants to commission me for some art... *clicks tongue*

For now I have a spare phone that glitches once in a while with a crack on the screen so I guess that's still good. That's what I'm using to type all of these now. At least I have this...and my mother's Samsung tab that she lets me borrow to do my work sometimes. I guess I'm grateful for that. I still won't deny though that I'm still feeling upset at the moment.

Anyhoo, even though it's hard to type a whole post on this phone, I can't help it. I have a lot of things going on in my mind lately. I've so many things to complain, vent and rant. You probably can't handle all of them in just one post so I'll save the others for later in the future.

Before I continue, you probably already know how much Twitter plays a role in my friendships and social interactions. I love it and I have found a lot of happiness through it. Not to mention finding the man who caught my heart.
However, the place where I have found my happiness turned out to be something that is now controlling who I am as time goes by without me even realizing it.
You see, I know I'm loved. I can feel it whenever I get on Twitter. I can't deny that people adore me. I honestly have no idea how but somehow, I found myself on a pedestal this one day.
I've always thought I loved attention but... maybe not like this.

They say,

"What a queen!"
"I love you so much!"
"I want to be like you."

I feel somehow, dehumanized? Is that the right word? I don't know. I hate to say it but I know that I am being romanticized. I didn't realize how pressured I am to appear perfect in front of these people until lately, I've typed like hundreds of tweets but never ended up posting those tweets. They see me without flaws and that made me think too much on whether my tweets are good or not. Whether it shows me how good I am or not.
Maybe I'm scared of losing the attention or maybe I'm scared that I appear like I need attention, depending on what I want to tweet about. Or maybe if I become too real, they'll say "I only followed you because you're funny I don't care about this."

I know I think too much and I don't know where I'm going with these to be honest.

It's just that I wish people would stop putting others on pedestals. I just wish people don't look up so much to me as if I'm infallable because...prESSURE?!?!
It messes me up so much gosh.

Maybe in 2018, I'll start to not give a crap again. I don't want to lose my voice. This may be a hard thing for me but I don't know, maybe I'll learn something out of this.

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