Friday, January 26, 2018

In Your Anger Do Not Sin

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. -Ephesians 4:26-27 

I was struggling with anger and bitterness from sometime now and I really feel like sharing what I went through and what I discovered from myself during those times.
The scripture wasn't joking around when it said not to give the devil a foothold. I thought I had my emotions under control but being angry and bitter in your heart, especially in secret is dangerous and it will have power over you. A small fire in the forest seems harmless until you paid no attention to it 'till it gets bigger and bigger when finally you realized, the whole forest is on fire. The fire destroys everything in it's way and in this case, it'll destroy your heart, your thoughts and finally the people around you. 

When I let my anger and bitterness festered in my heart, I opened a doorway for the devil to go his way. Even though all the situations happened to me can justify me being the way I was, I should have a better reaction to my situation. I have a bad environment for my mental health, I constantly lost grip of all sense of control in my life and I tend to see the world attacking me in all sorts of ways whenever things go wrong but instead of turning to God, I became angry, bitter, filled with resentment, even to God.

So losing God along the way, I was on my own.

On my own thoughts and my own emotions raging inside of me.
I still wanted to turn it around and wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be someone who I can be proud of so I taught myself to be patient around people. I want to show kindness but as long as the hurt and anger was still in my heart, I was still in pain. I couldn't fool myself and apparently my heart couldn't fool everyone around me. I get ticked off over the littlest thing because of all those bottled up anger inside of me. My family could see me and I could see in their eyes. They were wondering how did their little sister become such a b*tch. 

I knew what I did. I couldn't forgive myself but I still didn't want to let go of my anger. I was stubborn. I felt how bad I have turned and I started to become really depressed. I hated myself and when depression comes, dark thoughts came - I wanted to punish myself.

Thank God, I talked to some people for help. I was still in a bad place.
They did try and help me and they were amazing but my mind wanted to block all the advice. I probably mentally received like 30% of what the were actually saying.
When your heart chose to be stubborn, you can't change it.

In my heart, I screamed at God. I told him I hated Him and blamed Him for not being there for me and to be honest I didn't want to come back to Him... but I knew I needed Him in my life.
So, I told Him to change my heart. I didn't want to but I told Him to.

Today, I was thinking about the moments where the raging fire destroyed myself.
I knew I have to let go of the bitterness in my heart when I realized that I have hurt my own boyfriend. Chris didn't deserve it. I love him but I took out my anger on him like I've never had before. You see, I was lucky that I'm dating the most peaceful man on earth because he was chill about it. I don't know he may be upset and I really hate for him to be upset.

That's where God changed my heart.

I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to hurt him like that again... and then I just imagined myself hurting God. My Father who has been with me since the beginning. My first love. Knowing I've hurt the ones I love, it f*cks me up.

So yes, God changed my heart even though I didn't want to, because I asked him to.

Please, if you are struggling with the same thing, if you have grudges, resentment, rage in your heart, please let them go. Forgive the people that needs to be forgiven.
You'll never know what would happen to you.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:31-32

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