Wednesday, April 18, 2018

My Worst Depression And What I've Learned From It (Part 2)

Chris called me when he woke up from my messages at around 2 am his time. He never woke up from my messages whenever he was asleep but for some reasons, he did. I wasn't complaining because I really needed someone at that specific time.
God has used Chris a lot in my life and although it can be frustrating sometimes since we live on the opposite sides of the earth, I kept reminding myself that this is just a season where God wants me to learn how to hold myself before Chris can hold me someday. I really am grateful for him and the way he always prays for me and gives me encouragement through everything. It has been such a blessing.
Little did he know, the one thing he said that really helped me through these was, "Stay strong,"

Stay strong.

In social medias, people keep talking about mental illness and although it's amazing that more people are aware of this issue to this day, I still have problems where people tend to make it a pity party when they know others go through the same thing. People just collectively complain on Twitter and the others will reply with, "Oh girl, same here." Not to mention jokes like, "Lol life sucks let's kill ourselves," are so normal that it subconsciously programmed in our brains that this is just normal. Not gonna lie, I have been guilty of it too.
However, no one is talking about how we should put an effort to get better. It's very important that you make changes in your behavior to help yourself. At the end of the day, it's all up to you whether you want to get out of the rut you're in. Others can't keep you accountable forever.

And that's what I did.

Although Chris was there helping me through, I was still the only one who had the choice whether to get myself better or not. I wasn't strong but I kept praying and praying to God. In my despair, I took the chance to praise the Lord and then I rebuked my suicidal thoughts in Jesus' Name. 
Things still sucked but God kept giving me wisdom through everything and I remembered all His promises in the Bible.

Some of them that I still hold on to;

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34
Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. -Psalm 116:7

I found a lot more that helped me along the way but these are just some that were really helpful to me.

You know, I used to be so angry and bitter to God. When I first struggled with depression, I have always thought that I didn't deserve any of the things I was dealing with. I was angry with God because I told myself that I was a good person and it wasn't fair that bad things were happening to me. Well, I still think that I don't deserve any of the things I'm dealing with hahaha. To be honest, I don't think anyone in the world deserves pain and despair. But that's the thing. Everyone deals with something. The most valuable lessons that I've learned from these was from my daily devotional reading that I got on April 16th:

"You have to make the most of what you've been given. We may have all been given different parents, pains, problems, and potential but we will all be held accountable one day for what we did with those factors. It's like a games of five-card stud: You don't get to mix your cards. You have to play the hand you're dealt."

I think wishing that things would be different in my situation is like a step back in my life. I'm not living if I'm constantly trying to get out from it. 
I know you've been wondering what happened to my cat. Well, it's an amazing story. I was praying non-stop for her health and I claimed healing with the blood of Christ. I told myself that if I have faith as big as just a mustard seed, that's already enough to move mountains.

God healed her overnight. God performed a miracle on my cat. He did that!!
The next day she was meowing to me at the kitchen. She started feeling hungry and beginning to finally eat slowly and I was overjoyed. I just wanna take the opportunity here to praise God and just say how good He is even in my darkest days. I'm so grateful and He's so good.

If I have to go through those days again with a slightly better situation, would I take the chance?
My answer would be 100% no. I would never want the situations to change and lost all the wisdom and lessons I got from it. I became a stronger person from it and I never regretted everything that happened.

God is always good.

If my future self is having a hard time and reading this right now, I hope she'll be reminded of these lessons again.

If you're still here reading this, thank you. I hope I get to pass on some wisdom and lessons God has given me. I'll see you again in my next post, whenever that is.


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